


Scout's Honour

by Mae01



Series: Marauders Modern AU [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fanfiction, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Remus Lupin, Gen, Hurt, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mentor Minerva McGonagall, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Minerva McGonagall, Rape Aftermath, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Sexual Violence, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Young Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:48:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 62,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mae01/pseuds/Mae01
Summary: This is Remus' story. He was raped and abused by Fenrir Greyback for years and his life has changed because of that.“I love you so much, Rem… I don’t know what to say.”“You don’t have to say anything,” Remus said with a gentle smile. “I love you too. Thank you for saving me over and over again.”
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter
Series: Marauders Modern AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138295
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a stand-alone work. There are other stories in the universe, but you do not need to read other stories to understand this one.
> 
> I do not own any Harry Potter characters all characters belong to JK Rowling.
> 
> WARNING: There will be mentions of rape, violence, depression/depressive thoughts, self-harm and suicide. If these trigger you, I would advise you to read at your own risk. I have attempted to put the rape descriptions in the least graphic way possible.
> 
> IMPORTANT: I have not written this to bash the Scouts Program. I think that Scouts is an amazing group. I only chose Scouts because I think it would be a group young Remus would join. Sexual assault/child abuse can happen in any group and I need everyone to understand that I did not write this to send a message about stopping the Scouts Program.

**August**

“Lily! Guess what?” An excited Remus Lupin exclaimed as he ran to meet up with his best friend in the park.

“You’re here! What?” Lily hugged her best friend and they ran away from their mums to swing on the swings.

“My parents have signed me up for scouts!”

“That’s so cool! When does it start?”

“Well school starts on Thursday and then Scouts starts on Tuesday.”

Remus Lupin had been asking his parents for years to be enrolled in the Scouts group of his district. The members of Scouts learned many great skills and always seemed to have lots of fun. After years of asking, his parents finally agreed and told him that they would sign him up for his grade 3 school year. He would start as an eight-year-old and finish the Scout year at the age of nine. Remus didn’t know any kids his age in Scouts, but he was looking forward to meeting other kids.

“That is awesome! I’m so excited for you!” Lily said as she gave her best friend another hug. Lily had listened to her friend talk about Scouts for over a year and she thought it would be fun but never wanted to join. Even now that her best friend will be going to the group twice a week, she still didn’t want to go. She would happily listen to Remus talk about Scouts but didn’t want to join.

**October**

Remus had been attending his Scouts group for almost two months. He loved everything they learned and he loved hanging out with other kids. The leaders were fun and he was learning how to do a lot of different things that could be needed for survival. The building they met at each week was a community building on the edge of town. It was only a 10-minute walk from Remus’ house and a small forest backed it up. When the group was outside, they would hang out and practice skills in the forest. It was a secluded and beautiful area.

Remus had been an outgoing kid throughout his childhood but his parents didn’t play with him very often. He loved his parents and he just believed that they were a little too busy to hang out with him. The way they acted towards him would be labelled as cold or as “tough love.” Remus fully believed that his parents loved him, but he wished he had their attention more than they gave him. He wished his parents paid more attention to him, but there was a leader of his Scouts group that paid him attention and he was okay with that since his parents were always busy.

This man’s name is Fenrir Greyback. Fenrir, or as the kids called him, Mr Greyback, was a 20-year-old man. He was one of the main leaders and he always made sure that the kids were succeeding and learning the skills properly. Greyback was a tall and muscular man. He had dark brown hair and brown eyes and his eyes were always sharp. Many kids seemed to like him, but he paid special attention to certain kids. Remus Lupin happened to be one of the kids that he took a liking to. Greyback would always compliment Remus’ work and make sure Remus perfected his skills, making him the most impressive and skilled kid in the group.

Remus enjoyed the attention his leader gave to him. He would always give Remus high fives, pats on the shoulders and back and handshakes. Remus never found this weird, a lot of leaders gave high fives and attention to the kids. The only thing that grew to be different between Greyback’s relationship with Remus and the other leaders’ relationships with Remus was the occasional touches. Greyback would sometimes lay his hand on Remus’ back or shoulders for longer than a pat, brushed his arm when he walked by and sometimes moved Remus’ hair out of the way. Remus didn’t mind though, it was nice to have attention from someone since his parents didn’t give him any.

**December**

“Now remember everybody,” one of the leaders yelled as the group of kids were putting their jackets and boots on. “Tonight was our last night until the new year. We will start up again on Tuesday, January 7th. Have a good holiday’s everyone!”

“Remus,” Greyback said quietly as Remus was putting his jacket on.

“Yes, Mr Greyback?” Remus replied, turning to look at his favourite leader.

“I hope you have a very special holiday. I will miss you over the break.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Remus replied. “But I’ll see you when I come back!” Remus had a child-like grin on his face as he said these words.

“Yes, you will.” With a hand placed gently on Remus’ arm, Greyback smiled at the boy before continuing. “Now, you better run along. Your parents must be waiting outside.”

“Oh no, sir. I walk back unless the weather is really bad! I’ll see you later!” Remus ran out of the building and Greyback watched the young boy as he slowly got farther and farther away.

“Hmm,” Greyback muttered quietly to himself as he locked the doors behind him. “He walks back home every night. That could be convenient for me.”

Here is the thing. Fenrir Greyback is a sick, sick man. If people knew what he would do to young children, he would have been thrown in jail a long time ago. Greyback was not a nice man and he used his role as a leader to pick the most vulnerable young boys and use them for his own selfish, vile, immoral and despicable desires. Fenrir Greyback had chosen young Remus Lupin to be one of those boys back in September. He seemed like the most fun, joyous and bubbly kid in the group. Greyback was going to enjoy seeing that young boy grow into a scared, timid and broken teenager. He enjoyed slowly breaking these kids and being the reason for their struggle as a teenager. Greyback enjoyed watching the outgoing kids change into a submissive toy for him and he was already enjoying the thought of Remus slowly becoming more trustful of him. Poor little Remus Lupin had no idea who he was hanging out with and eventually, he would learn. Eventually, Remus Lupin would realize what was going on and realize how stuck he was going to be. If this continued how Greyback wanted, Remus would feel like he would never be able to escape and take matters into his own hands.

**January**

“Welcome back, everyone!”

It was the first day back from the winter break and all of the kids were ecstatic to being back. Remus had been looking forward to coming back. Over the holiday, his parents remained the same and didn’t give him much attention. Having gotten used to attention from Mr Greyback, Remus felt more lonely. When he ran in the door with the other kids, he looked around and supported a big smile on his face when he saw his favourite leader giving him a big wave in return to Greyback’s small wave and smile. The meeting that night ran for two hours and then it was time to go home. As Remus was getting ready to walk home, Greyback stood beside him and started talking.

“How was your break, Remus?”

“It was good,” Remus replied. “I played with my friend Lily and my parents and I talked a little bit.”

“That does sound like a good break. Do you and your parents not talk a lot?” Greyback was used to having to create distance and mistrust between a child and their parents before abusing the child. If Remus was already distanced from his parents, that would work very well for Greyback.

“No, not a whole lot,” Remus replied as he zipped up his coat. “They are busy a lot but that’s okay because you talk to me!” Reaching his hand for the door, Remus started to leave but waited to say goodbye to Greyback.

“Ah, well I’m glad you enjoy talking to me. Have a safe walk.”

With a wave of goodbye, Remus walked out of the building, leaving Greyback to lock up the building.

**February**

“Are you still enjoying Scouts?” Lily asked as she and Remus sat on the swings in the park.

“I am, it’s fun!”

“You’re busy a lot of the time now. I’m glad that you’re having fun but I have to hang out with Petunia a lot now.”

Remus and Lily used to hang out every day after school and on the weekends. Now that Remus was in Scouts every Tuesday and Thursday evening, Lil found herself hanging out with her sister more often. It wasn’t that Petunia and Lily hated each other, they had just grown apart when Petunia started middle school and wanted to hang out with the more popular kids. Since then, all Lily and Petunia seemed to be able to do was fight. 

“I’m sorry, Lil’s. Maybe in a couple of years when I stop going to Scouts then our schedules will go back to how it was before.”

“When do you think you will quit Scouts?”

“I think before we start high school. I mean,” Remus started to explain. “I’ll need more time to do all of the homework and we will be taking all of the courses together so we will need to work almost every day!”

Remus and Lily had thought about high school a lot. It seemed like forever until they were going to start, but they already knew what they wanted to take in high school. They wanted to take all of the courses available and be in the same classes. They both believed that life wouldn’t change from how it was now. After all, they were only eight and nine. No eight or nine-year-old should be able to guess what life is going to throw at them and think that their life would soon be changing to something that would haunt them for the rest of their life. 

**March**

“Have a good evening everybody,” one of the Scout leaders yelled at the kids got up from their chairs. “And happy birthday to young Remus who turned nine today!”

All of the kids and leaders shouted out a ‘happy birthday’ in response and continued with getting ready to leave.

“Happy birthday, Remus,” Greyback said as he followed the kid to the coat racks.

“Thank you, Mr Greyback!”

“Can I share some advice with you as your birthday gift from me?”

“Yes please!” Remus had a big smile on his face at the thought of being given some advice from his favourite leader. What would he say? Would it change his life? What kind of advice would an eight-year-old need in life?

“Have you heard of the phrase ‘Scout’s honour?’” Greyback questioned.

“I think I have heard some leaders say it, but I don’t understand it.” Remus was a little confused. What did a scout’s honour have to do with advice?

“When a scout gives their honour, it is like a promise. Actually, it is better than a promise. Do you want to know why?”

With a nod of his head, Remus asked Greyback why it was better than a promise.

“A promise can be broken and nothing will happen. If a scout breaks his Scout’s honour, he gets his badges taken away. A scout’s honour is never meant to be broken. If a scout lies about what he gave his honour for, it is a very serious matter. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” Remus said. “So when a Scout’s honour is given, he can never break it?”

“Exactly,” Greyback responded with a smile. “Now you understand the importance of a Scout’s honour. It is something you should always remember. You need to think hard before giving your honour to someone, Remus. Remember that.”

“Okay, thank you for the advice!”

“You’re very welcome. Now, you must head home so your parents won’t be worried.”

“As long as I’m home before bedtime then they are okay with me being out.” With a wave of goodbye, Remus ran out the door and down the street.

_ Well,  _ Greyback thought.  _ I guess we just need to figure out your bedtime and get you to give your Scout’s honour then. _

**May**

It was after a long Thursday evening after Scouts when Greyback stopped Remus from leaving right away. They had been learning about how to cook meals while camping and they discussed their start of summer weekend camping trip. Most of the kids had left, but Greyback had told Remus at the beginning of the night that he wanted to talk to him at the end.

“Mr Greyback?” Remus questioned. “You wanted to speak to me?”

“I did,” Greyback replied. “I had a couple of questions for you.”

“Yes?”

“My first question is about Scouts next year. Will you be signing up to join the group next year?”

“Yes!” Remus exclaimed. “I’ll be back next year.”

“Oh, that sounds perfect. My other question was if you will be coming on the camping trip in July?”

“My parents haven’t signed the form yet, but I think I will be coming. Why do you ask?”

“I’m just wondering if my favourite scout will be joining us on the camping trip. I have one final question for you to think about before you run out.” 

“Okay,” Remus said with a smile. He was happy to hear that he was his favourite leader’s favourite scout. “What’s your last question?”

“Do you remember what I said about a Scout’s honour?” Remus nodded his head in response to Greyback’s question. “Well, I was wondering if you would give me your Scout’s honour?”

“About what? You said it is like a promise, right? So I can’t just give it to you without knowing what you’re asking, right?”

“You are very wise for a nine-year-old, but you are right. I would like you to give me your Scout’s honour for our friendship.”

“What about our friendship?”

“Well. I think that there should be a scout’s honour that our friendship stays between us.”

“What do you mean?” Remus was confused at this. Wasn’t a friendship supposed to be something that everyone usually knows about? Why didn’t Mr Greyback want others to know about their friendship?

“Well,” Greyback started. “I think that our friendship should stay between us. I think that we should keep it between us because not many people will understand. I think that whatever we say or do in our friendship should stay between us. I mean, if people got the wrong thought then we would have to end our friendship.”

Remus stood there and thought about what Mr Greyback was saying. Remus didn’t want their friendship to end, but would this mean he couldn’t tell Lily everything anymore? Would this be the thing that made Lily and Remus start keeping secrets from each other? Remus really didn’t want their friendship to end, he was lonely over the Christmas break and that was only a couple of weeks without talking to his leader.

“Can I think about it?” Remus asked politely.

“But of course,” Greyback said with a smile. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t let you think about such a serious question?”

Remus smiled at his leader before saying goodbye and running out the door.

_This is almost too easy,_ Greyback thought. _He may be a smart child, but he will give his Scout’s honour. Who would think such a nice leader would only want to see the child break?_ Greyback laughed to himself. He knew Remus was a smart child, but it was almost funny how easy Remus was making this for him. It was like a game of Cat and Mouse, but the mouse wanted to be friends and trusted the cat to feel the same way. Little did the mouse know, he was at the mercy of the cat until the cat decided enough was enough.

**July**

It was the end of the school year and therefore the end of the Scouts year. It was the weekend following the end of school when the camping trip would take place. So, on July 9, Remus and the other scouts were sitting on chairs discussing the last details for when they would leave the following day (Friday) for their trip.

“Alright, Scouts. We will be meeting here at 4 pm tomorrow and we will be leaving on the bus at 4:30. Please make sure you are here by 4:30 latest. We will not be waiting for anyone.” As the leader went over the last details of the trip, Greyback was sitting in the back of the room staring at the one boy who he had thought about a lot. Greyback knew there was no way he could do anything on this trip to Remus because there would be too many people around. Greyback knew he would have to wait until the new scouts year but was okay with that. If he had calculated correctly, Greyback would have Remus all for himself from the start of the new scouts year until the end of the scouts year before Remus was going to attend high school. That was usually when the kids Greyback had taken special attention drew the line and either killed themself or they stopped because they were going into high school. Sometimes Greyback would kill them and make it so no one found out he did it, but whatever worked best for him. Greyback didn’t care which one stopped Remus from continuing with scouts, but he did know that he was going to enjoy every moment until then.

Before he knew it, the meeting had ended and the kids were starting to leave the building. Greyback saw Remus standing in a corner waving him over. Walking over to Remus, Greyback greeted him.

“Good evening, Remus.”

“Hi, Mr Greyback.”

“Have you thought about what I asked you back in May?”

“I have,” Remus said. Remus hadn’t stopped thinking about it. He was worried about ruining his and Lily’s friendship, but what Lily didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, right? After all, it was just a friendship and it was a good friendship. If Lily asked, Remus could just simply explain what a Scout’s honour meant and Lily should understand. Remus had thought about his friendship with Greyback and he wasn’t ready for it to end. “On my honour, I promise that our friendship will stay between us. What is said and done in our friendship will stay between us.”

Greyback gave Remus a very big smile and gave him a handshake.

“I am very glad that you decided to say that, Remus. I look forward to seeing you on the camping trip and continuing our friendship in the fall.”

“Me too,” Remus said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr Greyback!” With a smile and a wave of goodbye, Remus sprinted out the door and ran home. 

Greyback waited for the other kids and leaders to leave before locking up. It was really too easy to corrupt this child. It was too easy but so, so fun. Remus didn’t know what the following year would hold but Greyback did. Greyback knew exactly how the new scouts year would go and he was going to keep thinking about it until it came.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Indicates the description of rape. I will but them before and after the event so if you want to skip it then you can.

**August**

Lily and Remus were walking around the park as they waited for the current occupants of the swings to leave so they could play on the swings. Summer was almost over but they still had a couple of weeks left before school and Scouts started up again.

“So,” Lily began. “Are you excited for scouts to start back up?”

“I am,” Remus replied. “I really enjoy it.”

“I’m going to miss hanging out every day. I’d never ask you to leave scouts though, I know how much you like it.”

“Thanks, Lil’s,” Remus said with a smile. “Hey, have you ever heard of the Scout’s honour?” Lily knew almost everything, both she and Remus were very smart for their age, or at least that’s what their parents and teachers said.

“I’ve heard people say it, but I don’t know what it means. Do you know?”

“I do!” Remus got excited as soon as Lily said she didn’t know. They both enjoyed telling the other something they knew that the other didn’t. It was a little game the two of them would play, trying to find something that the other person doesn’t know and then explain it to them. “It’s like a really important promise. Promises can be broken, but if a Scout gives you a promise on their honour then they have to keep it.”

“Wow… What happens if they break it?”

“They can have their badges taken away.”

Lily and Remus both understood how important badges were for scout members. Remus had explained the importance of them and how exciting it was whenever he earned a badge. The two friends continued to walk in silence until they found a free bench to sit on. As they sat, Lily continued to think about the new information her best friend had given her. It seemed like a very important thing but what would happen if they broke their promise after leaving scouts? Would that still remain as important?

“Hey, Rem?”

“Yes?”

“What happens if you leave the scout program and you break your honour? Would they still be able to take your badge away or do you have to still be attending scouts?”

“I don’t know… I guess they wouldn’t be able to take away my badge if I never saw them again.”

“I guess that’s a loophole in the promise. I think there can always be loopholes in promises unless you make a contract or something.”

The two friends sat in silence as they continued to think. After a while, Lily asked another question.

“Have you made a scout promise?”

“I have.”

“And you probably can’t tell me?”

“I don’t think so otherwise it might go against what I promised.”

“Oh… Well if you ever plan to tell anyone once you’re out, I’d love to know.”

“I know you would. Thanks, Lil’s.”

“Is that Severus Snape sitting over there by himself?“

”I think it is… Why?”

“Remus? Should we ask if that boy wants to come play with us? I see him here a lot but he is never with anyone.”

“If you want, Lily. You know I won’t stop you.”

It was at that moment when the closed friend group opened a little bit to include Severus Snape. Lily, Remus and Severus became close friends for the next couple of years and he joined the hangouts sometimes but not all the time. Remus still enjoyed just hanging out with Lily, but he was happy to have Severus join them at the park and at lunch.

**November**

Remus had been slowly becoming uncomfortable with his and Greyback’s friendship. The only physical affection he was used to was hugs from Lily. He never remembered his parents kissing his forehead or any other part of him. He knew that most parents showed more affection to their children than Remus’ parents showed him, but he didn’t know what that looked like other than the hugs he had seen Lily receive from her parents. The thing that was making Remus uncomfortable was when Greyback would place his hand on Remus’ thigh or lower back. He didn’t know what to say though, he had no experience with parental or older people’s affection. Maybe this was normal and he just wasn’t used to it? Remus didn’t know if he should address it or not. He still really liked Greyback though, so maybe this was the part of Greyback he had to accept. Remus knew that everybody is different and that if we are accepting then we should accept not only the good parts of people but also the flaws. 

After one of the meetings ended near the end of November, Greyback had asked Remus if he could talk to him after the meeting ended. At the end of the meeting, Remus remained sitting in his seat near the back of the room and waited for Greyback to come over. Remus had never worried himself with thinking that Greyback might hurt him. Although he was getting slightly uncomfortable at times, he still felt safe with his leaders. Remus watched as most of the kids started leaving and watched as the other leader waved goodbye to the kids while Greyback walked over to him.

“Thank you for waiting, Remus,” Greyback said as he placed a hand on Remus’ thigh. Remus tried not to squirm at the placement of the hand, he didn’t want to hurt Mr Greyback’s feelings.

“You’re welcome. What did you want to talk about?”

“I just wanted to ask how you were doing?”

“How am I doing?” Remus was confused. Mr Greyback always asked him how he was doing whenever he first walked in. Why was he being asked again at the end of the night?

“Yes. I have seen you change a bit over the past couple of weeks. You seem to be getting a little quieter and less talkative. Is everything okay?” To anyone else, this would have seemed like a caring question. Outsiders would hear Greyback ask this question and think that he really cares about Remus’ wellbeing. But that truth was that Greyback asking how Remus was doing was far from caring. Greyback only wanted to gauge when he could make his first move on the child in front of him. He had to make sure that Remus wasn’t going to tell anyone, at least not right away.

“I’m okay, sir.” Greyback tightened his grip slightly against Remus’ leg in response.

“Do not lie to me, Remus,” Greyback said as he lowered his voice to not draw attention to them. “When I ask a question, you need to answer honestly. I don’t like liars.”

“Oh...” Remus was a little scared, he wouldn’t lie about that to himself. Why was he being punished for nothing? He really was okay, he just was a little uncomfortable with being touched. Deciding that he needed to tell the truth, Remus continued. “I am okay, I am just a little uncomfortable with you touching my back or my leg.” His response caused Greyback to lighten his grip back to normal, but he didn’t let go.

“It’s okay,” Greyback said with a small smile. “You just aren’t used to it yet. You said your parents don’t give you much attention, right? This is just me showing you that I care about you.”

Remus sat there and thought about what his leader had said. He should just get used to it, this is how people show that they care. Remus was safe with Greyback after all. Greyback wouldn’t hurt him, he only wanted the best for Remus. Remus should trust him more, Greyback had never done anything that he knew was wrong, so why didn’t Remus feel completely better?

“Oh, okay,” Remus finally responded. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, Mr Greyback.”

“It’s okay,” Greyback responded with a very small smile. “You’ll get used to this eventually. You know I would never do anything you don’t deserve, right?”

“I know,” Remus said. “What do you mean by anything I don’t deserve?”

“Well,” Greyback started to explain. “I care for you, Remus. I would be an awful friend if I let you do things that hurt yourself, right? If I just sat back and watched you get hurt, you wouldn’t consider me a good friend. Since your parents don’t pay much attention, if I see you do something wrong then I have to do something. Does that make sense?”

Remus thought about it and it did make sense. Remus wouldn’t just sit and watch Lily do something to hurt herself without saying anything. He had also seen Lily’s parents get mad at her when she disobeyed what they said. It was nice that Greyback was looking after him, Remus had decided.

“It does, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. Now, you should probably be heading home. Scout’s ended five minutes ago. What time do your parents expect you to be home by?”

“As long as I’m home by 10 pm then they don’t care too much. Have a goodnight Mr Greyback!”

As Remus put on his coat and ran out the door, Greyback continued to sit in the chair.  _ 10 pm,  _ he thought.  _ That would give me 45 minutes to have my way with Remus. This could work very, very well for me.  _ As Greyback finished locking up, he walked behind the building to where the forest was. Walking into the forest a couple of meters, there was a tiny shed. In the shed, there were some blankets and some old clothes. This was the area that Greyback always used. The ground outside the shed was flat and there was nobody around for a couple of miles. Greyback would always lay a blanket down on the ground. If it was snowing or raining, Greyback would use the shed itself but if the weather was good he would use the area behind the shed. Standing outside the shed, Greyback let a cruel smile fill his face. He was so excited for how he was going to use Remus. He had decided to wait until after the winter holiday or it would be too much of a risk for Remus telling someone. After making sure the shed was locked, Greyback climbed into his vehicle and drove home.

**December**

“Alright, Scouts!” One leader exclaimed as the kids were getting their coats on. “I hope you all have a great break. We will be starting up on Tuesday, January 5.” As all the kids ran out of the building with their coats, Greyback whispered a question into Remus’ ear.

“Remus,” he said. “Could you please wait behind the building for me? I want to show you something.”

“Behind the building?” Remus questioned, making sure he heard correctly.

“Yes, please. It’s nothing bad, I just want to show you something.”

With a nod of his head, Remus left the building and walked to the back of the building. Remus stood there and waited for his leader. He was confused but he felt a little bit excited about his leader wanting to show him something. He stood there in the dark waiting for his leader to lock up and meet him. He heard footsteps at the side of the building and he looked towards the noise to see his leader with a flashlight and a smile.

“Thanks for waiting, this won’t take long.” Following his leader, Remus walked into the forest. They walked for only about a minute before they stopped beside a shed with garden lights on the ground. The lights didn’t provide a lot of light, Remus didn’t even notice a light until they were in the forest. The lights allowed Greyback to turn the flashlight off and they were still able to see each other.

“What is this place?” Remus asked.

“This is my special area that I wanted to share with you,” Greyback explained. “If we ever meet up, this will be the best place so that no one finds out. After all, you did promise me that you wouldn’t tell anyone, right?”

Nodding his head, Remus continued to look around the area. It was quiet and he didn’t like it very much. It looked nice, but Remus felt less safe when he was here with Greyback. He didn’t know why, but the feeling of safety almost completely left once they entered the forest. Remus was happy that Greyback shared this space with him, but he didn’t have the best feeling about it. He knew he should trust his leader though, his leader wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt him out here, right?

“I wanted to show you this so that you would know how to get here if I ask you to meet me here. Do you think you’ll remember how to get here on your own?”

“I think so,” Remus replied.

“That’s good,” Greyback responded. He placed his hand on Remus’ lower back and started to lead him back to the building. “Now, you should go home. We don’t want to worry your parents now, do we?”

Remus and Greyback walked quietly back to the building. Remus was happy to be out of the forest. Giving a wave of goodbye, Remus left Greyback at his car and started his journey home.

**January**

It was Thursday, January 7th when it happened. January 7th was the day that changed the rest of Remus’ life. It was a day he wished never happened and wished he had opened his eyes to what Greyback had been doing to him sooner. It all started when Remus arrived at the building that night and Greyback pulled him aside almost immediately.

“Remus?” Greyback asked. “Could you meet me at the special spot after the meeting tonight ends?”

“Sure,” Remus replied. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is perfect.” With a smile, Greyback walked to the front of the room to greet the group and Remus sat down in his usual chair near the back. Remus spent the entire meeting thinking of what he and Mr Greyback were going to talk about. Remus didn’t like the forest still, but he trusted his leader.

**

As the meeting ended for the night, Remus put his coat on and walked to the shed. He saw a blanket laying on the ground so he sat on it and waited for Greyback to finish up whatever he was doing. He sat there and looked around while leaning against the side of the shed. The forest was dark and scary but the lights helped a little bit. As he was sitting there, he saw a crumpled looking fabric stashed behind a bare bush beside him. He didn’t know what it was but decided not to find out and he heard footsteps getting closer to him. Turning to see who it was, Remus saw Greyback emerge from the trees. He looked different though.

As Remus watched his leader walk towards him, he felt uneasy. His walk seemed rushed, like he had a mission to complete. It was the type of walk Remus would see his teachers do when they saw two kids fighting and needed to break them up. That walk was never a good sign in any experience Remus had ever seen. Greyback’s hands were also opening and closing, something he would see when his parents were arguing but were trying to stay calm. The last thing that scared Remus the most was the look in Greyback’s eyes. They were wild and sharp. They no longer held their signature look, but rather they looked like how someone would look before they lost control. Remus was scared and he didn’t know what to do or if he could do anything.

“Mr Greyback? Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Now stay sitting, Remus,” Greyback said. “I need to lay down some ground rules with you.”

“Ground rules? What do you me-”

“Stop talking, Remus!” Greyback yelled, cutting off what Remus was going to ask. Remus was terrified now. This was not that man Remus had grown closer to. What was happening? Remus scooted closer to the shed as he stared up at his leader.

“Now,” Greyback continued. “I’m going to tell you some rules and you are going to obey them. Can you do that?” After receiving a hesitant nod from Remus, he continued. “We are good friends, Remus. But you owe me a lot. I have helped you succeed in this club and I have brought out your potential and helped you achieve it. Rule number one, when we are here, you are not to make any noise. Look behind that bush and pull out what you see.” Remus did as he was told with a shaky hand and pulled out the crumpled material. “If you make any noise, I will put that shirt in your mouth and you will not be able to make any noise. Rule number two, you do not tell anyone about these meetings or things will get much worse for you. If you tell anyone, I will punish you because it is what you deserve.” Tears started to spring at Remus’ eyes. He was scared and he just wanted to go home. This was a nightmare and it hadn’t even started yet. “Rule number three, I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. If you do not show up when I tell you to be here things will get so much worse for you. Do not try to stop me or I will hurt you because I deserve this. I have helped you so much and you haven’t helped me in return. And rule number four,” Greyback said. Crouching down in front of Remus, he wiped one of Remus’ tears and smiled at him. “Remember your scout’s honour.”

The next 30 minutes were a blur for Remus. Remus remembers being touched and crying for it all to stop. He remembers the shirt being stuffed in his mouth and him not being able to stop crying. Remus remembered the feeling of Greyback’s hands all over him and he hated it. Remus was also so confused. What had happened? Has this happened to other people? Was there even a name for what happened to him? After it had all ended, Remus remembered Greyback helping Remus put his pants back on and being led to the front of the building. Two hands were on his shoulders and he was facing Greyback when the blur cleared up from his head.

**

“Wha- What...” Remus still had tears falling down his face and he couldn’t get a word out. Greyback wiped Remus’ tears away and smiled down at the boy.

“You need to stop crying, Remus,” he said. “I know it was a lot tonight, but you’ll get used to it. Now, stop crying or your parents will know something happened. It’s 9:40 now, you should start going home or your parents will be worried. Are you okay?”

Remus was confused by what Greyback was saying. Usually, Remus felt calm, safe and loved when Greyback spoke to him, but now he felt anything but calm, safe and loved. Remus slowly nodded his head while trying to stop the tears from falling down his face.

“Good,” Greyback said with a smile that gave Remus no comfort. “I will see you Tuesday. Remember your scout’s honour.” With those last words, Greyback climbed in his car and drove off.

Remus stared at the spot where the car used to be. After a moment, Remus started walking slowly to his house. His head was filled with confusion. He didn’t know how to feel or how to process anything that was happening. He couldn’t tell anyone or they would take away his badge… Was that supposed to be what he was thinking about? What was he supposed to think of? He didn’t even know what to call what just happened but all he knew was that he didn’t want it to happen again.

Remus eventually made it to his house and opened the door. It was the same as it usually was, Remus didn’t know why he expected something different. Climbing up the stairs, Remus grabbed his pajamas and walked into the bathroom to take his shower. He stood under that water and stared at his skin. He knew it was his, but it felt dirty. It needed to be cleaned but no amount of scrubbing was helping. He had been scrubbing his skin for 10 minutes but he still felt dirty. Tears started to fall down his face as he continued to scrub his skin. The water burned his skin and he could taste the salt of his tears but he didn’t stop until his mom knocked on the bathroom door to tell him to finish and go to bed. At the sound, he turned the water off and got out of the shower. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, Remus looked at his bright red skin and the occasional bruise starting to show on his hips. 

Remus turned away from the mirror before his tears could start again. He got dressed into his pajamas and climbed into bed, closing his door after him. Remus laid here for what seemed like days just letting his mind run. 

_ What am I supposed to do now? _

_ How am I supposed to act? If I act off, I will have to explain to someone and Mr Greyback will hurt me if that happens. _

_ How am I supposed to act around Lily? She will know for sure that something happened if I act differently. _

_ Would Lily even want to hang out with me if she found out? I’m dirty… No one should want to hang out with me if they found out what happened. _

“Remus! Come down for breakfast.”

The sound of his mom yelling broke him out of his thoughts. Picking up his iPod, he saw that the time was 8:30 am and he had many messages from his best friend to respond to. Deciding to save the texts for later, Remus slowly walked down the stairs and silently ate his breakfast.

“Do you have plans for today?” Remus’ dad asked.

“No.”

Those were the only words shared at the table. It was not strange for the table to be so quiet, the Lupins’ rarely talked during meals. After finishing breakfast, Remus walked back to his room and closed the door behind him. He looked to his window and made sure that the blinds were shut and the window was locked. Lily lived right beside him and there was a tree right outside his and Lily’s windows that they could crawl across to get to each others’ rooms. They discovered this a couple of years ago and found it much easier to crawl through the windows than to go knock on the front doors. They had a rule, however, that if the blinds were closed that they had to text each other permission to come over. If the blinds were open then they could come over whenever. The two friends almost always had their blinds opened but Remus did not want to see anyone right now. He needed to think of a story and think through everything that happened the previous night before seeing anyone. Checking his texts, Remus replied to Lily’s texts.

(  **Remus** /  _ Lily  _ )

(January 7)

9:45 pm:  _ Hey, Rem! Let me know when you get home. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with Sev and I at the park tomorrow? _

10:10 pm:  _ Let me know in the morning what you decide. Night, Rem! _

(January 8)

7:30 am:  _ Have you decided if you want to come with us? _

8:00 am:  _ Rem? Is everything okay? I would come over but your blinds are closed… _

8:25 am:  _ I’m getting a little worried, can you at least tell me if you are okay? Sev and I are planning to meet at the park at 9. _

8:43 am:  **Sorry, Lily. I’m all good. I can’t hang out this weekend though, I’ll see you on Monday though!**

8:44 am:  _ Okay, sounds good! I’ll meet you in front of the tree before we walk to school on Monday. Let me know if you’re able to hang out sooner :) _

8:45 am:  **I will. Have fun!**

It was easy to fake emotions over text. If he and Lily had this conversation in person, Lily would have seen through Remus’ facade. For the rest of the day, Remus sat on his bed and thought about what he was supposed to do. He couldn’t tell Lily or his parents, that wasn’t even an option. He couldn’t not show up or things could get worse, so that wasn’t an option either. After hours of thinking, Remus only had one idea.

_ I will push through it until it ends.  _

Remus could only hope that it would end soon.

By the end of January, Remus knew what to expect. He knew that every Thursday Greyback would tell him at the beginning of the night to meet him by the shed after the meeting was over, and every time Remus would listen. He felt helpless and he hated it. He had always seemed to be in control of life up until the beginning of January. By now, he becomes quieter every Thursday and was back to ‘normal’ by Friday afternoon. Remus felt stuck and he hated it. Every Thursday night he would get home and shower, scrubbing his skin until his mom knocked on the door to tell him to finish his shower. He avoided looking into the mirror after his showers after the second time Greyback did what he did. 

Remus still didn’t know what to call it. He didn’t know if there was a name for it or if it was wrong. He deserved it anyways, right? That’s what Greyback said and he had trusted Greyback. His leader wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t right, he was only 9 and he was so confused. He began to hate Thursdays and he began to wish his parents never let him join Scouts. But what could Remus do? He couldn’t tell anyone because he didn’t know if it could get any worse than it was now but Greyback said it would. He had to remember his promise.

Scout’s honour was a phrase that started to haunt Remus all day and all night. Anytime he thought of telling someone, the words  _ Scout’s honour  _ entered his mind. He couldn’t tell anyone and he was so scared for anyone to find out. Greyback and started saying more things once he helped Remus up from the ground and walked him to the front of the building. These phrases always started and ended the same but he would change the middle and it haunted him.

_ I will see you Tuesday. Don’t let anyone know what happened. Remember your Scout’s honour. _

_ I will see you Tuesday. Get home safely. Remember your Scout’s honour. _

_ I will see you Tuesday. People will think you’re dirty if they find out. Remember your Scout’s honour. _

It had only happened four times, but Remus still didn’t know if it was normal or not. Did this happen to Lily ever? Was this a part of the Scouts club?

All Remus could do was get through the week, become slightly quieter on Thursdays, try not to think about what was happening, take a hot shower and lay in bed until his parents called him down for breakfast. Remus had it down as a routine now. He would make sure he closed his blinds on Thursday morning and locked his window. Friday afternoons at 12:45 pm he would open his blinds and unlock his window. His blinds stayed open all week until Thursday mornings. 

Remus was so tired and just wanted it all to be over soon. Maybe he just needed to get through this scouts year and his parents wouldn’t let him go back? He just needed to last six more months… He could do that, right? Just six more months and then he could forget this ever happened.

**July**

It was Friday, July 8 and Remus was so thankful for school and Scouts to be over. July 7 was the last day he would have had to attend scouts and he was so thankful. All he had to do now was convince his parents to not let him return the following year and he would be okay. He would be okay and he could put everything that happened in a box in the back of his mind and never think about it again. As he heard his parents call him for breakfast, he got out of bed and walked down the stairs to sit at the table.

“Do you have plans today?” His father asked.

“No. I might see Lily but I don’t know,” Remus responded. He built up his confidence and decided to start the conversation about Scouts. “Mom? Dad? Can I ask a question?”

“It’s ‘may,’ dear,” his mother replied. “You know how we feel about improper grammar.”

“Sorry,” Remus quickly said looking down at his lap. “May I ask you both a question?”

“Of course,” his mother replied. “What is it?”

“I was wondering if I could drop out of scouts and not attend next year?” After Remus finished his question, both his mom and dad stopped what they were doing and looked at him.

“Why would you want to stop?” His dad asked. “You’ve been asking us for years to let you join.”

“Well,” Remus started. “I just don’t want to do it anymore.” Remus knew he couldn’t tell his parents the truth. He deserved what was happening to him and he had pretty much asked for it after pleading with his parents for years to let him join. Or at least that’s what Greyback had said to him.

“Remus,” his mother said as she put her hands on her waist. “We talked about this before you joined. We said that we would let you join as long as you promised to stay in the program until the end of grade eight. And promises are not meant to be broken, you know that.”

_ Promises are not meant to be broken, you know that. _

_ Promises are not meant to be broken, you know that. _

_ Promises are not meant to be broken, you know that. _

Those words repeated over and over in Remus’ head. 

“I do, I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“Don’t bring it up again, Remus,” his dad said. “You know how we feel about Scouts and we had a long discussion before you started. We let you join because you wanted to. Do you remember what agreements we made?”

“Yes,” Remus replied automatically with his eyes still looking down. “What is done or said at Scouts stays at Scouts and I will stay in Scouts until at least the end of eighth grade.”

“Good.”

With that final word, Remus walked back up to his room and sat on his bed. He had to go back… He couldn’t get out of Scouts and he was going to continue to have Thursday nights until the end of eighth grade. His mind filled with thoughts and he laid on his bed, allowing them to consume him. He didn’t have the energy to fight them, he had been counting down until today for six months and now it didn’t matter. He couldn’t fight off any thoughts because his torture wasn’t going to end soon.

_ Promises are not meant to be broken, you know that. _

_ I will see you Tuesday. Everyone will think you’re dirty if you tell them. Remember your Scout’s honour. _

_ Promises are not meant to be broken, you know that. _

_ I will see you Tuesday. You deserve this, you know that. Remember your Scout’s honour. _

_ Promises are not meant to be broken, you know that. _

_ I will see you Tuesday. It will get worse if anyone finds out. Remember your Scout’s honour. _

There was nothing Remus could do. Remus was trapped and he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t tell his parents or Lily because then it would get worse but he also couldn’t tell his parents or Lily because he didn’t know if there was anything wrong with what Greyback was doing. Maybe this was a part of life that no one talked about but everyone went through? Remus needed to leave… He needed to do something to stop thinking. He looked around his room and his eyes landed on his bookshelf. His parents loved reading books and they had always hoped that Remus would start reading books so his bookshelf was filled with books already. Deciding that reading was something that would get his mind off of this nightmare he was in, he pulled the first book he saw. _The Magician’s Nephew_ by _C.S. Lewis._ Remus grabbed the book and allowed himself to dive into a different world. He needed to leave the one he was in, he needed to see someone else’s life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** describes violence/rape. I will put the marks before and after the event if you wish to skip it.

Remus spent his summer reading. His summer before grade five was where his love for reading began. By the middle of August Remus had finished all of the books on his bookshelf and had started on the books in his parents’ library. He read day and night and he didn’t sleep much. When he slept, he was plagued with nightmares so he would turn his lights off but use the light from the street light to read his books by his window. Reading allowed him to leave his life and live a life of someone else. When he read The Magician’s Nephew, he was a friend of Diggory and Polly. Remus would join them in their adventures and experience everything alongside them. When he read The Maze Runner, he was one of the boys in Group A who experiences the trials alongside Minho, Newt and Thomas. When he read The Hobbit, he was one of Bilbo’s friends or a fly in the sky when Bilbo was alone. Remus loved being able to leave his reality behind and it was the only thing that seemed to help when he thought of Scouts starting up again.

Lily would drag him out of the house multiple times a week, but partway through the summer while the two friends were hanging out, she brought up the conversation Remus had been trying to avoid.

“Remus?”

“Yes, Lily?”

“Is everything okay?”

“Of course. Why do you ask?” Remus had been trying to avoid this question. Over the past 10 years of their lives, Remus and Lily knew each other inside out. They knew everything about each other and Lily knew how much Remus was against reading until this summer.

“You read.”

“I mean, we are 10 so of course I can read.”

“Not that,” Lily replied as she swatted her best friend’s arm. “You never read. You’ll read if you have to but you never voluntarily read. I’ve had to physically pull you out of the house to stop reading. I just want to know that you’re okay.”

Remus sat and thought about what Lily said. He understood her worry, he would be worried if the roles were reversed. Neither of them really enjoyed reading so if she started randomly reading for weeks on end he would do the same thing. Thinking about what Lily asked, he decided to be somewhat honest. He couldn’t tell her about Greyback or about his nightmares, but he could tell her the reason behind reading.

“I’ll try to explain it,” Remus starts. “There are times when I want to leave and I’m just tired of my life. I know that everyone else is playing outside with each other and playing games, but reading allows me to escape. I know it probably sounds boring or something, but when I’m reading it feels like I’m somewhere else. Does that make sense?”

Lily sat beside Remus as he explained. She knew her friend more than anyone else and she could tell that there was something he wasn’t saying. Lily admitted that she missed playing with Remus, she was more lonely this summer. She didn’t know what was going on but she missed hanging out with him.

“It makes sense,” she said. “Do you think we can read together then?”

“What do you mean?”

“I miss you, Rem. I miss hanging out but I can see that you enjoy reading. Can we hang out and just read separately?”

“But you hate reading?”

“And you love reading. I miss hanging out with you and if you found joy in reading then maybe I can too and we can still spend time with each other. You can recommend to me some of the books you enjoyed the most!”

Remus sat beside his best friend and stared at her. She hated reading, they always complained about it together. She hated reading and yet she would read so that she could hang out with him? A small smile filled his face as he thought about it.

“I would love that, Lil’s.”

That was how Remus and Lily spent the rest of their summer. They would sit in Remus’ or Lily’s room and read books. They would occasionally go read at their favourite coffee shop, The Order, or they would meet up with Severus in the park. For some reason, it made Remus feel better having Lily sit beside him and read. He felt less alone and he enjoyed Lily being willing to change what they would normally do to still be with Remus. And just like Remus did, Lily fell in love with the world of reading. As soon as she finished one of Remus’ favourites, she would tell him and they would discuss their opinions on it. They would say who their favourite character was, what part of the book they liked and hated the most, what would happen later in the character’s life, etc. It was enjoyable having Lily read with him.

Lily would never tell Remus, but she could see a change in him. She could see his eyes sparkle less when he laughed. He still smiled big, but his smiles seemed strained. She knew she was the only one that noticed, but he got quieter on Thursdays. He still talked and laughed, but he seemed lost in his thoughts. Something was happening to her friend and she didn’t know what to do. He knew he could talk to her, but she was pretty sure he wouldn’t talk about it for a while. Lily missed how child-like Remus used to be, she missed the child-like curiosity, the child-like enjoyment over small things, the little spark he would get in his eyes when they were being sarcastic to each other. He would still engage in banter and sarcasm with her but there was a part of him that was missing. Lily didn’t know why her 10-year-old best friend no longer acted as free as a 10-year-old should, but she wasn’t going to let him be by himself through whatever was going on. Lily and Remus had always been told that they were ‘mature for their age,’ but something had changed in Remus and Lily was worried for her friend. All she could do was wait for him to open up and until then she would continue to be his best friend.

**September**

The weekend before school was supposed to start, Remus’ scout group had arranged for a weekend camping trip. Remus was waiting at the building for the bus to load as he stood in the parking lot with the other kids. He had tried to subtly get his parents to refuse to let him go, but they wouldn’t allow him to skip the trip. Remus did not feel safe going into a forest with the group of kids and with Greyback. Remus hadn’t seen his leader in two months and he wished it could last longer. He wished he was sitting at home and reading a book. He wished he could be anywhere but with Greyback. He had brought a book to distract himself whenever he needed, but he knew that if Greyback told him to do something then he would have to do it or everything would get worse.

The first night was fine because nothing happened. The scouts set up their tents and made food. They told ghost stories and they sang songs. Luck seemed to be on Remus’ side up until midday on Saturday. As he was sitting on the rocks watching the other kids swim, he felt someone standing behind him. He automatically tensed up knowing who it was.

“Remus,” the man said. “You’re acting like you are scared. If you don’t relax, someone is going to notice.” With a lot of effort, Remus was able to let his shoulders drop and kept a mask of indifference on his face. “I’ve missed you.” It took everything in Remus to not shudder. He was scared and there was nothing anyone could do to help him. “I expect you to meet me here at midnight.”

“But everyone is supposed to be asleep,” Remus whispered quietly.

“Exactly,” Greyback responded. “You better be quiet so no one wakes up. You know what happens if you don’t show up or you are late.” With those last words, Greyback walked off and joined the other scouts in the lake.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, Remus tried to pretend that he was okay and that nothing was wrong. He should be used to trying to act like that, right? He hated how he was feeling. He looked at the time and saw he still had three hours. The scouts were all retreating to their tents and Remus followed their idea and started to get ready. He wasn’t going to be able to clean himself… He wasn’t going to be able to take a shower and attempt to wash the filth off him. Remus was scared. Remus slowly lost track of time and when he looked at the time next, it was exactly 12 am. Remus was going to be late.

Quietly and quickly, Remus got out of his tent and started to walk to where the lake was. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and he could hear his heart beating in his ears. He had never been late and he didn’t know what to do or what to expect. When he finally made it to the lake, it was 12:03 am and Greyback was already there.

“You’re late, Remus,” Greyback said as he stood facing away from the boy.

“I know, Sir. I’m-”

“Did I say you could talk?”

Remus was in trouble and he knew it. Tears started to spring to his eyes and he tried to control his breathing as his leader slowly turned around. His eyes were anything but kind. Remus could feel the anger radiating off of Greyback and he was terrified. He closed his eyes as he heard Greyback walking towards him.

**

“Tsk, tsk, that won’t do.” Before Remus could process the words being said, he was pushed to the ground and a shirt was pushed into his mouth. Opening his eyes in fear, Remus looked up to see Greyback staring down at him with a smile that did not reassure him. “You’re getting into a bad habit, Remus. I have never kept you waiting, have I?” Before Remus could try to defend himself, he felt pain blossom in his side. Groaning into the shirt, Remus heard Greyback laugh. “I’ve never kept you waiting and yet you decide to make me wait. I don’t appreciate that, Remus.” More pain exploded in his side. It took a moment to realize why his side was hurting but he realized he was being kicked. “I’ve done everything to help you and you couldn’t do this one simple thing.” Remus withered on the ground in pain. What was happening? Tears were falling down his face and Remus couldn’t stop them. “You need to learn a lesson, Remus. If you stay quiet then it’ll all be over soon.”

Remus felt every kick on his side and he felt himself struggle to breathe after every blow. Remus kept muttering the word ‘stop,’ but it came out as a muffle through the shirt. The quiet sound of a belt being taken off and zippers being unzipped registered in Remus’ brain as he screwed his eyes shut. He knew this part by now. He knew the feeling and he knew what to expect. He knew what sounds were being made and he knew it was over quicker if he thought of other things. Remus tried to control his breathing and forced his mind to think of other things.

_ There should have been more survivors of Group A in Paradise. _

_ Does The Chronicles of Narnia have some truth about there being a God? _

_ Why did Smeagol get so driven by the ring if it destroyed his morals of murder? What would have happened if Smeagol didn’t allow the ring to drive him? _

_ Would world leaders actually follow the role of The Maze Runner if a pandemic happened? _

His thoughts ended when he felt an arm pull him off the ground. Drawing himself back into the nightmare that was his reality, he focussed on what Greyback was saying.

**

“-I didn’t want to hurt you, but you needed to learn that being late was not okay.” Remus nodded along just to get it all over with. He flinched as he felt Greyback touch his ribs. “Nothing is broken, I would never do that. You’ll be sore but you’ll remember not to be late now, right?” Remus nodded again. “Use your words, Remus. I’m talking to you. Will you remember to be on time now?”

“Yes, Sir,” Remus responded in a whisper. Remus wanted to fight his leader and walk on his own back to camp but he was too tired and too sore to do it on his own.

“Do you think you deserved it?”

“Yes,” Remus said automatically. His responses were almost second nature to him and unknowingly, he was starting to believe the words he was saying. “It was wrong of me to leave you waiting. It would be wrong for you to let me go unpunished for what I should have learned a long time ago. You were only helping me.”

“Good,” Greyback smiled. “I care about you Remus and I would never do something you never deserved. Now, go get some rest. You’ll need it with your ribs hurting. Goodnight, Remus.”

“Goodnight, Mr Greyback.”

Remus slowly stumbled into his tent. He was glad he had a one-person tent, he didn’t think he would be able to be in the same space as someone. Opening his backpack, he pulled out some of his wet wipes and started scrubbing his skin. He knew it wouldn’t help as much as a shower would, but he needed to do something. Once he saw his tent getting brighter from the sunrise, Remus stopped scrubbing his skin and sat in silence until he heard tent flaps being opened. He put on a fake smile and made his way through the day until he got home. 

As soon as Remus got home, he climbed into the shower to scrub his skin. As he looked down, he could see the bruising on his ribs without the mirror… He couldn’t escape seeing his bruises now. He carefully washed himself before climbing out of the shower and looking at himself in the mirror. His skin was red but that was normal after a shower. His hips also had little finger bruises and those were normal. The thing that wasn’t normal was the giant bruise on the right side of his ribs. Black and blue bruises were littered over his side, starting from his right hip to just below his armpit. If he stared straight at the mirror he could see that the bruises spread slightly toward the middle of his chest but those ones weren’t as bad. Remus teared up as he stared at himself. He didn’t like what he saw, it scared him. There was a cut almost three inches long that stretched from his hip bone towards his armpit. That must have been from the bloody stick he noticed on the ground… Did Greyback do that intentionally or did it just get in the way? Remus didn’t know and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Remus couldn’t help but stand there in front of the mirror and stare at his side… It was horrifying. He would look from the mirror down to his side and back to the mirror to make sure it was actually there. How did that bruise get there? He had never seen a bruise as bad as that before. He knew how a bruise was supposed to look, but are they supposed to look this bad? A knock on the bathroom door alerted him that he needed to go to bed, so he did. He got changed and sat in his bed until his parents called him down for breakfast the next morning.

It was Monday evening when Lily decided enough was enough and she climbed through her best friend’s window and into his room.

“Alright,” she said, startling Remus who was sitting on his bed reading. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not an idiot, Remus,” she responded. She saw the worried look in her friend’s eyes just before he put on his facial mask of indifference. He was quick at covering his emotions and anyone else wouldn’t have seen it, but this was Lily. Lily and Remus knew each other better than anyone and they could pick up a hint of emotion from the other of the slightest degree.

“I never said you were. I still don’t know what you’re talking about though.”

“Remus, you flinch whenever you bend down, lift something, if I hug you, etc. Something hurts and you are trying to hide it from me. I’m not an idiot but you’re hurting.”

“Lily...” Remus was terrified Lily would find out and Lily knew that. He knew he couldn’t show her the bruise or she would ask a million questions. 

“How about this then,” Lily offered. “I promise that if you come to me with any pain or anything, I won’t tell anyone. Whatever is happening is serious enough for you to not tell me.”

“I can’t tell you, Lily.” Remus was tearing up and he closed his eyes to try to reel himself in. He couldn’t let Lily know and he couldn’t lose himself in front of Lily.

“Then don’t,” Lily said. “Don’t tell me what is happening. You make up a terrible lie that we both know is not the reason for why you got hurt and I’ll pretend to buy it. I won’t ask any questions, I’ll just make sure you get better. I promise I won’t ask anything but I will give you bandaids or ice packs or bruise salve or whatever. I promise, Remus.”

Remus looked at his best friend. After everything Greyback had done, a promise meant nothing to him. Promises shouldn’t be broken, but that meant nothing anymore. He wouldn’t break his scout's honour, but a promise meant nothing.

“Promises don’t always work, Lily. Promises don’t help anyone.”

Lily looked at her friend as he continued to stare at his lap. Something had broken her friend and she hated it. She knew that if she pushed the only thing that would happen is Remus would push her away. She stared and thought of what to say next. After a moment of silence, she spoke.

“Okay. Then I will promise you something and you can take it or leave it. You’re my best friend, Remus. If you ever need help or you just need to sit with no questions asked, you come to me. I’ll think of a code word and if you say that code word then I won’t ask a question about it. If you want to talk about it then I’ll wait for you to start. You know my window is always open for you. If you come in or text me with the code word then I will keep my mouth shut.” That was all Lily could offer to her friend. She didn’t know what was happening but she knew that he wasn’t going to tell her. Her friend had grown up a lot over the past year and it worried her. She hadn’t seen him completely lose himself in a laugh or see a spark in his eye of mischief. All she could do was wait and be there.

“Okay,” Remus whispered. “I’ll think about it.”

“I know you will,” Lily said with a smile. “Come over anytime. I’ll text you the code word later, but I need to go back to have supper. See ya!” With that, Lily crawled back into her room and left Remus alone.

(  **Remus** /  _ Lily  _ )

7:36 pm:  _ Codeword is ‘Slim it’ and I’ll reply with ‘Good that.’ _

7:37 pm:  **Are those phrases from The Maze Runner?**

7:38 pm:  _ They are! You love the series so I thought that would work. Are you okay with those? _

7:39 pm:  **I am. Thank you, Lil’s.**

7:40 pm:  _ You’re very welcome. _

**November**

__

After a Thursday Scout night, Remus was in a lot of pain as he walked home. As he got in the shower and scrubbed himself, he noticed blood and realized there was a cut on his back and on his chest.  _ That would explain there being more pain than usual,  _ he thought. As he got out of the shower and looked in the mirror, he realized how bad it was. He couldn’t leave it or it could become infected and that would make things worse. He also couldn’t reach the one on his back and wouldn’t be able to clean it himself. He got changed and walked back into his room. He took his first aid kit and tossed it back and forth between his hands while staring at his window. His blinds were closed but he could see through them to see Lily’s blinds open and her light on.

_ Would she really not ask any questions? _

_ I can’t ask my parents to help, that wouldn’t be worth it. _

_ Can I trust Lily with this? _

Lily had never let him down. Making his decision, he quickly walked to his window and opened his blinds and window before crawling across the tree branches. Knocking on his friend’s window twice, he pushed it open and crawled in. He saw her sitting on her bed with a book open but looking between him and the kit in his hand with her eyebrows raised.

_ It’s now or never,  _ he thought.

“Slim it,” he whispered quietly as he handed her the kit and took his sweater off. 

“Good that,” she said with a small smile.

They stayed quiet after that. He turned around and sat in front of Lily. She worked quietly as she disinfected it and taped the gauze on it. Remus couldn’t bear to look her in the eye, would she be disgusted or would she pity him? Remus didn’t want his friendship to change. He needed Lily whether she knew that or not. He heard her close the kit and dip behind him disappear. He saw her in the corner of his eye as she walked to sit in front of him. 

“All clean,” she whispered. “Do you need anything else?”

“No, thank you for your help.”

“I’m always here.”

As Remus stood up, he thought about giving Lily a hug. He couldn’t express how much he appreciated her help, but he needed her to know. Deciding to do it, he leaned towards Lily and gave her a hug. Lily hugged back just as hard as he did in reply. No words needed to be said, Lily knew that Remus just needed this moment and she refused to let go until she felt Remus let go.

**December**

It was the last Scout evening until the new year. Remus just needed to get through an hour before he was free for three weeks. He waited by the shed for Greyback to finish locking up. He stopped crying before Greyback had his way with Remus back in October. It never changed anything so he would repress his tears until it was actually happening or until he was in the shower. He heard the footsteps before he looked up to see Greyback.

**

“I’ve been waiting for this all week,” Greyback said as he pulled Remus to lie down. “It’s been a hard week but the thought of tonight has kept me going.”

Remus closed his eyes tightly. He could feel the tight grip on his hips as Greyback undressed him.

“Please stop,” Remus whispered quietly.

“Oh no,” Greyback laughed as he tightened his grip. “You should know that you deserve this. I’ve helped you so much and this is the least you can do.”

Tears started falling down Remus’ face as he felt the familiar burn of pain. He felt Greyback drag something sharp down his spine and he cried out loud at the pain.

“Shut up!” Greyback exclaimed, grabbing a piece of material and shoving it into his mouth. “I thought you had finally learned to stay quiet, but I guess you need a reminder.”

Pain flared across Remus’ back as Greyback hit the area that had been cut. Remus cried into the shirt knowing that all Greyback heard was a muffled cry. The pain continued as Remus cried. He zoned out and tried to think of anything else but the pain.

_ Minho was an underrated character in The Maze Runner. _

_ I wish I would just die. _

_ Smeagol shouldn’t have let his greed get in the way of his family. _

_ I want the pain to stop… I don’t want to fight anymore. _

Remus felt the pain stop and his clothes being put back on. He felt himself being pulled to his feet and he saw a sharp rock on the ground with drops of blood on it.

_ Did Greyback use that to cut me? _

_ Is my back bleeding? _

_ It hurts to move. _

“I’ll see you Tuesday. Try to remember your lesson this time, I only did it because you haven’t learned yet. Remember your Scout’s honour.”

_ I need to get clean… I’m dirty _

_ I need to get the feeling off of me. _

_ I need help. _

_ What is he doing to me? I still don’t know what this is called or if it has a name. _

Remus climbed out of the shower and looked in the mirror to see what his back looked like. There were a couple of bruises, but the main concern was the deep gash running down his back. It needed to be cleaned and bandaged or it would get infected. He was cut with a rock after all. Pulling out his phone, he sent a text to Lily and sat on his bed waiting for a reply.

(  **Remus** /  _ Lily  _ )

9:47 pm:  **Would your parents be okay with a movie night tonight? I’m so sorry, I know it’s last minute and I know we had one the other night and I’m so sorry but I can’t be in my house and I just need to get out and I’m so sorry. If you’re busy then don’t worry about it, I don’t want to take away your evening.**

9:49 pm:  _ Dad said that you are more than welcome to come over. Come over whenever you’re ready, the window is unlocked :) _

As soon as she received the text, Lily ran to her dad and showed him the text. Remus had grown close to Mr Evans and both he and Lily knew that Remus was one of the most composed kids in the town. The text his daughter received worried her and worried him. Lily had talked to her dad about something going on with Remus but Remus not saying anything about it, so he knew that this meant Remus needed someone and that person was his best friend. Quickly agreeing, Mr Evans started making hot chocolate and told his daughter that he would call her when it was ready. Lily ran back up to her room just in time to see Remus crawl through her window.

As Lily looked at her best friend, she tried to ignore the urge to run over to him and demand for him to tell her what happened. His eyes were slightly red and he looked barely put together. Looking down at his hands, she saw a bag in one and his first aid kit in the other. He put his bag down on the window seat and sat down on her bed.

“Slim it,” he said tiredly as he took his sweater off. Lily walked towards the bed and sat behind him.

“Good that,” she whispered back. There was a deep cut on his back and there were bruises. It hurt her to see her best friend like this but she knew she couldn’t say anything. She quickly cleaned the cut and put butterfly bandages over them to help them heal. After applying the bruise salve on his back, they sat quietly on the bed until Mr Evans told them that hot chocolate was ready. 

Lily brought the hot chocolate back to her room and she and Remus sat on her bed and watched movies all night. Remus had texted his parents to let him know where he was and they replied with a simple ‘okay.’ At some point during the night, Remus laid his head on Lily’s shoulder and managed to drift off to sleep for a couple of hours. It wasn’t much sleep, but both of the friends knew that it was the most sleep he had gotten in a while. Lily didn’t mind Remus using her as a pillow, she only wished she could do more to help. Until then she would be the first aider and a pillow for Remus.

**March**

“Happy birthday, Rem!” Lily exclaimed as she crawled through her best friend’s window. “You’re 11 now! Does it feel different?”

“Nope,” Remus said as he shot his friend a small smile. “Just another year closer to death.”

“You’re so morbid, Rem,” Lily said as she rolled her eyes. “But you’re not wrong.”

Lily sat down beside Remus and pulled a cupcake, a candle and a lighter carefully out of her bag. She passed the cupcake to Remus and lit the candle.

“Close your eyes and make a wish!”

_ I wish for this all to be over. I wish for this nightmare to end.  _ Once he opened his eyes and blew out his candle, he smiled at his friend.

“What did you wish for?”

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true. You know the rules for wishes.”

“Yes, well we always told each other anyways! We are pretty much the same person!”

“I wished for us to stay friends,” Remus said. It was a lie, but he did wish that he and Lily would always be friends. He knew that wishes rarely came true and that telling someone what you wished for didn’t lower the probability of a wish coming true, but you only get one birthday wish a year. They never come true, but Remus couldn’t help but hope that this wish would come true. He couldn’t take a chance of telling Lily what he wished for, maybe this time a wish would finally come true. Maybe this time, some great being would take pity on Remus and grant him his wish. Maybe, just maybe, Remus would be let out of his hellhole called life because of his birthday wish.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a 'filler' chapter of Remus ages 11-14.

**July**

The summer passed by slowly for Remus. He was forced to go on three Scout camping trips which ended the same way as his last. He brought more wet wipes than last time and he set an alarm for five minutes before midnight. Every time he would come home from a trip he would take a shower and go to Lily’s. Remus would pack his first aid kit before he left and store it under the cushions on his window seat so he didn’t waste time between his shower going to Lily’s. He would mutter a quiet ‘slim it’ and Lily would respond with ‘good that.’

Remus was tired and exhausted. He was tired of lying to Lily and he was tired of Thursday’s happening. Remus wanted out so he kept reading. 

_Pride and Prejudice_

_To Kill a Mockingbird_

_The Maze Runner_ (again)

_Frankenstein_

_The Lord of the Rings_

_The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_

_The Chronicles of Narnia_ (again)

Remus read all summer and he found it was the only thing that could help him. The only thing that could help him was escaping his reality and joining someone else’s. He was so tired and he was ready for everything to end. He wanted his pain to stop. He wanted his thoughts to stop and all he could say was that he was so, so tired. All he could bear to do was read. He kept reading so he wouldn’t have to live his own life.

**September**

Lily noticed Remus changing some more and it scared her. She promised that she would never ask him questions about how he got hurt, but she didn’t know what else she could do. She watched the change over the summer and watched as he got quieter and quieter. He wouldn’t speak unless spoken to and even when he was spoken to he didn’t speak much. When teachers asked him questions in class he would answer, but if they asked him questions outside of class he would usually just nod or shake his head.

Everyone Remus used to hang out with would ask him to speak more. Well, everybody except Lily. Lily knew something was happening, she had known for a while but she also knew that asking Remus to speak more wouldn’t help. Lily still talked to him and if he responded then good. If Remus didn’t verbally respond then Lily would do her best to pick up on the slight clues Remus would give her.

A shrug? ‘ _I don’t know.’_

One raised eyebrow? ‘ _Really?’_ Or _‘what do you mean?’’_

Two raised eyebrows? _‘Are you serious right now?’_

The list went on. Lily couldn’t ask her friend to go back to who he used to be but she could be there for him. Lily just wanted to be there for Remus and that’s all she could do. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion and not being able to do anything. She was watching Remus drive and she knows he is going to crash but she doesn’t know when it will happen. She wouldn’t be able to stop it and she wouldn’t be able to pull him out of the car in time. All she could do was wait for the crash and to rush to his side when it happened.

**November**

“You’re quiet tonight,” Greyback said to Remus as he helped him to his feet. “You’ve finally learned to speak only when spoken to.”

Remus nodded. _No matter how much I say stop, you don’t listen. It’s been almost two years and you haven’t stopped._

“You know that I only do this because you deserve it, right?”

Remus nodded again. _You’ve done so much for me, this is how I can repay you._

“I care for you, Remus. This wouldn’t be as bad if you just learned your lessons. You know that, right?”

Remus nodded again. _I need to learn my lesson. You’re doing your job._

Remus noticed that his thoughts had gotten darker over the years. He had become more submissive in his personality but he didn’t care. The more submissive he became, the less cuts and bruises he would get. If he cried out then he would get cut with a rock or a stick or he would get hit with a fist or a belt. He knew what to expect and he did everything he could to lessen the pain. He wanted to stop needing Lily to help him, but he couldn’t. Lily was the only reason Remus was holding on. He didn’t care if he died, if he died then it was over. If Remus died then he wouldn’t be in pain anymore. But if Remus died then Lily was left alone. Remus couldn’t leave Lily alone. Sure, maybe Lily had Severus but she didn’t talk to him about the things she talks to Remus about. Remus didn’t care anymore if he died, he knew it would probably be better if he died. But Lily wouldn’t be better or okay. Remus couldn’t leave her, not yet.

**March**

Remus is 12 now. He doesn’t feel like he’s 12 though and people tell him that he doesn’t act like it.

_“You’re really wise for a 12-year-old, did you know that?_ ” His friend Severus told him one day.

 _“Why don’t you put down the book and go play with the other kids your age outside? Kids your age should be playing outside more than reading.”_ That’s what his teacher told him during free time one day.

_“You’re too quiet for a 12-year-old.”_

_“You should be playing soccer instead of reading The Great Gatsby.”_

_“Speak up, we can barely hear you!”_

_“You don’t act like a normal kid.”_

Remus had heard everything by now. He knew he wasn’t normal and he knew that people probably laughed about him behind his back. Remus didn’t care anymore. He felt like he was in a hole. He didn’t know how to explain how he felt anymore, he didn’t know what to say anymore and he realized that while he and Lily were arguing. He didn’t know how to lie anymore.

“Remus! You can’t just expect me to do nothing!”

“I do, Lily. I expect you to not do anything.”

Remus and Lily used to banter a lot but they rarely had big arguments. When they used to banter, they were evenly matched. They would both be yelling at each other with matching energy and with sparks of joy in their eyes. They loved to rile the other up and argue about petty and stupid things. It was one of their favourite things to do when they were younger. They fed off of each other’s energy and they were an unmatchable duo. Now, however, they were not on the same level at all. It wasn’t only the topic they weren’t on the same level on it was their energy. Lily was pacing around her room and talking with her hands and raising her voice. Remus on the other hand was the complete opposite. He was sitting on Lily’s window seat with his arms keeping his knees to his chest with his head resting on his knees. His voice stayed sounding exhausted and never raised. Lily hated it and she wished he would yell back.

“Just talk to me!”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You know that’s not true! Why can’t you just talk to me?!”

“It’s not that easy, Lily.”

“It is! Believe it or not, talking is just opening your mouth and forming some fucking words, Remus! Just open your mouth and tell me what’s going on!”

“You’re picking up my habit of swearing and being more sarcastic.”

“Now is not the time!”

“Lily,” Remus sighed. “Please, just leave it.”

“Remus, I can’t just leave it anymore!”

“And why the fuck not?!” Remus snapped. 

Lily took a step back in surprise at the tone Remus used. She looked at her friend and saw him in a light she wasn’t used to. His shoulders were tight even though he looked relaxed, the bags under his eyes were heavier than they had ever been, his clothes hung off his frame slightly looser than they normally did, and his eyes were something else. His eyes had no sparkle or no light in them. They looked tired and they seemed to have no hope in them. There was no joy, laughter, excitement or amusement in them. He looked done and like he had used all of his patience for the day. She walked over to the window and sat in front of him, taking his hands in hers.

“Because you’re my family, Remus.”

“What?” Remus’ tone was one of confusion.

“You’re my family, Remus. You’re like a brother to me and it hurts to watch you go through life like this. Remus, look at me.” Taking one of her hands, she placed it on his cheek and brought his face up to look at her. “I love you, Rem. You’re my brother and I want to help you. Can you tell me anything?”

Remus looked at his best friend. She was scared and he could see it in her eyes. He wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t tell anyone and what if she took it back? What if Lily took back her love after she found out what has been happening? If Lily took it back, Remus would have nothing to live for. If Lily took her love back then Remus would finally let go. He needed her and he couldn’t risk losing her.

“You’re my family too,” Remus whispered. “I can’t live without you right now and I know you want to help but I can’t tell you. I love you like my own sister, Lily. I can’t lose you.” Remus felt his sister touch his cheek, quickly realizing that he was crying. “I’m sorry, I-”

“No, love,” Lily said with a sad smile. “Don’t apologize. Don’t you dare apologize for crying, you know I’d never get mad at you for that.”

“We are two fucked up 12-year-olds, aren’t we?”

“We really are,” Lily replied with a small laugh. “We act much older than we actually are. I mean, I just called you love so I’m already acting like a 60-year-old lady.” Lily smiled sadly as her brother gave her a small smile. It was a fake smile and they both knew it. “Can you answer me one question?”

“Depends what it is.”

“How bad is whatever it is?”

“Lily...”

“Rem, I know it’s bad. I just need to know what I can do. Can you get out of it?”

“Not yet.”

“Will you get out of it?”

“I think so.”

“Rem?”

“Yes?”

“That is the least convincing thing I have heard you try to say.”

“I know… I need time.”

“What can I do?”

Remus studied his friend. He knew that she knew whatever was going on had been going on for a while. She knew it was bad and she wanted to help. Maybe she wouldn’t want to help anymore if she knew what was actually going on.

“Please don’t pry it out of me. Lily, I don’t know how you are dealing with knowing something is going on and me not telling you, but please know that I’ve been trying to put myself in your shoes. I would be doing the same thing as you just wanting you to tell me. I promise I’ll tell you, but I can’t right now.”

“Are you safe?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Lily said, taking a deep breath. “Do I have to be worried about you trying to get out of whatever is happening by killing yourself?”

“What?”

“Remus, are you planning to end your pain by killing yourself?”

“No,” Remus said, squeezing his sister’s hand. “No, I’m not. I’m not going to leave you, I just need time. It’s not safe for me to try to get out now. I’m sorry-”

“Okay,” Lily said squeezing his hand back. “I believe you and don’t apologize. Is there anything I can do to help? Anything at all?”

“Please don’t pry it out of me and please give me time. I’ll tell you at some point, but please just don’t leave me. Whatever goes on, please don’t kick me out or take back your love. Please don’t hate me and turn your back on me. I couldn’t do this alone, Lily. I need you and I need your help when I come into your room with the first aid kit. I need you to just stay by my side and not leave me until this is over. Please, Lily...” Remus had tears freely falling down his face. He had tried hard to keep his emotions from showing but he was terrified of Lily realizing how disgusting he is and leaving him. He couldn’t hold his tears back anymore once he started asking her to not leave.

“Oh, Rem,” Lily said, pulling her brother in for a hug while tears fell down her face. “I’m right here, love. I’m not going anywhere before you get out of what is happening or after you get out. I promise that I’m not leaving.”

“Please don’t promise… A promise isn’t strong enough to keep you by my side after everything is done.”

“Does it need to be a Scout’s honour?” When Lily said this, she saw her friend flinch and immediately moved on. “We need something stronger than. We need something that only applies to the two of us, right?” Lily sat and thought for a moment. She needed something that she could promise that would mean something to both her and Remus. With a sudden idea, she stood up and bolted to her bedside table.

“Lily?”

“A pinky promise!”

“...what? What is going on inside your brain?”

“I read it to you the other day!” Lily frantically flipped through her journal for the poem she copied off of tumblr the week prior. “Here! Okay, ready?” With a nod in response, Lily read the poem out loud.

“Pinky Promise by Linda Winchell

Do you remember our pinky promises?

We made when my little finger crossed with yours?

We promised to always be there when needed

With never a need of words to be heard.

To be the best friends we could be

Always and forever to be yours.

To stand beside each other through thick and thin

Fighting the fires burn with our little pinky courage.

Pinky promises I know wouldn't stand up in court

But it was a legal binding contract back then for you and me.

Two friends linked together for just that moment in time

Promising we'd both be the best that we could be.

Two little pinkies wrapped and bound together

Making promises probably they never knew they'd ever keep.

But if for only that childhood moment in time

Two little pinkies crossed as children did meet.”

Remus sat on the window seat and looked at his best friend. She knew him inside and out and she knew that this would be what he needed to hear. With a small smile, he nodded his head in response.

“Remus, I pinky promise you that I’m not going to leave you alone. You’re stuck with me until we’re old and decomposing in a nursing home together.”

“Thank you, Lily,” Remus said as he wiped the latest tears from his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**June**

“Alright, everyone,” the teacher said from the front of the gym. “You are all here because your parents signed the permission slip to join this presentation.” 

Remus, Lily and Severus were all sitting beside each other near the back of the gym. The school staff had emailed permission slips to the parents of students to be involved in a health class presentation. Not many of the kids knew what was going to be discussed exactly, but they knew it was called ‘sexual education.’ They held this class every two years for the older kids and this was Remus, Lily and Severus’ first time attending. They had been told by older kids that it was not fun and was rather embarrassing.

“We are passing out some pieces of paper and pens, if you have any questions then you can write them down and put them in the box at the break. You do not have to write your name on it but you can if you would like. We will look through them during the break and answer questions for the second half of the presentation.” The teacher looked around the room as students were handed paper and pens. When she had seen that everyone had the materials, she started the presentation.

At the break, there was a line of students dropping papers into the box at the front. Remus had written a simple question but didn’t want it to get traced back to him so he kept the wording simple. _Is there a name for when there is no consent to sex?_ Remus worked on the wording for almost the whole first part of the presentation. The teacher had mentioned that sex, whether between a male and a female, a female and a female, or a male and a male, was consensual. Remus’ experience wasn't consensual, he didn’t say it was okay so if anyone would know then maybe the teacher would know? As he, Lily and Severus sat back down in their seats, they watched the teachers look through the papers and sort them into piles. The break lasted for 15 minutes before the teacher took to the front of the room once more.

“Okay,” she said. “The staff and I have gone through the questions and have decided that we are going to add one more topic before answering the questions. This won’t extend the presentation longer than it’s supposed to go for, but we feel it is important to talk about.” The teachers all looked at each other and at the students before a new teacher stepped up to talk.

“Okay,” the man said. “We want to discuss sexual assault and sexual harassment.” 

At these words, Remus felt his heart race. Is this because of his question? Was there an actual name for what was happening to him?

“Sexual assault and sexual harassment are two areas where there is no consent given by one of the victims.”

 _Victims? What does he mean by ‘victims?’_ Remus questioned in his head.

“Sexual Assault is defined by the touching or any activity done to a person who has not given consent to be touched. Sexual Harassment is the behaviour of someone towards another person. Sexual harassment is focused on comments or actions that someone does to another but sexual assault is sexual touching or forcing sex upon someone who hasn’t given consent.”

 _I’m a victim?_ Remus thought. _But, Greyback says I deserve it, so is that not rape then?_

“I want to be very clear,” the teacher said. “No one deserves to be assaulted or harassed. Nothing a person does should allow for rape, which is forcing sex upon another person. This is illegal and is never okay.”

_I’ve been getting raped for over two years? But, Greyback said I deserved it. He said he would never do something I didn’t deserve._

“There is another part of this which is called sexual abuse. Sexual abuse takes place when a person in authority over you uses their power to sexually harass you or sexually assault you. The people who do this are called abusers. Abuse comes in different forms. These forms can be physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect.”

_Greyback is abusing me? He raped me and abused me?_

“To anyone who may be experiencing this, we strongly encourage you to get help, whether that be from a doctor or nurse, the abuse hotline, the school counsellor or your parents. We strongly encourage you to find and get help.”

_It would get worse if I told someone… No one would believe me over Greyback, no one can get me out of this._

The presentation continued on for another hour before everyone was able to leave for their last class before going home for the weekend. Lily and Severus continued to talk throughout the day but Remus stayed quiet. Remus couldn’t stop thinking about what was said. He didn’t deserve this but Greyback said he did. Remus deserved what was happening to him and he had believed that since he was 10 but now someone was telling him that he didn’t deserve it? It didn’t make sense to Remus.

“Rem?”

“Sorry,” Remus said, shaking his head. “What were you saying?” He looked up from the ground to see that he was no longer at school, but he was standing in front of his house with Lily. “Where is Sev?”

“He left, like, 15 minutes ago… Are you okay?”

“Oh,” Remus sighed. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He needed to pay more attention, he was out of it and he couldn’t afford to let anything slip after today’s talk. The teachers encouraged anyone who was being abused to report it but Remus couldn’t do that. It would get worse and he couldn’t deal with it if it got any worse.

“Are you sure? Do you need anything?”

“I… I think I need to read,” Remus said, shaking his head again. He needed to escape and he needed to stop thinking. I needed to leave this world.

“Okay,” Lily said as she gave him a hug. “My window will be open if you need anything.”

Remus climbed the stairs and entered his bedroom. He tried reading, watching a movie, and doing his homework, but nothing could get his mind off of what he heard today. What Greyback was doing to him wasn’t okay and it was illegal… Remus had been raped… Remus was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by Greyback. There was no excuse for what Greyback had done and he didn’t deserve it.

**October**

_I want it all to stop… please make the pain stop,_ Remus thought as he laid on the ground beside the shed.

**November**

_Why doesn’t he stop? I said stop again but he just laughed… I need to get help._

**December**

“Mom? Dad?”

“Yes,” Remus’ dad replied.

“Something has been happening at Scouts and-”

“What did your father and I tell you, Remus?”

“I know, you said not to talk about what happens at Scouts but-”

“There is no ‘but,’ what happens or what is said at Scouts-”

“Stays at Scouts. I know, I’m sorry.”

“You should know by now, son,” Remus’ dad said. “We don’t want to hear about Scouts again unless it’s about needing a drive in awful weather. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good.”

**January**

“Rem?”

Remus looked up from his phone at his sister’s voice.

“You haven’t talked in a while. Is everything okay?”

Remus nodded his head.

“Do you need me to do anything?”

Remus shook his head.

“Okay. Well if you want to talk or text then I’ll make it work, okay?”

Remus gave his friend a small smile and a nod but both of them knew he forced the smile.

“I know people are probably bothering you about talking, but I’m not going to do that. If you don’t want to talk then we can figure something else out. You do what you need to do, my love. You’re my brother, I love you no matter what. I pinky promise.”

A tear shines in his eyes and he nodded his head as a ‘thank you.’

“You’re welcome.”

**March**

Remus was 13 and he didn’t talk anymore.

Remus was 13 and he didn’t care anymore.

Remus was 13 and he only had 16 months until he would be free of scouts.

Remus was 13 and he already had a countdown, knowing that the last time Greyback would touch him would be July 15 the following year.

Whenever Remus tried to tell his parents what was happening or tell Greyback to stop, neither would listen. After trying over and over again to get his parents to listen or get Greyback to stop, he got the same responses. _Whatever is done or said at Scouts stays at Scouts_ and _Remember your Scout’s honour._ Why bother talking anymore if nothing he said helped him? What is the point of talking if no one listens to a word he said? Why should Remus keep talking when all it does is make noise? The answer was simple to Remus; there is no point or reason. Talking did nothing so he stopped.

Remus withdrew more than anyone thought could be possible. He withdrew from social gathers. He stopped hanging out with people after school. He stopped answering questions in school. Remus cut everyone out of his life except for the person who wouldn’t let him; Lily Evans. Lily Evans would force her way into his room, literally, through his window. Lily would force him to sit with her and watch a movie. Remus succeeded at pushing everyone away except his sister. 

**May**

“Mr Lupin,” the teacher whispered into his ear.

Remus looked up at his teacher. The class were working silently on their homework while they waited for the bell to ring for the end of the day. They had 30 minutes before it would ring.

“Mrs Friar would like to speak to you in her office,” she whispered. “You can take your bag with you, the day ends in about 30 minutes.”

Nodding his head, Remus grabbed his backpack and walked out of the classroom. As he walked down the hall, he pulled his phone out to send a text.

( **Remus** / _Lily_ )

3:03 pm: **Mrs Friar wants to speak to me. Can you wait for me outside the office when class is over?**

3:04 pm: _The school counsellor? And of course. I’ll wait on the bench outside the office. Good luck, love you._

3:05 pm: **Thank you. Love you too.**

Remus knocked on the office door and waited for the counsellor to answer.

“Good afternoon, Mr Lupin,” Mrs Friar said. “Please come in.” Opening the door wide, the lady stepped to the side and directed Remus to take a seat. “Do you know why I have called you in today?”

Remus shook his head. He didn’t know, but he was guessing that she was going to give him the talk of ‘is everything okay at home,’ or ‘do you need to talk to someone,’ or maybe even ‘it’s okay to ask for help, people care about you.’ Remus had heard all of those talks from his teachers when he would leave class and all that he was missing was the school counsellor and the principal. If they asked him then he would have a full bingo card.

“That’s okay. I would like to ask some questions, is that okay?”

Remus nodded his head again. Was he going to answer truthfully? Probably not. Did he care? Not at all.

“Is everything okay at home?”

Remus nodded. _Home isn’t the problem._

“How would you say your life is? How are _you_ doing, Remus?”

 _Ah,_ Remus thought. _There it is. There’s the question. That’s what she wants to know._ Making a quick motion of writing, Remus watched Mrs Friar dug around in her desk and handed him a pad of paper and a pen. Writing a message, he passed it back to the counsellor as she read it out-loud.

“My life is good and I am good. Respectfully, would you please just ask the main questions you are wanting to talk about? I am not one for small talk.” Mrs Friar stared at the writing before shaking her head. After handing the paper back to the boy she folded her hands and continued talking. “Remus, the staff and I are worried about you. We have seen a change in you over the past while. I have noticed that you have stopped talking.” Mrs Friar stared at Remus and Remus wrote back.

_Was there a question somewhere in that that I missed?_

“Remus,” Mrs Friar said. “I am trying to help you.”

_I don’t need help, but thank you for offering._

“I am worried that you are not taking this seriously. I care for you, Remus, but I can’t help you if you don’t care for yourself. Now-”

Before Mrs Friar could finish her statement the school bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Remus stood up to leave but was quickly asked to sit back down. 

“Remus, the bell doesn’t dismiss you.”

_Ah, the stereotypical teacher answer. Can we finish the conversation? My friend is waiting for me._

“That would be Ms Evans, correct?”

_Yes. May I leave?_

“Not yet. Mr Lupin, I am worried that something is going on and you are scared to ask for help. If you are in danger, I can get you some help.”

Remus laughed in his head. It was funny that she thought she could help, his parents wouldn’t help so why Mrs Friar? Shaking his head, Remus wrote another message on the paper before showing it to the counsellor.

_I am not in danger. Did you know that you refer to me as ‘Mr Lupin’ when you are trying to establish your professionalism but you refer to me as ‘Remus’ when you want me to open up and trust you?_

“Mr L- Rem-” Mrs Friar let out a deep breath and shook her head at the student in front of her. “I cannot force you to answer my questions and I cannot keep you much longer. I will ask once more and then I will let you go. Is there anything you would like to tell me or is there anything I can help you with?”

_No, may I leave so I can go see Lily?_

“Yes. If you ever need anyone, my door is always open to you.”

With a nod of his head, Remus grabbed his bag and left the office. As soon as he stepped out of the door, he was greeted with a tight hug from his sister.

“Rem! Is everything okay? What happened? What’s going on?”

Remus rolled his eyes and shot a text to Lily.

3:40 pm: **Slow down there, sis. I’ll tell you once we get home. You made me pinky promise that we would watch the Twilight movies tonight.**

“Oooh,” Lily said as she linked her arm through Remus’. “I can tell that there is a story that happened!”

“You sassed the guidance counsellor?! Remus!”

5:39 pm: **What else was I supposed to do?? She was asking stupid questions!**

“You brought up her calling you by your first or last name though! That wasn’t a stupid question!”

5:40 pm: **She deserved it! She was annoying me! Admit it, you would have loved to be there.**

“Well, I’d obviously have loved to have been there! I’m upset you didn’t record it for me to watch!”

5:41 pm: **Isn’t that illegal? To record a video or audio without consent?**

“Well, yes, but still! It would have been great to watch.”

5:42 pm: **So you want me to become a criminal now? Wow… and here I thought you had my best interests at heart :(**

“Oh shut up you idiot! Pay attention to the movie.”

5:44 pm: **First of all, you started it. Second of all, why are we even watching these movies? They are a disappointment compared to the books.**

“You’re not wrong. The movies are awful but they give us a good laugh. Well, they give me a good laugh and they give you an excuse to use the laughing emoji.”

5:45 pm: **Shut the fuck up and watch the movie.**

“Oh, come on! You have to admit that that was good! Everyone else pity’s you for not talking, I’ll use it to mock you whenever I get the chance. I mean, I can start pitying you if you want?”

5:46 pm: **Mock away.**

**July**

_One more year… one more year and then I’m done. One more year and then I never have to see Greyback again. 12 months and then I’m done._

**August**

“How are you kids doing?”

“We are doing good, Mr and Mrs Crouch. How are you both doing?”

Remus and Lily always loved hanging out at The Order. Lately, Mr and Mrs Crouch, the owners, had seen Lily and Remus coming in to read. They had known the kids for years and loved them like their own. Since the two kids had started coming to read at The Order, Mr and Mrs Crouch had taken away a booth in the corner and replaced it with a couch with two armchairs on the side with a coffee table between them all. Since then, Remus’ and Lily’s visits to The Order to read changed from once a week to four to six times a week. The two elderly owners had soft spots for Remus and Lily and spoiled them whether that be making decoration changes so they could read or occasionally treating them to free drinks and treats. The four people had a special bond.

“We have been good, my dears. Here are some fresh cinnamon buns!” Mrs Crouch handed the kids two plates.

“Awe,” Lily sighed. “Thank you!” Remus quickly types a message to Lily before getting up and leaving the couch.“Remus is just going to the washroom, he said thank you though.”

“How is he doing?” Mr Crouch asked, taking a seat on one of the available armchairs and Mrs Crouch sat in the other.

“He, well, he’s getting through,” Lily said with a sad smile. “He’s told me that there is a lot going on but he is safe.”

“That’s good,” Mrs Crouch replied. “He’s still not speaking?”

“No, but it’s okay. I think he finds it a nice break. Once he stopped talking then less people were constantly questioning him. He seemed more relieved when he stopped getting held back by teachers when classes were dismissed.”

“Ah, yes. We can’t blame him for needing that break. Well, you both know where to find us whether it is when this place is open or not. Our home is always open to you two trouble makers.”

As Remus sat down on the couch, Lily read his text he just sent her out loud to the group.

“Remus says ‘Us? Trouble makers? Who have you two been listening to?’”

“Son,” Mr Crouch said with a laugh. “Didn’t you just tell us that three months ago you sassed the school guidance counsellor?”

“Remus says ‘She deserved it though!’”

“Well, you’re not wrong. That lady is terribly annoying,” Mr Crouch muttered.

“Bartemius! Be a good influence on our grandchildren!”

The table became quiet as Remus and Lily looked back and forth between the couple in front of them.

“Grandchildren?” Lily questioned quietly.

“Well,” Mr Crouch said. “We think of you two as honorary grandchildren. I mean, we don’t have any children of our own but we always talk about you two as our own. We are very sorry if that threw you off or made you uncomfortable but-”

Lily’s phone made a sound as she received a text and she read it out loud with a smile.

“Remus says ‘Gramps is rambling again.’” The four members laughed before Lily continued speaking. “I think I speak for both Remus and myself that we are not upset with you thinking of us as grandchildren. We think of you two as grandparents anyways.”

“Well,” Mrs Crouch said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m glad you are both okay with having us as grandparents.”

“Remus says ‘It’s more that we are glad you both want us as grandchildren. We cause a lot of trouble. Can we call you Grams and Gramps?’”

“We would love that,” the couple said together.

**September**

“Last year before high school, Rem!” Lily exclaimed as they walked to school. “Next year we will be walking to high school! Isn’t that exciting?”

8:10 am: **I’m ectatic. Yay, high school.**

“You’re too sarcastic, love. Can you just pretend to be excited about being a high schooler next year?”

8:11 am: **Of course, let me try again. YAY! OH MY GOSH I’M SO EXCITED! WE ARE SO GROWN UP! CAN YOU TELL HOW EXCITED I AM NOW?!**

“You’re insufferable, Remus Lupin. Did you know that?”

8:12 am: **Love you too, Lily Evans.**

**March**

**  
**_I’m 14,_ Remus thought to himself. _I’m 14 and I only have four months left until this is over. Four months. I can last four months._


	5. Chapter 5

**June**

_ By the end of next month, I’ll be free. I’ll be free and I can forget this nightmare. _

June 24

“So,” Lily said as she finished her latte. “How are you feeling?”

4:58 pm:  **Good? Why? Also, are you seriously going to start this conversation in The Order?**

“I’ll start a conversation wherever I desire, thank you very much.” 

Lily and Remus were finishing up homework at their favourite cafe before Remus had to go get ready for Scouts. It was a Thursday and Lily knew that there was a chance Remus was going to crawl through her window with the first aid kit. She had her guesses about what was happening but Remus would always tell her that they were practising their skills and Remus somehow got hurt. Remus knew Lily didn’t believe him but he couldn’t say anything yet. It wouldn’t be smart to say something yet, he only had a month left and then he was done.

4:59 pm:  **Yeah, that checks out. But yes, I am feeling fine. How are you feeling?**

“Rem,” Lily sighed. “How much longer is this going to last?”

5:00 pm:  **It’s almost over.**

“Is it going to end well?”

5:01 pm:  **Yes.**

_ Most likely not,  _ Remus thought to himself.

“Okay. Well, my window will be open.”

5:02 pm:  **It’s always open for me, but thank you. I have to head home though, I need to get ready for the meeting.**

“Alright, stay safe. Love you.”

5:03 pm:  **Love you too, Lil’s.**

_ Maybe I should tell the police once this is all done… Would that work? _

_ Would the police help if I went to them when it was all over? _

_ Will Greyback just let me go if I don’t come back? _

_ Is Greyback going to hurt me when he realizes I won’t be coming back? _

Remus was taken away from his thoughts when he felt himself being helped up. He barely listened as he started walking home, hearing something about Tuesday and his Scout’s honour. He didn’t need to listen anyways, he memorized what Greyback had told him every Thursday. Remus just needed to get through three more Thursdays and then he was done.

July 1

_ Two more times… I just need to get through two more Thursdays. _

_ Is Greyback just going to let me go? He has to know that I’m not coming back, my parents never sent the confirmation that I’ll be attending next year. If he knows, why hasn’t he said anything yet? _

_ It’s almost all over… _

July 8

“How do you feel?” Lily questioned as she cleaned the scrape on Remus’ back.

10:10 pm:  **I feel okay, just tired.**

“Of course. So what’s the excuse this time for this injury?”

10:11 pm:  **Are you sure you’re ready for the excuse?**

“Always. Give me your best!”

10:14 pm:  **Okay, so we were working on making fires quicker. We were all working on our own but then all of the fires went out at once and there was the low groaning noise. Think of it like a dragon going into heat (I’m not entirely sure if dragons would go into heat but I’m assuming that is what it would sound like). Everyone stayed quiet and we waited for the dragon to leave. We saw it approach our group and from what I could see in the dark, I’m assuming it was lime green and sky blue coloured. The dragon was right beside me and I stayed as quiet as I could. It slowly turned around and left, but the spike on its tail caught my back before it fully left. Thankfully since I don’t talk I didn’t say anything. But long story short, a spike on a dragon’s tail caught my back and that is where the scrape came from.**

Lily stared at her brother after she read the text before shaking her head and laughing. “I worry for your mental health, you know that, right?”

10:15 pm:  **But of course. Did you buy the story?**

“You know I didn’t, but I’ll buy it until you decide to tell me the real stories.”

10:16 pm:  **Thank you for not pushing me.**

“You’re welcome, I know you don’t need it right now. It’s almost over, right?”

10:17 pm:  **It is, I promise.**

July 15

Today was the day. Today was the last day of Scouts for the year and that last day Remus would ever attend a Scout’s meeting. Remus was ready to be done, he was ready for this nightmare to be over. Remus could die tonight if Greyback took matters into his own hands, he knew that. Remus knew there could be a chance that Greyback would do anything to make sure Remus doesn’t say anything. Remus just needed to try to keep his mouth shut. Remus could do this. He was walking home with Lily and he had three hours until his last meeting and five hours until everything was over.

“You doing okay? You’ve been zoning out a lot,” Lily said as she and Remus turned down their cul-de-sac.

4:00 pm:  **I’m okay, just a little tired.**

“Okay. Is tonight the last night of Scouts for the year?”

4:01 pm:  **It is. Today was the last day of school and is the last day of Scouts. We will be in high school in the fall.**

“I’m so excited for high school! I’m excited for all of the new classes.”

4:02 pm:  **Me too. It’ll be a good change.**

“Are you coming over tonight?”

Remus knew Lily felt better when he stopped by after Scouts. She knew something was going on with Scouts but he didn’t know how tonight was supposed to go. He knew he couldn’t promise her that he would show up tonight, but he didn’t want to worry her. He wasn’t too worried about what would happen, he knew he would either be alive or would be dead. Remus didn’t care anymore, he just wanted it all to be done.

4:03 pm:  **Possibly. I’m not sure yet. You’ll leave the window open in case I decide to come over?**

“Of course, you don’t have to ask. I’ll always keep my window open for you.”

_ Maybe you won’t keep your window open anymore if I don’t make it tonight… Maybe yesterday was my last time climbing through your window and making this is that last time we will hang out. _

As Remus and Lily arrived at their houses, Remus gave his friend a hug and texted her a goodbye/see you later.

4:04 pm:  **I’ll talk to you later. I love you, sis. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t tonight.**

“I love you too, Rem. I’ll try not to battle any dragons tonight,” Lily said as she gave her brother a smile. Remus gave her a small, tight smile.

“You know what to do,” Greyback whispered in Remus’ ear as Remus walked into the building. “Wait for me at the shed at the end.”

Remus gave a slight nod, sitting down in his chair and letting his mind wander.

_ What if this is the end of everything? I don’t know if I’m ready to leave Lily behind yet. I need to be there for her through high school at least. She can’t go through her first year of high school alone, she needs me there. _

_ Would Lily be okay if I didn’t make it? Would Severus be able to take care of her? _

Remus pulled out a notebook and pen from his backpack and started writing a note. If he was going to die tonight, he needed to leave something with Lily. Lily was his family and if he was going to die then he needed to give her some explanation. He needed to talk to her one last time so he wrote a letter.

“Lily,

I don’t know how tonight is going to go, but if you got this then that either means I didn’t make it or that I decided to show this to you. Lil’s, I love you and you have been my best friend and my sister since we first met. You are the most important person in my life  ~~ and I don’t know if I’m ever going to see you again ~~ and if anyone deserves an explanation, it’s you.

His name is Fenrir Greyback and he tricked me into giving him my Scout’s honour about keeping our ‘friendship’ a secret. I was 9, I think you remember. He said it was because people would get the wrong idea but that was some  ~~ bullshit ~~ (I shouldn’t swear if this is that last you hear from me) crap. He started raping me and abusing me two months before I turned 10. It’s been happening so long and I didn’t know it was wrong until they told us about it in grade six. He’s a  ~~ fucked up ~~ wicked man and tonight is the last night he will touch me because I’m not joining scouts next year.

I’m sitting in the meeting writing this because you’re my sister and best friend and you need to know that you are the reason I kept holding on. Don’t think you could have done anything better, you did everything perfectly. Tonight is the last night he will touch me but I don’t know if that’s because I’ll tell the authorities or because he killed me to keep me quiet. Lily, I love you so fucking much. I love you so much and you kept me going. Thank you for keeping me sane and for keeping me as safe as you could. I need to give this letter two endings. You’ll probably read them both because you are, well, you are Lily.

If I die: Don’t blame yourself. You did everything you could and you did everything perfectly. Find someone who loves you and name a child after me. I mean, come on, naming your child ‘Remus’ would guarantee that child an awesome future. Don’t call them a ‘fucking idiot’ though, that’s not my real name despite how much you call me that. Tell Grams and Gramps I love them. I want to end this lovingly and everything, but I guess I don’t know how to end this if I actually die. I guess I’ll just give you the best piece of advice from one of our favourite books. Newt told Minho to give everyone a pep talk and he did. In the wise words of Minho, ‘Be careful, don’t die.’ I love you Lil’s, live life for the both of us.

If I live: From the words of Madison from American Horror Story, ‘Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you saw the last of me.’ I’m sorry for putting you through so much over the years, but thank you for being with me and helping me. You are my lifeline and I can’t thank you enough. Thank you for keeping your pinky promise. I love you.

Thank you for all you have done, Lily. I hope you will always remember the times we shared and the joy we shared. Thanks for getting into books for me, thank you for taking care of me and thank you for always being by my side. You made everything bearable. Thank you, my sister. I’m sitting in this meeting finishing up this letter and I’m scared. I’m so, so scared but I need you to know how much I love you. You were the best sister I could have ever imagined. You’re the best and you are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world.

Love from your brother,

Remus John Lupin.”

As Remus signed his letter, he tucked it in his backpack and turned his attention back to the meeting. He had kept his ears open just in case and made sure to make sure no one saw what he wrote. A couple of minutes later, the meeting was dismissed and Remus made his way to the forest.

_ It’s the last night. _

_ Just get through today. _

_ One more time and it’ll be over. _

_ There’s nothing to worry about. If things go wrong then at least Lily will have some closure. _

Remus heard Greyback’s footsteps as he got closer to where Remus was waiting.

_ Just stay quiet. One more time and it’s over. _

_ Do it for Lily. I want to see Lily again. _

_ One more time and it’s over. _

Remus closed his eyes as he felt what he was far beyond used to. 

_ Just breathe, it’ll be over soon. _

_ Just get home to Lily so she can help you through it. _

_ Stay quiet, Remus. Stay quiet and it’ll be over sooner. _

Remus clenched his teeth at the pain and continued thinking about Lily. He needed something to keep him from breaking and the only thing that would do that would be thinking of Lily.

_ Lily needs you, do this for her. _

_ Keep quiet and it’ll end as it usually does. _

_ Don’t give him a reason to hurt you more. _

Remus felt Greyback pull away to put his own clothes back on. Remus continued to lay there, he didn’t want to do anything different than normal. Remus didn’t want to give Greyback any reason to decide to hurt him more. Remus felt Greyback lift him up, everything was going how it usually went. Remus should be guided to the front of the building. Or at least that’s what was supposed to happen.

“Remus!”

Remus was snapped out of his thoughts by a slap to the face and a yell from Greyback. Quickly looking up, Remus made eye contact with Greyback.

“I said, do you have something to tell me?” Greyback questioned, tightening his grip on Remus’ shoulders.

Remus shook his head.  _ Don’t run your mouth, Remus. Do not say something sarcastic for once in your life. _

“Don’t lie to me!” Greyback exclaimed, pushing Remus to the ground. “I have done so much for you!” Remus felt Greyback’s boot connect with his ribs. “And you repay me by lying to me?!” 

Over and over again Remus felt his ribs being cracked by Greyback’s boot. Over and over again Remus felt his walls of courage break down smaller and smaller. Remus withered on the ground, stopping himself from crying out. He couldn’t give Greyback the satisfaction of knowing he broke Remus. 

“I have been good to you! I have helped you more than you want to admit! I am the reason you have succeeded!”

Remus tried to stay quiet, he just needed to get through this and then he could see Lily. He just needed this to end. His body screamed in protest the torture it was being put through. Greyback’s boot collided with Remus’ abdomen over and over again. He heard his ribs crack and he felt his body burning in pain. Remus just wanted it all to be over, he wanted to go home.

“Tell me what you are keeping from me! Tell me what you are supposed to tell me!”

_ What does he want? _

_ I don’t know what he wants me to tell him… Am I supposed to tell him I’m not coming back? That I want to tell the police? Maybe that I don’t know if I’m going to be dead or alive tonight? _

“Do you need a hint?” Greyback whispered as he kneeled down to Remus with a cruel grin. “Do you need me to tell you?” Greyback traced his fingers across Remus’ jaw. “Are you such a failure that you need me to tell you what you’re supposed to tell me?” Greyback gripped Remus’ jaw tightly, causing Remus to flinch. “Why didn’t you tell me about tonight being our last night together? I would have made it special.” Closing his eyes, Remus prayed for it all to be over soon. As soon as his eyes shut, he felt Greyback’s fist connect with his cheek. Remus groaned in pain as his face blossomed in pain.

“Please stop,” Remus croaked, tears falling down his face. He struggled to breathe, something was wrong. He shouldn’t be struggling to breathe this much.

“Oh,” Greyback said with a laugh. “It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice!”

Remus had broke. Remus was done. Remus could barely breathe.

“Please, let me go!”

“Oh no,” Greyback laughed. “I can’t let you go. You’re going to run your mouth if I let you go and we can’t have that now can we?”

“Please, I just want to go home!”

Greyback continued to laugh as he punched and kicked Remus. Remus groaned in pain, he wasn’t going to make it through the night if Greyback didn’t stop soon. Remus would just need to make it home after this, he needed to make it home. He could barely breathe through the pain, he didn’t know how he was supposed to walk home.

“You know,” Greyback said, kneeling back down so he could talk to Remus. “I’ve done this many times. I usually enjoy watching the young boy die, but I know how much you need people. I think it would make you feel worse if you died slowly on your own.”

“Please...” Remus whispered. He was in so much pain, he didn’t want to die in the forest.

“Now, Remus,” Greyback whispered. “I don’t think I need to remind you of the rules anymore, but it looks like I do.” Landing a hard punch to Remus’ stomach, Greyback continued. “Don’t interrupt, I’m going to talk now and you are going to listen. Do you understand?”

Remus nodded as much as he could with the pain he was in. Everything hurt more than it ever had. Every tiny movement hurt, he didn’t know how or if he was going to be able to walk home if Greyback left him alone to die.

“I’m going to tell you a story and you’re going to die with the information.” An unsettling laugh left Greyback’s throat. “You aren’t special, Remus. I chose you because you would be one of the funniest people to watch break. And boy was I right. I loved when I finally broke you. I loved when you would stay quiet and just let yourself cry because you knew your words wouldn’t do anything. It was such a beautiful, beautiful sight.” Greyback’s smile grew when he saw Remus’ eyes widen in terror. “Do you know who The Death Eaters are?”

Remus nodded slowly, not knowing what the connection was.

“I’m one of them. I’m one of the most important members of The Death Eaters. Did you know that they don’t just reside in our lovely city? They are worldwide and we do crimes all over the world and in this city. Unexplainable murders are some of our best work. Your death will be another tally of the young boys I have killed but not been found guilty of. It’s one of my favourite games to play.”

Remus felt his eyes begin to close. He was in so much pain and he wanted to succumb to the darkness. Remus wanted to allow himself to die, he really really wanted to. He closed his eyes, he needed to focus on living but keeping his eyes open was something he didn’t need to spend energy on.

“I’m going to miss playing with you, Remus. You were one of the most entertaining boys I’ve had the pleasure of breaking. Even right now, I am loving watching you break. It’s a beautiful sight.” Greyback stroked Remus’ cheek once more before standing up. “As much as I would love to watch you struggle to breathe until you die, I must be going. I hope you enjoy your struggle to death. Follow the light if you see it. And, Remus,” Greyback laughed before continuing. “Remember your Scout’s honour.”

Remus stayed on the ground as he heard Greyback walk away. He stayed on the ground when he heard Greyback’s car start. He stayed on the ground as he heard the sound of Greyback’s vehicle drive farther and farther away. He was safe to move. Greyback was gone and Remus could now go home. Well, he could go home if he could make it.

Keeping his eyes shut, Remus tried to picture the extent of his injuries. He knew what different injuries felt like and he had read about different injuries and their symptoms. Trying to take a deep breath, he could feel a sharp pain in his chest and he was having difficulty breathing. He had heard some of his ribs cracked and he was assuming that one of the ribs had possibly punctured his lung. His entire body felt like it was on fire and he was nauseous. 

He needed to get home… He needed to get to Lily.

Opening his eyes, he let them adjust to his surroundings. If he wanted to live, he needed to leave now. Remus slowly started moving, any movement made the pain worse but he had to go home. He had to see Lily. He didn’t live far and it was late. Carefully pulling his iPod from his pocket, he saw that it was 9:52 pm. His parents were out tonight so he knew he would be able to make it to his room without his parents seeing.

Remus reached for his bag and slowly put it on his back. Looking around, he found a strong stick in reach and he used it to get up and start walking. Everything hurt, any movement hurt and he wanted to give up. Remus wanted to give in to the pain and stop fighting, but he needed to leave.

Remus took his time walking home. He used the stick and he kept one hand around his abdomen. Remus tried to let his thoughts run just so he could make it home. He couldn’t give up in the middle of the sidewalk. He would only allow himself to rest when he made it to his room.

_ Will there ever be The Maze Runner movie series? Would Lily go see it if they came out? _

_ Don’t puke, Remus. Just keep going, you’re almost there. _

_ How different would the movies of The Maze Runner be from the books? Would Lily hate the movies as much as she hates the Twilight movies? _

_ Slow breaths. Don’t take deep ones, they hurt too much. _

_ Will Lily marry someone she deserves? She needs someone better than Severus. Severus may be a good friend, but he couldn’t give her what she needs. _

_ You’re almost there. You can see your house. You can give in soon, just another minute. _

_ Will Lily be okay without me? She’s strong and she can do anything, but will she be okay if I give in? _

Remus slowly turned the front door handle and walked in his house. Turning on the lights, he let out a small sigh of relief. He was home. It took Remus five minutes to climb the stairs, but he did it. Sitting down on his bed, Remus considered his options.

_ I can give in now… All I have to do is lay down and close my eyes. It would all be over. _

_ Would Lily be mad if I gave in? She might be, but I’ve always put her first. Maybe this time I should put myself first. _

Glancing up from his lap, Remus pulled out his iPod and put the front camera on to see how bad he looked. His face was bruising and his lip was cut. There was a cut above his eyebrow as well. Remus didn’t want to look at his abdomen, if he saw what it looked like then it would hurt more. Putting his device back in his pocket, Remus continued to debate his options.

_ I could call someone and they could take me to the hospital. The doctors would be able to help me. _

_ I’ve never done what is best for me when considering Lily and me. I deserve to be put first. I don’t want to fight anymore, I want to die. _

Remus stopped. He realized that he didn’t want to fight anymore. He wanted to stop and let this nightmare end.

This thought was what changed everything for Remus. He didn’t want to fight anymore and he told Lily that he just needed time. The time was up and Remus needed help. Remus needed Lily.

He looked to his window and saw that as usual, Lily had her window opened and her light was on. Carefully walking to his window, Remus opened it slowly before placing a plank of wood between the windows and slowly crawling across. Remus and Lily rarely used a plank of wood to get across the tree, but they each had one in their rooms. They had decided years ago that they needed them in case something came up where they couldn’t balance on the branches. Originally they meant that by one of them being dizzy, but Remus guessed that most likely having a punctured lung among many serious injuries was also a reason.

When Remus crawled through the window, Lily didn’t notice him right away.

“Lily,” Remus whispered, tears falling down his face at the fact that he was seeing his sister when he thought he wouldn’t get to.

“Hey, Rem!” Lily said, having not yet turned around. “I’m just finishing up-”

“I’m out of Scouts… I can break my Scout’s honour,” Remus said Lily quickly turned around realizing that her friend was talking. She stopped dead in her tracks when her eyes landed on her brother. He was bruised and there was blood all over him. Tears were falling down his face and his breathing was uneven. Her brother looked broken and like he was in unimaginable pain.

“Remus...” Lily breathed out, tears filling her eyes.

“Please get me to the hospital, Lily... I... I need help.”

Lily quickly yelled for her dad before making her way over to her best friend, carefully guiding him to the door. They made it to the door at the same time as Mr Evans made it to the top of the stairs.

“Lily? What’s wro-” Mr Evans stopped as his eyes landed on his honourary son. “Remus? What happened?!”

“Dad,” Lily said, not stopping from guiding Remus to the stairs. “We need to get him to a hospital, please! Can you drive?”

The next hour was a blur for Remus. Mr Evans drove him and Lily to the hospital and stayed by their sides the entire time. Lily refused to let go of Remus’ hand but he was okay with that. Remus needed Lily beside him and he knew that she would make sure he was in good hands. Trusting his sister, Remus allowed himself to tune out and just be guided by the doctors and nurses. Remus doesn’t remember much of what happened after he made it to the hospital, but he remembers waking up a couple of times and seeing either Lily and Mr Evans by his side or just Mr Evans. Remus didn’t care though, he knew he was in good hands.

July 16

Remus hears noises around him and he opens his eyes. Quickly looking around, his memory comes back of everything that had happened. He saw his parents outside of the door talking to a doctor, there were some police officers in the hallway and Lily and Mr Evans were sitting on the chairs beside his hospital bed. Lily was still holding his hand.

“Hey, love,” Lily said quietly. “How are you feeling?”

“Shitty,” Remus replied.

“You gave me quite a scare yesterday. I didn’t even realize you were talking to me but then I turned around and you looked...”

“Super good looking?”

“You’re not going to take this too seriously right now, are you?”

“No,” Remus said with a sad smile. “From what I can see I am going to be interrogated by the police and doctors for most of the day. There will be no sarcasm or anything during that time, only looks of pity.”

“Ah, that’s fair.”

“How bad was the damage?”

“Really bad, Rem,” Lily said, tears starting to fill her eyes. “You had four broken ribs, one of your lungs was punctured, you had a lot of internal bleeding and a lot of bruising.”

“Had?”

“You’ve been out for almost eight hours. They did surgery to fix everything last night once your parents signed the papers and then you would wake up and fall back asleep. It’s Friday now.”

“Oh… I mean on the bright side I got to sleep a lot, right?”

“Right,” Lily said with a small smile, shaking her head. “I’m glad you’re alright. You’ll tell me about everything at some point, right?”

“I pinky promise. Don’t worry, Lil’s.”

Silence took over the two friends. Neither knew what to say about what had happened. Lily knew Remus didn’t want to talk about what happened yet, so she decided to ask what she would usually ask.

“So what’s the excuse this time for your injuries?”

“Are you sure you’re ready for the excuse?”

“Always. Give me your best.”

“Thank you,” Remus said with a small smile. He was so thankful for Lily being willing to not give him a serious conversation at the moment. “You know that creepy bird from the UP movie?”

“Kevin?”

“Yes! Well I saw him last night and he convinced me to follow him into the forest-”

“Oh gosh...”

“Shush, do you want to hear the story or not?”

“Okay, okay. Continue the story.”

“So I followed Kevin into the forest and that’s when he became violent. He apparently chugged 10 cups of coffee and took eight grams of Adderall. Also, you know those caffeine patches from Meet the Robinsons? He had 22 of those on his neck and he hadn’t slept in eight days. He asked me to get him some coffee but I told him I didn’t have any so then he did this to me. He was not happy that I did not have any coffee on me. After he beat me up, he ran away to look for his next victim.”

Lily laughed beside him and pulled him into a gentle hug.

“I’m glad you’re alright. I don’t think I would have been able to go the rest of my life without hearing your stupid stories.”

“I’m glad I’m okay as well,” Remus said, carefully hugging his friend back.

A knock on the door interrupted Remus’ and Lily’s hug. After pulling away, the two looked up to see Remus’ parents, a doctor and two police officers.

“Good afternoon, Remus,” the doctor said. “Mr and Ms Evans, would you both step out so we could talk to Remus?”

After a nod from both of the Evans’, Remus was left in the room without his best friend and honourary dad.

“Mr Lupin,” one of the police officers began. “I am officer Scamander and this is my partner in training, officer Moody.” The other young officer nodded his head as a greeting before taking over speaking.

“We were called in last night when you arrived at the hospital with the Evans’. After speaking with them and your parents, we would like to receive your statement as to what happened. We can do this with or without the other people in the room. Is there a preference on your part?”

“May I please speak just to you two?” Remus asked hesitantly. He didn’t want his parents to be in the room when he was telling the story. Maybe he could get the police officers to tell his parents. He knew he shouldn’t blame them, but he had tried to leave Scouts a couple of times but they would never listen. He wasn’t ready to talk to them yet.

“Of course,” officer Scamander said.

Remus leaned against the back of his bed. The doctor had helped him sit up before adjusting the back of the bed to rise, allowing Remus to sit up in his bed. Remus watched as his parents walked out of the door, the doctor following shortly behind. The room grew quiet as the two officers pulled chairs together to sit beside each other. After making themselves comfortable, officer Scamander started speaking.

“So, Remus,” he began. “How about you start telling us what happened?”

“Where should I start?”

“Preferably at the beginning.”

“Which beginning?” Remus asked. The beginning of last night or the beginning of Scouts. Remus saw the two officers exchange a look of confusion before the first officer started talking.

“What do you mean, Remus? There is only one beginning, is there not?”

“What I mean,” Remus said quietly as he fiddled with his fingers. “Do you want me to start at the beginning of what happened yesterday or start at the events leading up to last night?”

“Moody,” officer Scamander said, not taking his eyes off of the young boy in front of him. “Would you please set up the camera to record this interview? I think this will be longer than we first believed. Remus, why don’t you start at the very beginning. How did everything start and how did it lead to what happened last night?”

“His name is Fenrir Greyback,” Remus started. “He was my Scout’s leader since I first entered the club. I joined the club at the start of my grade 3 year of school. This man took a liking to me and I didn’t think anything of it, I was just happy that a leader wanted to be my friend. At the end of that Scouts year, he made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone about our friendship because they would get the wrong idea. Apparently, the wrong idea someone would have gotten would have been the correct idea that I didn’t know about.” Remus stopped for a moment, trying to control his breathing. He just wanted to get this over with. “Two months before I turned 10, he raped me for the first time.” Remus heard the pen officer Moody was writing with stop for a second before he continued to write. Remus realized at this point that the officers in front of him were not expecting there to be a long story when they arrived this morning. “He continued raping and abusing me every Thursday during the club year. Last night he told me that he knew I wasn’t joining Scouts in the fall but he couldn’t let me go to the police so he did all of this,” Remus said as he gestured at himself in the hospital bed. “He knew that I feel better when I’m with people, so he planned to let me die alone to make it worse. Somehow I made myself walk home and see Lily. When I made it to Lily’s room, she called her dad and he drove us here.”

The two officers sat quietly for a moment before officer Scamander spoke.

“I am very sorry for all you had to go through, Remus. May I ask some questions for you to answer?”

“Of course. Could you please pass me my iPod from my bag, first? It has something you both will probably need.”

“Yes,” Moody said as he got up and handed the boy his device.

“Thank you,” Remus said. “While I was waiting in the forest for Greyback, I started a video so that there would hopefully be some evidence if I made it through. I can give my iPod to you both to listen to, but I really don’t want to listen to it.”

“Of course,” officer Scamander said, taking the device from the boy’s outstretched arm. “We will give it back to you later today. May I start the questions?”

“Yes.”

“Now, I will give you the warning that we are not blaming you but these are standard questions we need to ask someone in this situation. The questions are quite blunt and at the end, I will ask more direct questions but they will not be comfortable. Take your time answering, but it will work best if you are completely honest. Sounds good?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Why didn’t you tell anyone before?”

“He told me it would get worse if I told anyone. I tried to tell my parents but they didn’t listen.”

“What do you mean by your parents didn’t listen?”

“I promised them before I started Scouts that anything done or said in Scouts would stay at Scouts and I had to attend Scouts until the summer before high school.”

“Did they know what was going on or did they not let you tell them?”

“I tried to tell them, but whenever I brought it up they wouldn’t let me continue talking. I eventually gave up on trying to tell them.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that. Has Greyback ever left marks on you? By marks, I mean cuts or bruises.”

“Yes, he has. I would clean and bandage myself. If I couldn’t reach them then I would go over to Lily’s and she would clean them and bandage them for me.”

“Did she know what was going on? Did she know about Greyback and what he was doing to you?”

“No, she didn’t know anything. I would tell her I just got hurt at Scouts by being clumsy.”

“Okay. And are you wanting to press charges?”

“Yes. Do you know about The Death Eaters?”

“The Death Eaters?” Moody questioned, looking up from his notebook. “Yes, we do. What does that have to do with Greyback?”

“Greyback is one of the members. He spills a lot of secrets and information on the video if the talking was audible.”

“We should be able to hear what was said. We have the technology for that.”

“Okay,” Remus said. “May I ask for a favour?”

“Depends what it is,” officer Scamander said. “What would you like?”

“Could you tell my parents about everything I said?”

“We can. Are you sure?”

“Yes. I don’t want to tell them. Thank you.”

“Of course. We have your contact information so we will contact you and your parents in regards to what is happening to Greyback. If you need anything or he tries to come after you, here is my card and you can call me. I hope you heal well, Remus.”

The two officers stood and shook hands with Remus before leaving the room.

The weekend passed slowly as Remus was confined to the hospital bed. Tests were run and he was forced to wear a back brace for a couple of weeks to make sure his ribs healed correctly. Lily and Mr Evans stayed with him until visiting hours were over and would come back the next day when visiting hours started again, His parents stayed away unless the doctors needed to speak to them, Officers Scamander and officer Moody stopped by to talk to Remus more, and even a psychiatrist and therapist stopped by Remus’ hospital room to run their tests. Remus knew he needed to be honest during the tests, so he told them the truth. Well, he told the truth about his physical tests. Remus didn’t want a therapist so he gave them the answers they would want and he passed with flying colours.

On Monday afternoon, Remus was released from the hospital and his parents drove him home. As the family walked into the house, Remus paused in the hallway, not knowing if his parents would want to talk or not. As he stood there, his dad started speaking.

“Remus? Can you come sit at the table? We all need to talk.”

“Okay,” Remus said as he walked to the table and sat down.

As his parents joined him, the room dove into silence. Remus wasn’t going to start the conversation, he promised himself that. He had tried to start this conversation multiple times before and they never wanted to listen. If they wanted to talk then they had to start the conversation and put in the effort.

“The officers told us what happened,” his mother began. “Why didn’t you tell us?” This comment caused Remus to stop his fidgeting and look up to his parents in shock.

“Are you serious?” Remus asked.

“Son,” his dad said. “Why didn’t you-”

“Are you both being serious right?”

“Son, we-”

“No!” Remus said, standing up. “I tried to tell you both! I tried to tell you multiple times but every time I tried to say something, you both shut me down.”

“We didn’t mean to-”

“What are the two rules you both wouldn’t let me forget? Do you remember? Because I do.” Remus laughed and shook his head in disbelief. “You both told me that whatever happened or was said in scouts that it stays at scouts and that I promised to attend until high school. Do you remember the times I tried to break those rules? Because I sure do! I needed your help then and you never let me ask.”

“Son,” his dad said. “If you had just-”

“No,” Remus laughed. “You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to do that! Me not telling you what was happening was not my fault, it was yours. I tried to tell you and you wouldn’t listen. That is your fault and I will not take the blame for that.” Remus looked at both of his parents in complete shock. He couldn’t believe that they would try to blame him for not telling them. He had tried. He had tried multiple times to tell them and they shut him down every time. Remus was not going to allow his parents to blame him for this.

“We never meant to-”

“May I please be excused?” Remus asked, interrupting his mother. “It’s been a long weekend and I would really like to relax.”

“Of course,” his mother said with a small frown. “If you need anything-”

“I know.”


	6. Chapter 6

**August**

“Oh, my dears!” Grams exclaimed as she ran towards Lily and Remus as they walked in the front door of The Order. She embraced Lily in a tight hug before carefully putting her hands on Remus’ shoulders. “Am I okay to give you a hug? Lily told me you have some… um… injuries.”

“Just be careful,” Remus laughed.

“Oh! I’ve missed your voice so much, dear!” Grams gave Remus a light hug before guiding the two teens to the couch in the coffee shop they usually sat on when they visited. “Now, you two relax! I’ll bring you both some fresh brownies and two vanilla lattes.”

“You remember our favourites,” Remus said with a small smile.

“Of course I do! What sort of grandma would I be if I didn’t remember my grandkids’ regular orders?” Grams kissed the two kids on the cheek before leaving them alone.

“I miss you crawling through my window.”

“I’m sorry I have broken ribs that make it difficult to crawl across a tree branch.”

“You know,” Lily said with a roll of her eyes. “Sometimes I miss when you didn’t talk. It gave me more time to prepare for your sarcasm because you had to text it before I could read it. I could even ignore it if I wanted to.”

“I can go mute again if you want? I did it for a year so I can do it for longer.”

“Shut up.” Lily shook her head in amusement at her brother. She had missed the sarcastic tone Remus had. “Are you still coming over for a movie night tonight?”

“Of course. I love our movie nights and I have been deprived of them since I got home from the hospital.” 

“How’s it going with your parents?”

“They’ve grown cold like never before.”

“I’m sorry, love...”

“It’s okay. I know it’s not my fault for it. They are the reason for the distance between us. I tried to tell them and they stopped me every time. I’m not going to let them blame me for the distance they caused.”

“You’ve very smart, dear,” Grams said as she and Gramps approached the couch. They set the brownies and lattes on the table and sat down on the armchairs. “Now, tell us how you two have been keeping busy over the past couple of days.”

“Well,” Lily started. “I’ve been doing my usual. I’ve hung out with Rem and Sev and I’ve read some books. It’s my usual schedule. Remus, however, is living the dream!”

“Really? Do tell your dear Grams and Gramps!”

“Oh gosh,” Remus says with a laugh. “Lily might have bent the truth a little bit. I have been enjoying the pity looks from my parents as they keep their distance. I’ve read books over and over again because my parents are too scared to let me out of their sight but also refuse to keep me in their sight. I’ve managed to escape them long enough to see Lily and Severus a couple of times and are you all ready for this? I’ve convinced them to let me sleepover at Lily’s for the weekend! I had a weekend of freedom!”

“Oh dear, you both are going to get into some trouble this weekend, aren’t you?” Grams asked with a laugh.

“You both will remember what we’ve told you?”

“If you are going to do something stupid, don’t get caught,” both teens said.

Remus placed the plank of wood between the two windows and very slowly crawled into his best friend’s window.

“Remus!” Lily exclaimed as she ran to the window and helped him in. “What the hell are you doing? You have broken ribs and a healing lung!”

“Hey,” Remus said as he threw his bag onto Lily’s bed. “You were the one complaining about me not crawling through your window earlier! Excuse me for trying to make you a bit happier.”

“You could have died!”

“I beat death once, I can do it again.”

“Maybe I should give you a new nickname...”

“You mean I won’t be called a ‘fucking idiot’ anymore?”

“You’re a fucking idiot and the boy who lived. How about that?”

“I love it,” Remus said with a laugh. He had been thinking about this weekend all week and he knew he had to tell Lily the truth of everything. He knew Lily would wait patiently until he was ready, but he needed to tell her before school started. She deserved to know the truth. “Have you talked to Severus about the hospital and me?”

“It’s been brought up, but I don’t think he cares that much. Okay, that sounded bad. I mean that I don’t think he cared about the reason too much because he’s glad you are okay.”

“That’s fair. You haven’t told anyone anything, right?”

“I’ve said nothing to anyone except what you said I could tell Grams and Gramps.”

“Okay,” Remus said with a sigh. “I think we should sit down for this. You deserve to know what happened.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to talk now.”

“I know, but I need to tell you. I need to ask a favour though.”

“Of course, Rem. What is it?”

“I know you won’t, but I need you to pinky promise to never tell anyone unless I give you permission but also to not interrupt. Once I’m done then you can ask all the questions but I need to just be able to get through it without having to stop. Is that okay?”

“Of course, I pinky promise I won’t.”

The two friends sat on Lily’s bed and Remus pulled his backpack onto his lap before beginning to speak.

“I have something I need you to read. I wrote it during the meeting on the last night of Scouts. I need you to read it and when you’re done then I’ll dive into the story. Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Lily said with a hint of confusion. What could her brother have written that night? Why would he write something to her?

“Okay,” Remus said as he dug the folded piece of paper out of his backpack. He handed it to Lily and let her read in silence.

Lily,

I don’t know how tonight is going to go, but if you got this then that either means I didn’t make it or that I decided to show this to you. Lil’s, I love you and you have been my best friend and my sister since we first met. You are the most important person in my life  ~~ and I don’t know if I’m ever going to see you again ~~ and if anyone deserves an explanation, it’s you.

His name is Fenrir Greyback and he tricked me into giving him my Scout’s honour about keeping our ‘friendship’ a secret. I was 9, I think you remember. He said it was because people would get the wrong idea but that was some  ~~ bullshit ~~ (I shouldn’t swear if this is that last you hear from me) crap. He started raping me and abusing me two months before I turned 10. It’s been happening so long and I didn’t know it was wrong until they told us about it in grade six. He’s a  ~~ fucked up ~~ wicked man and tonight is the last night he will touch me because I’m not joining scouts next year.

I’m sitting in the meeting writing this because you’re my sister and best friend and you need to know that you are the reason I kept holding on. Don’t think you could have done anything better, you did everything perfectly. Tonight is the last night he will touch me but I don’t know if that’s because I’ll tell the authorities or because he killed me to keep me quiet. Lily, I love you so fucking much. I love you so much and you kept me going. Thank you for keeping me sane and keeping me as safe as you could. I need to give this letter two endings. You’ll probably read them both because you are, well, you are Lily.

If I die: Don’t blame yourself. You did everything you could and you did everything perfectly. Find someone who loves you and name a child after me. I mean, come on, naming your child ‘Remus’ would guarantee that child an awesome future. Don’t call them a ‘fucking idiot’ though, that’s not my real name despite how much you call me that. Tell Grams and Gramps I love them. I want to end this lovingly and everything, but I guess I don’t know how to end this if I actually die. I guess I’ll just give you the best piece of advice from one of our favourite books. Newt told Minho to give everyone a pep talk and he did. In the wise words of Minho, ‘Be careful, don’t die.’ I love you Lil’s, live life for the both of us.

If I live: From the words of Madison from American Horror Story, ‘Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you saw the last of me.’ I’m sorry for putting you through so much over the years, but thank you for being with me and helping me. You are my lifeline and I can’t thank you enough. Thank you for keeping your pinky promise. I love you.

Thank you for all you have done, Lily. I hope you will always remember the times we shared and the joy we shared. Thanks for getting into books for me, thank you for taking care of me and thank you for always being by my side. You made everything bearable. Thank you, my sister. I’m sitting in this meeting finishing up this letter and I’m scared. I’m so, so scared but I need you to know how much I love you. You were the best sister I could have ever imagined. You’re the best and you are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world.

Love from your brother,

Remus John Lupin.

Lily gently placed the letter back on the bed and turned to look at her brother. He thought he was going to die so he wrote her a letter to say goodbye… He knew before that night that he might not live but didn’t want to scare her. She pulled him into a hug but didn’t say anything. After a couple of minutes, the two separated and Lily gave Remus a nod, letting him know she was ready to listen.

“So,” Remus began. “I’m not really sure to begin. I’ve imagined telling you since we were 11 and now that I’m doing it, I’m really nervous. I just, the man was awful, Lily. He abused me for years and I didn’t realize until we had the sexual education class that I was being abused and raped. I didn’t know there was a name for what was happening because Greyback made it sound like it was normal. You were the reason I was holding on for so long and so tightly. I held on for you and I just couldn’t imagine you going through your first year of high school without me.” Remus took a moment to clear his throat before grabbing his sister’s hand and continuing. “I know I said it in the letter, but I really don’t want you blaming yourself for anything. Not for not figuring out sooner, not for not pushing me to talk, not for anything. Lily, you were my lifeline and without you, I would have lost everything so long ago. Greyback is an awful man and I wouldn’t have put it past him to have actually made everything worse if someone had found out. I don’t really know what else to say. You know pretty much everything from the letter and I mean you now know the real reasons behind all of the cuts and injuries I got over the years. You helped me through everything and I just couldn’t have done it without you. You can ask whatever questions you want now.”

Both Lily and Remus had tears falling down their faces. Lily pulled Remus in for another hug and sobbed into his shoulder. Remus continued to hold her until she pulled back and wiped her tears. Lily had held Remus over the many times he had cried over the past couple of years, Remus knew it was his turn to hold her. Remus wiped his tears away as Lily began to ask her questions.

“You thought you were going to die?”

“I did.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me if you were going to be coming over that night?”

“I didn’t want to say I was and then end up dead and have you terrified as the hours passed by and I never showed up.”

“You still had me worrying as the hours went by… You almost died!”

“I know,” Remus whispered. “The only reason I didn’t is because Greyback wanted me to die alone. That’s the only reason I was able to make it home.”

“That’s the thing that has been bothering me,” Lily said with a shake of her head. “How did you make it not only just back home, but into my room? You shouldn’t have been able to do that with the amount of damage you had. How did you do it?”

“You.”

“What?” Lily asked quietly, her eyes growing wide.

“I thought of you,” Remus explained. “I told you, you were my lifeline. I tried to distract myself by thinking about books because that’s what I would always do. But that night I just kept thinking of you. I remember thinking that I needed to go home, I needed to see Lily. I needed to see you and tell you I love you once more and tell you that you’ll be okay. I held on until I got home. I sat down on my bed and I knew that if I just laid down then it would all be over and I wouldn’t have to go through life anymore. I remember thinking that I always put you first and that maybe that night I could put myself first. As soon as I thought that, I crawled into your room. I couldn’t leave you, I needed you and I couldn’t let you enter high school by yourself.”

“Rem,” Lily cried, pulling him in for another hug. “I thought I was going to lose you when I saw you. I’m so glad you thought of me and pushed to get home. I’m not ready to lose you anytime soon. I need you for a lot longer.”

“I know,” Remus muttered as he returned Lily’s hug. “I knew you weren’t ready to lose me yet. You need me for a little while longer.”

“I would have been so mad at you if you made it home and gave up then.”

“I know. I remember thinking that as well. You would have brought me back to life just to kill me again.”

“I would have,” Lily laughed with a teary smile. “One more question, what do you mean by you would always think about books to distract yourself?” 

Remus grew silent as the question hung in the air. Remus knew that Lily wouldn’t judge him, Lily knew that Remus would do what he had to do to keep sane. But was he ready to tell her this part of the story? She obviously knew that he was raped, but if he told her this, then she would have to think about Remus actually being raped, not just that fact that he was raped. 

“Rem?” Lily asked. “You don’t have to answer, you know I won’t push you.”

“I’m… thinking.” That’s all Remus could get out at the moment. 

Remus would think about books when Greyback was abusing him because he wanted to escape his reality. Remus wanted to be in a different reality than his own so he would think of books. If he explained this to Lily, she would know the whole truth of why he started reading. He hated his reality and needed a different one. Would Lily be okay with hearing that? He felt himself slowly lie down on the bed and curl into Lily’s side. Would Lily be okay after she realized why he dove into books? She would still love him, but would she allow him to still read books for days on end?

“You know the summer that I read all day and all night?”

“Of course.”

“And you remember how I told you the reason was because I was tired of my own life and it helped me escape?”

“Oh, Rem...”

“It wasn’t just that I was tired of my life. I needed to escape the nightmares and the reality I was living in. For the past five years, it was like I was living in a constant nightmare. I needed to leave this world so I would read all the time. I needed to be free of being me for a couple of hours. I would read and I would pretend I was one of the characters that were there but weren’t written into the story. I needed books to escape. When Scouts would start back up, I would think about books and the stories. While Greyback was raping and hurting me, I would try to think of the books I read. There was nothing I could do in those moments so I would try to think of the places I felt like I had been before that wasn’t the forest. I would just imagine that I wasn’t me at that moment. I tried to separate my body and my mind. It didn’t work very well, but it was the only thing I felt like I could do.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you...”

“You did help me, Lil’s. You kept me going and you didn’t try to stop me from reading so much like everyone else did.”

“Do you only read when you feel like you need to escape?”

“No,” Remus laughed. “I somehow found a love for reading through it. I’ll still read if I need a break from being me but I also read if I just feel like reading. Why?”

“Because I need to know if I need to get some hot chocolate for you whenever I see you reading. Hot chocolate seems to help when either of us are down.”

“Chocolate heals the inside wounds! Don’t judge me for that!”

“I’m not judging, you passed that belief onto me anyways!”

“So you aren’t going to drag me away whenever you see me reading?”

“Of course not,” Lily said, pulling Remus tighter into her side. “You just let me know if you need something. I’m your big sister, I have to help in any way I can.”

“You’re not even two months older than me!”

“I’m still older though.”

“I know, I can see it in all of your wrinkles.”

“Remus!”

**September**   
  
  


September 6

“First day of high school!” Lily shouted as she saw Remus leave his front door. Running up to him, she linked their arms before walking in the direction of their new school.

“I know, you’ve been counting down since last year,” Remus said with a roll of his eyes.

“It’s exciting! Oh man, I’m so excited!”

“I just hope we have most of our classes together if not all of them.”

“Oh...” Lily said with a frown. “I didn’t even think of that part! I mean, we should have at least a couple together, right?”

“I sure hope so.”

“You know,” Lily started, “you didn’t answer my question the other day.”

“Which question? You ask a lot of questions.”

“When we were at the park with Severus. I asked if you think things will change between the three of us while we are in high school.”

“Oh,” Remus sighed. He was pretty sure things were going to change. Remus had seen a shift in Severus over the summer. He seemed to be more interested in the stories of possible Death Eater crimes and not in the way that he wanted to stop them. Severus almost seemed to act like he wished he was doing what they did. Lily hadn’t seen it, but Remus had. Remus knew Severus was interested in the Death Eaters, but Lily seemed to believe that Severus having a bad side was impossible. Remus knew better than to plant that thought in her head at this time. “I think that things will change. High school is a big time of change and finding out who we are. I think it would be slightly foolish to think that things were going to stay the same.”

“You sound so negative...”

“I’m not wrong though, am I?”

“No,” Lily sighed. “Things will probably change. What are we supposed to do with the change?”

“When life changes we just have to deal with it and go with the flow. Life changes and we just have to adjust to what it gives us. Change is essential for growth.”

“You’re a smart one, Remus Lupin.”

“I know, yet somehow you are always surprised when I say something smart or wise.”

Remus was trying the best he could to stay positive. He was trying so hard but he wasn’t doing good. People tell you that if you just think positively then things will work out. That wasn’t the truth though. Remus could feel himself slipping. He could feel himself slowly slipping lower and lower. He found himself constantly thinking and wondering why he didn’t just give up. Why didn’t he just give up when he almost died? It would have been so, so much easier. All Remus was holding onto was getting Lily through the first year of high school. Would he give up at the end of the year? Remus didn’t know yet. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to give up, but all he knew was that he was so tired of being himself and living the life he had. 

Remus didn’t necessarily want to die, he just wanted the pain to be over. He wanted his emotional pain to be over as well as the lack of pain he felt. Remus didn’t understand what he was feeling and he didn’t know how to communicate it. He was sad but also not sad. He felt tired but he also felt like he couldn’t sleep. Remus loved reading, but he found it so difficult to pick up a book and read. Was this the depression the nurses talked to him about? The disorder that he needed to be careful of? They told him that if he let it control him that he would eventually lose himself to it. But over the past couple of weeks, the thought became more and more appealing to Remus. The idea that he would lose himself in a disorder and potentially just give up? It appealed to Remus more than he knew it should. If he told anyone then they would lock him up or put him on medications but Remus didn’t want that. For now, Remus would do it on his own. He didn’t know what he was going to do yet, but he would do it on his own.

September 21

Remus and Lily were sitting in the front office of the school while waiting to talk to the vice-principal. Two police officers had come to the school to ask Remus some questions about Greyback and give him information about what legal actions were taking place and Lily had asked to walk with him to the office. Because Greyback had admitted on tape to being a part of The Death Eaters, it was a bigger court matter which meant they needed more time before court would be called. After Remus had talked to the officers, he was told that the vice-principal wanted to speak to him. He and Lily had also seeked her out to ask her some questions and it seemed that today worked perfectly for both meetings.

“Mr Lupin and Ms Evans?” Mrs Pomfrey, the secretary and school nurse, called. “Mrs McGonagall is ready for you two. If you will follow me I will show you her office.”

The two teens stood and followed the lady down the hallway behind the front desk. As they walked, they passed the nurses station, the principal’s office, the staff room and the staff washroom. At the very end of the hallway, there was a door that was partly open. Knocking on the door, Mrs Pomfrey called in.

“Minerva? Mr Lupin and Ms Evans are here.”

“Come in,” a strict but soft voice called out.

Remus and Lily exchanged a quick look before thanking the secretary and walking into the vice principal’s office.

The office could be described as home-y. There was a desk at the far wall where the vice principal was seated behind and two chairs were in front of the desk. On the left side of the room, there was a giant window overlooking the schoolyard with two armchairs and a tall coffee table between them. Along the entire back and left wall were bookcases filled with books, photos and small potted plants. There was a tiny cart on the right side of the room with a kettle, some mugs, and some boxes that the teens assumed to be filled with tea.

Remus and Lily sat down in the two seats in front of the desk and greeted their vice principal.

“Good morning, Mrs McGonagall,” the teens said at the same time.

“Good morning you two,” the lady said with a small smile. “How are you both doing today?”

“I am alright,” Remus replied.

“I am good,” Lily said at the same time.

“How are you?” The two teens asked at the same time.

“I am doing well. Now, I was told that you two asked to see me?”

Remus and Lily exchanged a look and seemed to communicate silently. Noticing this, McGonagall smiled to herself. 

McGonagall had seen the two teens on the first day of school and was immediately entertained by the two. On the first day of school, Mrs McGonagall talks to the freshman in the theatre hall during the first period. Ever since she first became vice-principal, she had taken the role of greeting the freshman and going through the rules and guidelines of the school on the first day. She also always makes sure to extend a hand of help and care to everyone during her speech. She would say that if any of them needed help or needed to talk, her door was open. When she saw Remus and Lily walk in together talking, she was surprised. She had been given a report on every new freshman from their previous homeroom teacher and she made it a priority to read them. The reason she was surprised was that Remus’ previous teacher had said he stopped talking when he was 13. Something had happened in the summer she supposed that caused him to start talking. She wasn’t going to dig, but she was curious.

The reason McGonagall was so entertained when she saw the two teens was because of how they acted. Most freshmen are too scared to sit in the front row of an assembly, but Remus and Lily boldly made their way to the front of the hall and sat beside each other. They laughed and talked until she started her speech. McGonagall had seen many freshmen classes by now and she was used to having to remind the students to listen and be quiet multiple times during her speech. The teens she would have to remind usually ended up being the ones who caught her attention on the first day, so she was fully expecting to reprimand the two teens in the front. She was surprised, however, to find that the two teens stayed completely quiet and respectfully listened to her the entire time. The only time they talked to each other during the speech was when McGonagall asked the students to look around and look at their fellow classmates. She watched the two kids during the speech out of the corner of her eye and she watched as they turned to each other and whispered a quiet ‘hi’ to each other. From that moment on, Minerva McGonagall knew that if those two kids ever spoke to her that they would very quickly become her favourite.

“Well,” Lily began. “On the first day of school, you said that if anyone had questions, problems or just needed to talk that they could come to you.”

“Correct,” McGonagall said. She didn’t know what the two teens in front of her were going to ask, but she couldn’t deny how curious she was about them. She watched as Lily looked at Remus and nodded. At the encouragement of her nod, Remus spoke.

“We have a question for you,” Remus said. “Well, more I have a question and Lily just wants to know the answer as well.”

“Okay,” McGonagall replied. “What is your question?”

“Does it get better or easier?”

“Does what get better or easier?”

“Life,” Remus responded. “Does life get better or easier than it is now?”

McGonagall paused at the question of the two teens in front of her. They were both only 14. They were so young to be asking one of the hardest questions. She looked between the two teens and studied them. Something had caused Remus to want to know the answer and it must have been something bad to ask at 14 if life would get better. There was something in Remus’ eyes. Maybe it was hope or maybe it was fear of the answer? It could be both fear and hope. Lily had something else in her eyes and McGonagall would call it concern. She could see how Lily looked protective of Remus even when they were sitting in a private office. Something happened that made Lily feel like she needed to protect Remus even in a safe and isolated space. 

“I think we need some tea for this conversation,” McGonagall said, standing and walking towards her tea cart. “Do you both drink tea? May I offer you some?”

“I’ve never had tea,” Remus admitted almost sheepishly. “I wouldn’t mind trying some though if that is okay?”

“Me neither,” Lily agreed.

“Well,” McGonagall said with a smile to the kids. “I believe that tea is medicine for the soul. Are either of you opposed to sugar, milk, or caffeine?” When both teens shook their heads, McGonagall started pouring the boiled water into the three cups. “I will prepare your tea how I make mine. I prefer Earl Grey, it is a nice black tea and I like it with one sugar and a splash of milk.” McGonagall continued to talk about her tea preferences and watched the two teens slowly relax into their chairs. As she finished making the tea, she placed them on the desk and pulled out a tin of cookies. “Help yourself to the cookies. They are chocolate chip cookies.”

The room sat in silence for a couple of minutes while the two teens tried their tea. After both teens gave the vice principal a nod of approval with the tea and cookies, she began to speak.

“Now, about that question you asked me,” she started. “Does life get better or easier? That is a hard question to ask let alone a hard question to answer. Mr Lupin, may I ask you a question about your asking of the question?”

“Of course, ma’am. And please, call Lily and me by our first names if that’s okay?”

“Of course, Remus,” McGonagall said with a small smile. “The question you asked, did you just randomly think of it and want an answer or have you struggled with the question for a while?”

“I have struggled with it for a while. Does that change your answer?”

“It does, believe it or not.” McGonagall took a sip and looked out the window for a moment. She loved the view she had out of her window. There was a garden and many trees that made the office feel like a cottage sometimes. “If you had just thought about it, then that means you have an okay view on life. If it is just a random question that popped into your head one day, then maybe you are just curious about life and growing older. If that was the case then I would say that life has its ups and downs. Life goes up and then it goes down. Life will get better and in some places, it will get easier as time passes but some things may get harder as life goes on. Making decisions usually tend to get easier as you gain experience in life but having to cut people out of your life will be harder the more time you spend with them. Does that make sense?”

“It does,” Remus responded. “So how would you answer the question knowing that I have struggled with the question?”

“That is the hard part, unfortunately,” McGonagall said with a sad smile. “Now, before I continue, I need you to understand something. I am not going to pretend that I know what has caused you to ask this question, but it may sound like I am assuming. Please do not feel like you need to tell me what happened or what is happening. If you ever want to talk then I will happily listen, but please don’t feel like you must share with me. Okay?” When she received a nod from Remus, she continued. “I’m assuming that something has or is happening that has caused you to debate this question. Something happened that may have made life feel awful, exhausting, hopeless, etc. If something traumatic or something big happens to someone, they start to question life and start questioning their own life. This is an unfortunate place because no matter what I say if you aren’t ready to accept it then you won’t. I truly believe that life does get easier and better from when someone hits rock bottom. I’m not going to assume that you have hit rock bottom, but I’m going to give you the answer I would tell someone who has hit rock bottom. When someone hits rock bottom, it’s like something you’d never wish on anyone to experience. Joy seems nonexistent, getting up seems almost impossible, and it feels like there is no hope for it to get better. But the thing is, Remus, life does get better and life does get easier. Slowly and sometimes it feels like you start over too many times for life to be worth it, you will get out of rock bottom. Life will get better and it will get better over time.” McGonagall looked at the two teens in front of her. They both seemed to be listening intently to every word and holding onto it in a tight grip. “There is one other thing, however. Life will not get easier or better if you are not willing to fight for it to get easier or better. Sometimes you need to lean on others around you to fight for you, but if you give up fighting then life won’t get better or easier.”

The room became quiet as McGonagall let her two students think about her words. She watched them intently from the corner of her eye as she looked out the window. She knew that there were times that children needed to let the words they heard sink and she recognized this as one of those times. She found herself thinking about the two children in front of her and wondering about their lives. She was never able to have children, but she couldn’t help but wish to take Remus and Lily under her wing. She already had a deep care for them and she had only been talking to them for less than half an hour.

The distant sound of the bell ringing made the two teens jump, leaving McGonagall trying to stifle her laugh.

“Thank you for letting us come by to talk and for the tea and cookies, Mrs McGonagall,” Lily said as she stood up from her chair.

“Mrs McGonagall?” Remus asked quietly.

“Yes, Remus?”

“Do you have a free moment this week for me to stop by again? If you don’t that is totally fine.”

“I would love for you to stop by again,” McGonagall said with a smile. As she looked through her schedule, she checked with Remus’ as well before offering a time. “How about Thursday at 1:15? Both of our schedules look clear so unless something comes up, would that work for you? Your Thursday class at that time is a review period for math.”

“It would,” Remus said with a smile. “Thank you, Mrs McGonagall.”

The vice-principal gave the two teens a polite smile and nod as they turned and walked into the hall.

“So,” Lily said as she and Remus walked out of the school to head home. “Are you going to tell me about asking Mrs McGonagall about meeting with her again this week?”

“I want to tell her about Greyback.”

“Are you serious?” Lily exclaimed, stopping in her tracks. She looked at her best friend with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset-”

“Remus!” Lily yelled as she slapped his arm before linking their arms again and continuing walking. “I’m not upset, you have the right to tell anyone you want. I was just surprised, I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”

“Oh, that makes more sense.”

“May I ask why you want to tell her?”

“I just, I don’t even know. This isn’t something I want many or really anyone to know about. I just feel like she would listen and give that motherly advice… Does that make sense or do I just sound crazy? Please tell me if I sound crazy.”

“No, I understand,” Lily said with a laugh. “I feel the same way about her. I really like her and we’ve only talked to her once.”

“Also, what the fuck did she do to that tea? It was so good!”

“I was thinking the same idea! Well, minus the swear because I’m a good Christian girl.”

“Okay, first of all,” Remus said with a laugh. “You call me a ‘fucking idiot’ at least three times a week. Second of all, you aren’t a Christian?”

“How do you know I’m not a Christian?”

“Because I literally know everything about you!”

“You do not! I have my secrets!”

“No, you really don’t, Lil’s. Sorry to break it to you, but I know everything about you.”

“Tell me something you know about me that I have never told you then!”

“You get your period on the third week of every month, you prefer white chocolate when you are on your period, you have a rotation for which colour you’ll paint your nails and there are three different rotations that you will rotate through-”

“Okay okay! Stop it you creepy stalker!”

“You’re the one that started this!”

“You’re creepily observant, you know that right?” Lily asked as she stopped between her and Remus’ houses.

“I know. It’s in your best interest though. Have you not realized that I magically have your feminine hygiene products whenever you’re on your period?”

“Ohhhh,” Lily said, eyes growing wide in realization. “That makes so much more sense!”

Remus rolled his eyes in reply and turned to go into his house.

“Come over if you need anything. I’m just next door,” he said.

“Same goes for you, love!”

September 23

Remus knocked on Mrs McGonagall’s door and waited for her reply before walking in.

“Good morning, Remus,” McGonagall said from beside the tea cart. “Would you like some tea?”

“That would be lovely. The same as last time would be great, thank you.”

“Of course, my dear! I thought we could sit by the window this time. It will feel a lot less like an interview. The cookies are already on the coffee table, please help yourself.”

Remus sat down on one of the chairs and started chewing a cookie. He felt comfortable and welcomed in McGonagall’s office. He looked out the window and was immediately drawn to the garden. It was full of colourful flowers and looked almost magical. He stayed staring out the window until he saw the vice principal in the corner of his eye placing the cups of tea on the table.

“You have a lovely view from here,” Remus said.

“I do, I fall in love with it over and over again every time I look out the window.”

McGonagall and Remus sat in the silence as they looked out the window. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, it was the complete opposite. The silence wasn’t one that Remus was used to, he was used to feeling suffocated in the silence with anyone but Lily. It was odd, but he enjoyed it. The presence of McGonagall made him feel safe and he rarely felt that safety so he embraced it for as long as he could. They sat beside each other drinking their tea until McGonagall broke the silence.

“Have you ever played the board game sequence?”

“I’ve seen people play it, but I have never played it.”

“Would you like to play while we talk? I have the game here in my office.”

“That would be lovely, thank you.”

Remus watched as McGonagall set the game up and quickly went through the rules. After a couple of minutes of playing, Remus broke the silence.

“Lily is the only person I have told about what has happened.”

“You two seem very close,” McGonagall replied. She was not going to ask questions yet. If the teen wanted to tell her, he would go at his own pace. The two continued to play the game while they talked. Maybe it did feel less like an interview this way, Remus seemed almost relaxed as he spoke about the horrors he went through.

“We are,” he said with a smile. “She’s like my sister. She’s the only reason I held on so long.”

“I can see you two have a very close friendship. That friendship you have is rare, but it’s one no one should let go of when they find it.”

“I don’t plan to let her go anytime soon. She’s the best thing I have in life right now.” Remus put down his cards, took a sip of his tea, and picked his cards back up before continuing speaking. “Have you heard of the club Scouts?”

“I have.”

“There was a leader there, his name was Fenrir Greyback. I started Scouts in grade three and he manipulated me into thinking we were friends. I was a foolish kid, but I couldn’t have helped it. At the time I was only eight and two months before I turned 10 he started abusing and raping me.” Remus briefly looked up to his vice principal, praying he would see disgust in her eyes. He didn’t, there was concern and love? Remus was good at picking out emotions but he was questioning himself when he saw love in her eyes, maybe he was out of practice? It didn’t matter at the moment. Looking down at his cards and playing his next move, Remus continued speaking. “He would rape me every Thursday after Scouts and he told me that if I told anyone then he would make it worse. I didn’t know how he could make it worse, but I believed him then and even now I believe he would have stuck to his word and somehow made things worse. Every time I would try to tell my parents, they would shut me down because they didn’t want to hear about Scouts and whenever I would tell Greyback to stop, he wouldn’t listen. I’m sure you received the message from my previous school that I stopped talking when I was 13, correct?”

“That is correct. I was taken back when I saw and heard you speak to Lily before my speech on the first day.”

Remus nodded his head in acknowledgement to his teacher before continuing.

“On the last night of Scouts, he told me that he knew I wasn’t coming back. After he raped me, he beat me up pretty bad. He broke four of my ribs and one of the ribs punctured my lung. It was really bad and he left me alone in the forest to die because he knew that one of my worst nightmares would be dying alone.”

“But you didn’t die,” McGonagall said as Remus stopped talking to stare out the window.

“I did not, you’re right. I wanted to die but there was one thing that I needed to do.” Remus made eye contact with McGonagall and gave her a small smile before continuing. “I realized that I needed to see Lily. I needed to be with Lily and tell her that I love her one more time and that she could not blame herself. Somehow I walked home with a punctured lung and internal bleeding. Lily and her dad drove me to the hospital and after a long surgery and a long recovery time, I sit before you beat you in the second game of sequence.”

“You may have beaten me this time, but I’ll beat you on the next round,” McGonagall said as she reshuffled the cards and reset the board, giving the boy beside her a smile. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that, but I know that doesn’t help. You are a strong boy, Remus. I knew that the moment I saw you and Lily walk to the front of the hall on the first day of school.”

“How do you know that I’m strong?” Remus asked. He knew the conversation was going to take a turn from his story to a deep conversation, but he couldn’t help himself. McGonagall gave off an air of motherly love and wise advice.

“Not many people can go through anything close to what you did without losing themself.”

“How do you know I haven’t lost myself yet?”

McGonagall paused for just a moment before continuing her turn in the game. Remus had said ‘yet’ and maybe he didn’t mean to let it slip but he did. She took a moment to gather her thoughts before answering her question.

“Because you are still here, Remus. You are still living. Not only are you living physically, but you are living mentally.”

“Is there hope? Is it going to get better?”

McGonagall felt her heartbreak at the words of her student. He was slowly losing himself and they both knew it. He was breaking and was fighting his desire to not be here. He was losing himself in the process of his soul and being breaking into pieces. Was he going to fully lose himself in the pieces of himself that were slowly breaking off and drowning him? Neither of them knew, but they wanted to believe and hope that he wouldn’t.

“If you keep fighting then it will get better. If you decide to stop fighting then the answer will change.”

“The fighting is hard.”

“I know,” McGonagall said with a sad smile, trying to fight back the tears that wanted to fall at the words of the young boy in front of her. “The fighting is hard. It’s exhausting and tiring. But if you need people to hold you up and keep you from drowning, you have at least two people.”

“Two?” Remus questioned. “Who do I have?”

With a small smile, McGonagall passed him a piece of paper with a number and an address before answering him.

“You have Lily and you have me. If you need either of us, you have our numbers and our addresses. You aren’t alone, my dear.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains self-harm and suicide.

**November**

Remus and Lily were sitting in The Order. The weather was slowly getting colder but it was okay because they loved being able to curl up under blankets and read a book or watch a movie. They sat on the couch in the coffee shop sipping on their coffee while waiting for closing time. Grams and Gramps had asked them when they arrived if they could hang around until closing time so that they could all talk. Remus and Lily didn’t think too much of it as the coffee shop was busy that day. They sat and talked until they saw the last customer leave. Once the front door was locked, Grams and Gramps took their places in the armchairs and started the conversation.

“How have you two been finding the course load?” Gramps asked kindly, passing the kids some cookies.

“It’s not too bad,” Remus replied. It was true, the only difficult part was when all of their classes would assign homework on the same night. Even then Remus and Lily would work on it together so it didn’t take as long.

“So far everything seems pretty easy,” Lily said.

“That’s good,” Grams said with a smile. “Gramps and I have a question for the two of you. You can take some time to think about it, don’t feel like you have to answer us right this minute.”

This caught Remus’ and Lily’s attention. Usually, when their Grams and Gramps asked questions, they gave no warning. Putting their cups down, they turned their attention to their Grandparents and gave them a nod to continue.

“Grams and I would like to offer you both a job here. It would be part-time, of course. During summer or winter breaks if you want more hours then we can work that out but we wanted to know what you both think?”

Remus and Lily stared at their grandparents in confusion and surprise. They were never expecting to have a job at The Order, but as they thought about it they realized how much they secretly wanted to work there. The two shared a look before their faces broke out into giant smiles and they nodded their heads at their grandparents.

“We would love to,” they both said at the same time.

“Oh, lovely!” Grams exclaimed, pulling some papers out of her purse. “I had already printed off the papers and everything just in case,” she said, giving them a wink. “Now, let’s figure out what works for now for work. What do your schedules look like? We know you both would prefer to start learning together so we will make that work.”

“Well,” Lily started. “Neither of us have extracurricular activities this year so most weeknights are free for us.”

“Weekends are also mostly free,” Remus added.

“Well that makes it easy then,” Gramps said with a laugh. “How about we start you both on Monday and Wednesday evenings? We are open until 7:00 pm, so you can work three hours after school and that will leave you both with time in the evening to finish any homework you both have.”

“And weekends we can alternate days if you would like? If you have something planned on Saturdays then we can schedule you for a couple of hours on Friday or Sunday? Gramps and I aren’t in extreme need of help yet but an extra hand or two wouldn’t hurt us.”

Remus and Lily both gave a nod and a small ‘that sounds good’ each.

“Also,” Gramps added. “If one of you or the two of you need a break or need a weekend off, you just let us know. We don’t want to overwork either of you.”

“Thank you so much,” Remus said with a smile. It would be nice to have some work, he was honestly excited about learning how to make the drinks and treats that The Order made.

“Yes,” Lily added. “We really appreciate it.”

“We will appreciate the help, so thank you!”

As the month went on, Remus and Lily started working at The Order and ended up loving the job more than they thought they ever would. Remus loved learning how to make latte art and learned different techniques from Grams. Lily loved learning how to bake the treats they had in the display case and enjoyed interacting with the customers. By the end of the month, Grams and Gramps were able to sit down at one of the tables for most of the shift as Lily and Remus worked behind the counter as an unstoppable duo.

**December**

December 15

Remus was exhausted as he walked home from his shift with Lily. As he climbed the stairs to his room, he allowed the thoughts he had been putting off flood his brain.

_ I should have died six months ago… It would have been so much easier. _

_ I understand why Newt tried to commit suicide when it seems like life won’t get better. _

_ I don’t want to fight anymore. _

Remus laid down on his bed after locking his window and closing his blinds. The truth was, these thoughts hadn’t started today. Remus had been having these thoughts over the past month and they slowly became more real to him. He didn’t feel in control anymore, it seemed like his life was just throwing everything it possibly could at him. It exhausted Remus and he was so, so tired. He wanted to feel in control again.

After Remus changed into shorts and a shirt, he rolled up his shorts to see the marks on his thighs. There were small bruises littered across his pale skin that were created by the pinches from his fingers over the past week. Remus knew that he couldn’t cut himself because Lily would notice. He did, however, know that he could pinch himself and gain the same release as he would by cutting himself. This was the only thing that caused Remus to feel in control of himself and it became a habit.

Remus closed his eyes and let his mind wander.

_ The fight isn’t worth it anymore. _

Pinch.

_ I can’t feel anything and I’m so tired. _

Pinch.

_ Escaping the fictional worlds isn’t helping anymore. _

Pinch.

_ I don’t want to be here anymore. _

Pinch.

Remus continued allowing this mind to wander as his fingers created little marks all over his skin. He didn’t care, but he knew he couldn’t give up now. He couldn’t give up yet because he needed to be with Lily until the end of their freshmen year. Once freshmen year was coming to a close, then he could fully give up and stop the fight once and for all. He needed to hold on just a little longer and until then he would continue to inflict himself with bruises to feel some sort of way.

Every couple of weeks, Mrs McGonagall would invite Lily and Remus to her office for tea and cookies. Because they were freshmen, they had no spare periods so she had to spread out the visits. They enjoyed their visits and they became a lot more relaxed as the school year went on. Remus and Lily would occasionally bring McGonagall some baking when they were trying some new recipes for The Order, knowing that McGonagall’s opinion was one of the three opinions that matter (the other two being Grams and Gramps). It was a treasured time that the three loved.

**January**

It was five years since Remus first got raped and he felt like he was walking through a fog. Had it only been five years? Usually, people ask the opposite question with things in life, they ask ‘has it really been five years already?’ That was the question Remus was asking though. How was he only 14? To him, the past five years felt like it had been at least ten years. So much had happened and the years never seemed to ‘fly by,’ as many people would say. Each day seemed to pass like a week and each month felt like two. If everybody had the same amount of trials as everyone else and they just happened at different times, Remus believed that he had already used up all of the trials by the age of 14.

January 7 passed as slowly as every other day, however, it seemed much more painful. Remus looked at all of the smiling faces of students and teachers and he wondered if they were real smiles. Were they real or were they like the fake one Remus had on his face as he, Lily and Severus walked through the halls?

Remus had started debating about his life. He started to debate if he should give in and stop fighting or if he should keep fighting. He knew what Lily and Mrs McGonagall would say, they would say to keep fighting. Remus knew for a fact that they would say to keep fighting and to never stop fighting. But he didn’t feel the same way. It would be so easy to stop fighting and he wouldn’t have to deal with the nightmares or memories that plagued his mind every minute of the day. He wouldn’t have to drag Lily down anymore and Lily would be free to be a happy teenager with a depressed best friend.

As Remus debated, he kept a smile on his face. His smiles almost never reached his eyes, but the smile was on his face. He knew that Lily, McGonagall. Grams and Gramps saw through it, but they never questioned it. As long as he could keep the fake smile on his face, his family wasn’t too worried. Of course, they worried, but they didn’t think he would stop fighting.

He could hold on until the end of the school year, right? As long as he was beside Lily until the end of their freshmen year, he will have fulfilled what he needed to do. Once Lily was through the first year at the new school with new teachers then she would be confident in her school work again. Lily was only confident if she knew her teachers and she knew what they expected. Once this school year was over, Remus believed that he would be able to finally let go.

**March**

Remus was 15 now. As his age went up he noticed his desire to live went down. It was almost poetic, maybe if Remus had more of a desire to live and care then he would have made a poem out of it. His bruises get darker as his thoughts get darker and harder to manage. July wasn’t too far away, he could hold on until then.

Remus and Lily continued to work at The Order and they grew in their skills under the direction of their Grandparents. Remus was able to make multiple latte foam art images while Lily was able to bake more recipes (both original and ones found in books). Remus enjoyed the thoughtless work. He enjoyed (as much as he could) being able to turn his mind off and not think about the drinks he was making because he could make them automatically. It may not distract him from his spiralling thoughts, but it did distract him from self-harming.

**April**

“How are you both doing?” McGonagall greeted as she started pouring the hot water into the teacups.

“I’m doing good,” Lily says with a smile, sitting down on one of the chairs in front of McGonagall’s desk.

“I’m doing alright,” Remus said with a tiny smile as he sat down on the chair beside his sister. “How are you, Mrs McGonagall?”

“I am good as well,” she responded. 

After placing the teacups on the desk, McGonagall pulled out the Uno cards from her drawer and started shuffling the deck. They had gotten into a habit of playing a card game when Remus and Lily came for tea. They continued to chat but it gave Remus something to do with his hands. 

“How are your classes going? Finals start in a little while.”

“My classes are going pretty well,” Lily said. “I’m starting to get stressed for the finals but I’m excited for summer.” 

“And you, Remus?” McGonagall asked politely, noticing how Remus seemed slightly distant.

“Sorry,” Remus replied, shaking his head. “Classes are going well. I’m looking forward to the end of the school year, no offence.”

“None taken,” McGonagall said with a small smile. “Believe me, I too look forward to the school year being over. What are your plans for summer?”

“We will both be working full time at The Order,” Lily replied for the two of them. “How about yourself?”

“I plan to garden lots with my husband and read books on the patio.”

The conversation continued until the end of the period, Lily and McGonagall making up most of the conversation. Remus was mentally somewhere else and the two women in the room knew it. Instead of digging for him to tell them what was going on, they carried on the conversation and asked Remus his opinions every once in a while if he hadn’t said anything for a bit.

The reason why Remus was so distant was because he had pretty much made up his mind about whether to continue fighting or to stop. He was done and he was going to stop fighting, he just needed to wait for the right time. He knew that the last day of school was July 15 so he was planning on giving up that evening. Not only would Remus wait until school was done to give up, but he chose the day for two specific reasons. The first reason was that it was the one year anniversary of when he almost died. He didn’t want to have that day for the next however many years, so he would end it all on that day. The other reason was chance. People may think he was stupid for believing in it, but Remus believed that since he was supposed to die on July 15 of the previous year, if he tried to commit suicide on July 15 of this year that the odds would be in his favour. Almost dying on the same day and another time you almost died was rare so maybe that would mean it would work. He knew life didn’t work that way, but he hoped it would.

When McGonagall asked what their plans were for the summer, Remus had already known the answer but it was not appropriate to say. He couldn’t just say ‘my plans are to kill myself the day after school so hopefully I will be in the afterlife during the summer.’ If he said that then he would, without a doubt, be admitted to a hospital within the hour. So instead of correcting Lily, he nodded along and let the two women in the room believe he was going to work at The Order for the summer.

Remus was ready to stop fighting, he just needed to wait another three months. Just three more months and then he would be free.

**June**

June 17

It was a month until the end of school and a month until Remus was free. In exactly four weeks, or 28 days, Remus would be free. Remus had started the countdown and had started his plans. Remus had a shortlist of things he needed to do/prepare and he told himself that he wouldn’t start them earlier than a month before the day he would commit suicide and that day was today. He was worried about anyone finding out so he made the deadline for himself.

The plan was to overdose on his sleeping pills. Remus was given sleeping pills around two weeks after Greyback almost killed him and he planned to overdose on those. He would take them on his bed with his letters placed beside the pill bottle on his side table. 

Remus planned to write four letters. He would take a week to write one so that it was as perfect as it could be. The first one he would write would be to Grams and Gramps, the second letter would be written to Mrs McGonagall, the third was for Lily and the fourth was for whoever found him.

Remus was ready to stop fighting. He just needed to hold on for 28 more days. In 28 days, he would be free.

Until the 28 days were up, Remus would continue going to work, studying for finals, having tea with Mrs McGonagall and Lily and he would wear a fake smile. Just for 28 more days. He was ready to be free.

June 24

“Dear Grams and Gramps,

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do it anymore. Thank you for showing me the love every grandchild should feel in their life. Thank you for taking me in as family and loving on me so much. You both deserve all of the pleasures life has to offer. Thank you for inviting me to work at The Order. It was a staple in my life and one of my favourite things. Thank you for the skills you taught me both in life and in the cafe. I will miss making latte art next to you both, but I couldn’t hold on any longer.

I don’t know who said it, but one of my favourite quotes is: ‘A grandparent has silver in their hair and gold in their heart.’ You both show the truth in that statement and you both had a way of making me feel better when I needed it. Your hearts are ones made of pure gold and you don’t let life affect how you treat others. I love you both so, so much and I’m so thankful for the years I was able to spend with you both.

Please don’t blame yourselves for not seeing how I was honestly doing or for not finding a way to stop me. As awful as it is to write, there was nothing either of you could have done. I was done and I gave up. I’ll miss you both so much, but I know you will be okay.

If I may, I would like to ask a favour of you two. I know you won’t refuse, but it would sound harsh to just ask it of you even though it’s your job. Please, please look after Lily for me. She will need you both and I wish I could be there to protect her from life but I couldn’t. Give her a big hug for me, okay? I love you.

One of your grandchildren,

Remus John Lupin.”

In 21 days, Remus would be free. He was so close to being free, he just needed to hold on for three weeks. He had cleaned his room this week. He didn’t want anyone to have to clean it after he committed suicide. He wanted to leave with nothing left behind. He would obviously be leaving his family behind, but he didn’t want to leave a mess in his place. He didn’t have too long now. It was almost like he could take a deep breath now, he was that close. He was ready to be free.

Remus put the letter in an envelope, writing ‘Grams and Gramps’ on the front before tucking it in his bedside table drawer.

_ Just 21 more days, Remus. 21 more days and then you’re free. _

July 1

__

“Dear Mrs McGonagall,

I lost myself and I’m sorry. I couldn’t fight anymore and I didn’t want to fight anymore. I lost myself and I was too tired to care anymore. I’m sorry for lying about my plans for the summer, but I’ve known for a while that this was my plan. I tried to fight, I promise.

You may be surprised finding out that you were one of the few letters I wrote, but I’ll try to explain it to you. I have only known you for less than a year but you are one of the few people I care deeply about. You have had a giant impact on me and on my life. From the time we first talked, to you installing in me a love for tea and all the way until the ‘Spot it’ tournament you, Lily and I had, I have looked up to you. You took time out of your busy schedule to have tea with Lily and me and to talk to us. I am so thankful that Lily and I reached out to talk to you back in September. You changed parts of me I didn’t know needed to be changed. We were only two teenagers in a school of over 500 students and you took time to talk to us and mentor us (whether you knew you were mentoring us or not).

Thank you for taking me under your wing and showing me what motherly love looks and feels like. Your office was a place of safety for me and a place where I knew I wouldn’t be judged for what I’ve been through. Your presence in the office made the office not just a safe place, but a place where I felt loved. I treasure our times together and I will always be grateful for your care and affection. 

Maya Angelou puts it best in her book Letter to My Daughter. She says ‘a friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face.’ I counted you as a close friend and I even considered you as a part of my chosen family, Mrs McGonagall. You were there for me when I thought no adult would ever be and you never blamed me for bringing the abuse Greyback inflicted on me, you never said that I was the reason for the abuse. I care very deeply for you and I am going to miss our tea times and games.

If I may, I would like to ask a favour of you. Please keep an eye out for Lily while she is in high school. If you can, please continue to invite her for tea. Lily is my sister and she means the world to me. I wish I could have hung on for longer just for her, but I’ve held on tight to her for over five years. Please keep an eye out for her and make sure she follows her dreams after school.

I hope your summer is filled with reading many books on your patio with the flowers in full bloom surrounding you. Books are a lovely escape and I hope your summer is filled with peace and adventure.

Your student,

Remus John Lupin.”

__

Remus had 14 days until he was free. He just needed to hold on for a little while longer. He was wrapping up loose ends and he was ready for it all to be over. Tomorrow was his last shift at The Order because he asked for the next three weeks off. He was prepared to make his last latte art the next day and he was excited. Tomorrow would also be the last time he saw Grams and Gramps, so he promised himself that he would hug them a little tighter. Tuesday would be his last tea visit with Mrs McGonagall and he would make sure to give her an extra smile. Remus was ready to be free of life, but he was not ready to say goodbye to certain people. His lack of readiness wouldn’t stop him though. He knew if he waited until he was ready to say goodbye that the time would never come. Maybe that would be what his family would want, but Remus didn’t want that. He was ready to be free.

Remus put the letter in an envelope, writing ‘Mrs McGonagall’ on the front before tucking it in his bedside table drawer.

_ Just 14 more days, Remus. 14 more days and then you’re free. _

July 8

__

“Dear Lily,

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know a year ago that I would do this. I never lied to you when you would ask me if I planned on killing myself. Whenever you asked, I would always tell you the truth, I promise. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on any longer, I tried to fight. I tried to fight for so long and so hard. I’m sorry for leaving you, but I couldn’t do it any longer. I know that you are most likely so, so mad at me. I can’t blame you, I’m mad at myself. I tried to hold on, Lily. I tried so hard. It hurts to think that I won’t be by your side for when you graduate, go on your first date, get married, have kids, and so many more things.

I never thought I would have to write another letter to you like I wrote a year ago, but here I am. I am so thankful for all the times you’ve stood by me and helped me. You were the best friend I could have ever asked for and the best sister I could ever imagine. L.M. Montgomery puts it best when she wrote ‘True friends are always together in spirit.’ I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on any longer, but I will always be watching out for you the best I can.

If I could write everything I wanted to, I would never stop. That is probably what you would have wanted though, isn’t it? I have so much I want to say, so many memories I want to share with you, but I’d never have enough paper to do so. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Please don’t think I made this decision lightly, I tried so hard to fight just for you. I know you will think I’m selfish and if I’m being honest with myself, I know you are right. I was selfish for doing this to you and leaving you, but I got you through the first year of high school like I said I would. You’ll be okay, Lil’s. Don’t follow me, I don’t want to greet you into the afterlife before you are old and grey. Live life for me, Lily. Take some risks, kiss a boy and run away, dance the night away under the pouring rain. Where is fun without a bit of risk?

Don’t settle for just any person, Lily. Pick someone who makes an effort and who wants you for who you are. Don’t date someone you would be afraid to tell me because you knew I wouldn’t accept them. I only wish complete happiness and love for you and I don’t want you settling for anyone less. If they truly love you, they will go beyond your wildest dreams to make you happy. Date someone you would be proud to brag about to me.

Don’t blame yourself, Lily. I know you and I know that you will think you could have done something differently to make me stay, but the truth is, there was nothing you could have done. Don’t let this hold you back from having fun in life. Don’t feel guilty if you laugh or if you make a new friend. Don’t feel bad or guilty if you find another honourary brother in life. I will not be upset, I will be ecstatic for you. It does not do well to dwell on dreams as forget to live. Live life, Lily. Never stop chasing your dreams.

I need to wrap this up or I will never stop. I wish I could have held on longer and stayed by your side for longer. I miss you as I write this and it wasn’t easy to write this. I’ve said this a million times, but I’m sorry to leave you. I tried as hard as I could but in the end I couldn’t do it. You’ll be okay, my love. Your next stage in life is only beginning and I will be cheering you on from the finish line. Be brave, my love. Be brave and never stop fighting.

I love you until the end of time and until forever ends.

Your best friend and brother,

Remus John Lupin.”

_   
  
_

One week. Seven days. Remus was almost done. He had written to his chosen family and he had written the last words they will ever receive from him. Remus was ready to leave and he had written his goodbyes. Just seven days and then he would be free from the chords that tie him to life. Seven days. He was ready to be free.

Remus put the letter in an envelope, writing ‘Lily’ on the front before tucking it in his bedside table drawer.

_ Just seven more days, Remus. Seven more days and then you’re free. _

July 15

“To whoever finds me,

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t fight any longer. I’m done and I’ve been done for a while. Please do not blame yourself, there was nothing you could do.

With love,

Remus John Lupin.”

As Remus and Lily reached home, Remus gave Lily a hug before going into his house. As soon as he closed the front door behind him, the fake smile on his face left. Remus climbed up the stairs and closed his door behind him. He took a few minutes to tidy up the few things that littered his floor before sitting down on his bed.

_ This was it,  _ he thought.  _ The time has finally come and I can give up. _

Remus pulled his bottle of sleeping pills out of his side drawer as well as the letters. He read the names on the envelopes before gently placing them on his bedside table. As he counted the number of pills in his hand, he looked towards his window. Should he close it? Lily would be the only one who would come through it, but the chances of her crawling through within the next couple of hours were close to zero. After deciding against it, he pulled his water bottle from his backpack and took the lid off. 

It took three drinks of water to get the number of pills he had decided to take into his stomach. After the last sip, Remus put the lid back on the water bottle before putting it back into his bag. It would take about ten minutes for the pills to start kicking in so Remus laid down on his side and closed his eyes.

He was so close. He was almost free and he felt a breath of relief leave his lungs. He had tried fighting for so long and now he was finally able to give in. He kept his eyes closed and waited to see the light he could walk towards.

_ I’m so close, I’ve finally done it. _

_ Just a couple more minutes and I’ll be free. _

_ If there’s a God, please watch after Lily. Maybe even assigning a guardian angel would work. _

Remus felt himself slowly slipping from consciousness and it was a welcomed feeling. Remus had read in many books that people often felt scared when they were so close to death, but Remus didn’t relate. All he felt was peace as he welcomed the visions of his life flashing before his eyes. It was finally time.

_ “Come on, Remus!” A young Lily exclaimed as she ran towards the swings in the park. _

_ “Coming!” And equally young Remus shouted back, chasing after his friend. _

_ Remus and Lily were six-years-old and this was when their love for the swings began. Lily’s dad watched them from the bench with a smile on his face. The two kids did everything together and Lily’s Dad would take pictures of the two of them every chance he got. He had two scrapbooks in the making that he would give them on their high school graduation. _

_ “I can go higher than you!” Lily exclaimed as she pumped her legs as hard as she could. _

_ “Nuh-uh!” Remus exclaimed back at her. _

  
  


_ “Remus!” Lily yelled from her window. _

_ “Lily!” Remus yelled back. _

_ “Do you think we could crawl across the tree to get to each other’s windows?” _

_ “Hmmm,” Remus hummed in thought. “I don’t know! I’ll try first, I don’t want you to get hurt!” _

_ Lily stood back as she waited for her seven-year-old best friend to try to climb across the tree between their windows. Remus climbed onto his window seat before swinging his legs out of the window. He looked from the tree branch in front of him to the ground before making his decision to try to crawl across. Standing up on his window sill, he put his hands on the branches above his head before placing his feet on the branches that were level with his window. He moved his hand along the branches above his head and his feet along the branches at the level of the window. Slowly and carefully, Remus made his way between the two houses and crawled into Lily’s bedroom. _

_ “It works!” Remus exclaimed! _

_ “That seems so much easier than having to walk all the way down the stairs and then to the front doors and then all the way up the stairs to get to the other person’s room!” _

_ “It is! It’ll be so much easier!” _

_ The two kids turned towards Lily’s bedroom door to see Mr Evans standing there with a camera. _

_ “Remus, did you just climb across the tree to get into Lily’s room?” _

_ “I sure did!” Remus replied with a giant smile, Lily wearing an identical one. _

_ “As long as you don’t fall than good job!” Mr Evans said with a laugh. “How about I put a strong piece of wood in each of your rooms that you can put between the windows in case you aren’t feeling well so you don’t fall?” Mr Evans already knew that they would never go to each other’s front door from now on, so he might as well provide an option that will be a bit safer just in case. _

_ “That sounds like a perfect idea!” The two kids yelled as they jumped up and down in excitement. _

  
  


_ Lily and Remus sat and stared at the black TV screen in silence. _

_ “Lily?” _

_ “Remus?” _

_ “Did we seriously just spend 10 fucking hours watching the Twilight movies back-to-back only to find out that they left the best parts of the books out and made an embarrassment of one of the best book series ever made?” _

_ “We did.” _

_ “I hate my entire fucking life.” _

_ “No, you don’t!” _

_ “I know… but I was so pumped for this and it was an utter disappointment!” _

_ “Are you going to be okay?” Lily said, trying to stifle her laugh. _

_ “Lily! This is a serious matter!” Remus exclaimed, pushing his best friend over. _

_ “I know, I know,” Lily said through her laughter. “I’m sorry but you’re just so mad!” _

_ “Why aren’t you mad?! You were just as excited as me!” _

_ “Because seeing you so mad is just so funny!” _

_ “I hate you so much.” _

_ “No, you don’t. You love me!” _

_ “I know,” Remus said, pulling her in for a hug. _

  
  


_ “Remus?” Mr Evans asked as he saw his honourary son walk into the kitchen. “Are you okay?” Mr Evans had been sitting at the table with his daughter Lily when Remus walked in with tear marks on his cheeks and red eyes. _

_ When Lily turned around to look at her best friend, she immediately stood up and guided him to the table to take a seat. _

_ “Rem? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” _

_ “I need to tell you both something,” Remus said, rubbing his eyes.  _

_ Remus had left their house about five hours ago and now he was at their kitchen table with tears in his eyes. It was the last week of summer holidays before the two teens would start high school. _

_ “We’re listening. What’s the matter, son?” Mr Evans said. _

_ Lily held Remus’ hand tightly as she waited for her brother to talk. _

_ “I, um,” Remus started. He could barely even start a sentence before his tears started falling again. Mr Evans passed Remus a glass of water and patiently waited for Remus to start talking. _

_ “Sorry,” Remus said, taking a deep breath before trying again. “I just spoke to my parents and they didn’t take the news well. Um, you guys are the most important people in my life. I’m gay and I hope you can accept me for who I am.” Remus lifted his eyes from his lap to see Lily and Mr Evans staring directly at him. Lily stood up and pulled him into an almost bone-crushing hug (he still had his back brace on for his ribs). _

_ “Of course we accept you, Rem!” _

_ Remus smiled at his sister before looking to Mr Evans, only to find that he wasn’t in the room anymore. _

_ “Is… Is your dad disappointed?” _

_ “Of course not,” Lily said with a small smile. “I’m sure he’ll be back and he’ll tell you that he still accepts you.” _

_ “Are you sure?” _

_ “Positive. Let’s watch some TV, okay?” _

_ The two friends sat on the couch and watched a baking show for half an hour before they heard the front door open. Remus shot Lily a panicked look but Lily just smiled reassuringly at him. Mr Evans walked into the room and placed a box on the coffee in front of the two kids, motioning for Remus to open it. When Remus opened the box, a smile covered his face as he stood up to hug the man in front of him. Inside the box sat 12 cupcakes with rainbow icing. On top of the cupcakes read the message ‘I’m proud, son.’ _

_ “Thank you,” Remus said, burying his face into Mr Evan’s shirt as tears resurfaced. _

_ “There’s nothing to thank me for. Nothing can stop me from loving you, Remus.” _

_ Remus and Lily walked into Mrs McGonagall’s office arguing. The vice-principal smiled at the two students before walking to her cart and making their tea. She was used to their arguing and usually ended up joining in on the arguments (she was also used to the very foul words that would leave their mouths when arguing about something they were both passionate about). _

_ “Of course you would have that view, Lily! You are completely wrong though!” _

_ “I am not!” _

_ “What is the argument this time?” McGonagall interrupts the two. She needed to know which side of the argument she was on. _

_ “Remus is under the impression that Mr Bingley from Pride and Prejudice is a much better choice than Mr Darcey!” Lily exclaimed, dropping her bag on the ground before collapsing into the chair.  _

_ “Ah,” McGonagall sighed. “Tell me your sides while I get the tea ready. Lily?” _

_ “Well obviously I’m on the right side, but I’ll defend it anyways. Mr Darcey is intelligent and wealthy! He is the man I dream of to marry! He is handsome, rich, intelligent, did I mention rich?! He is so much better than Mr Bingley!” _

_ “Okay,” Remus said, interrupting his sister. “First of all, he may be intelligent, but he is fucking condescending and proud! He-” _

_ “He overcomes his pride at the end! You can’t hold that against him!” _

_ “Shut up, Lily! I stayed quiet during your talk, now it’s my turn!”  _

_ McGonagall let out a laugh at the attitude of her two students. Placing the teacups on the desk and motioned for Remus to continue as she sat down in her seat. _

_ “Thank you, Mrs McGonagall,” Remus said with a polite smile before returning to his previous rant. “Mr Bingley is kind, nice and easy-going! He also isn’t an asshole like your Mr Darcey is!” _

_ “How dare you!” Lily shot back at him. “At least he isn’t easy to manipulate!” _

_ “At least he isn’t quick to judge!” _

_ The two teens quickly turned towards their teacher and waited for her to finish her sip of tea, knowing she was going to share her opinion.  _

_ “Now,” McGonagall started with a smile. “I must admit that I did not expect this to be the reason for your yelling, but I do believe it is an important conversation. Believe it or not, I have actually thought about this question before and fought about it with Mrs Pomfrey. However,” Mrs McGonagall took a dramatic pause and sipped her tea, looking out the window. “I must admit that Mr Bingley would be my choice!” _

_ “Take that, Lily!” Remus said with a loud laugh. _

_ “Mrs McGonagall!” Lily cried, covering her face with her hands. “How could you do this to me?!” _

_ “Oh, dear Lily,” McGonagall said with a spark in her eye. “Mr Bingley has it all if you manipulate him to give you money.” _

__   
  


The final memory seemed to zoom into the light reflecting off of the teacups, resulting in a giant light. 

_ This is the light I’m supposed to walk towards, Remus thought to himself. It’s finally over. _


	8. Chapter 8

As Lily walked into her room, she could help but feel restless. She didn’t know what it was, but she was bothered and worried. She tried drinking some tea and distracting herself, but nothing was helping.

_ What is going on?  _ Lily asked herself.  _ Why am I so restless? There isn’t a reason I should be like this, summer just started and everything is okay. _

Lily looked out her window and saw that Remus’ window was wide open.

_ Maybe I should pop over for a moment?  _ She thought.

After walking aimlessly around her room for a couple of moments, she finally gave up and made her way to crawl through the window. Pocketing her phone, she climbed across the branches and into Remus’ room.

“Sorry for dropping in, Rem. I don’t know what’s going on-” Lily stopped as soon as she was on her feet in her brother’s room. Something was wrong.

She walked closer to Remus and saw what was on his side table.

_ A note?... No… _

Lily couldn’t stop the scream that left her mouth.

“Remus! What have you done?!” She could barely process the sounds of footsteps running up the stairs as she dialled 999.

“Hello, 999. What’s y-”

“My best friend just tried to kill himself! He overdosed on his sleeping pills.” The words were spilling out of her mouth as fast as the tears were falling down her face. She fell to the ground when she felt her phone being taken from her hands.

_ I thought he was okay,  _ she thought.  _ Oh, Remus. _

Lily didn’t know what was going on around her. All she could see was her brother laying completely still on the bed in front of her. What had happened? Why hadn’t Lily seen what was happening? The tears continued to fall down her face. Her eyes stayed focused on Remus as she felt someone help her up, gently setting her down on the window seat.

Paramedics had rushed in the room and after placing Remus on a stretcher, they took him to the ambulance. She heard the sirens get quieter before she finally managed to snap herself out of her trance. Her dad was right beside her and pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back.

“Come on,” Mr Evans said quietly. “We are going to meet Mr and Mrs Lupin at the hospital.”

Lily pulled back from the hug and tried to blink away the tears. She looked around the room and her eyes landed on the other papers on Remus’ side table. She slowly made her way towards them and picked them up.

“Lily...” her dad said in a quiet voice.

“I,” Lily could barely get any words out. Nothing made sense but she needed the letters. “Call… I need to call them...” she said slowly.

“Come on, dear,” her dad said, slowly guiding her down the stairs. “Let’s call them in the car, okay?”

“Yeah,” Lily muttered.

She felt numb. 

_ Was Remus still alive?  _

_ Did I find him in time?  _

_ Where is my phone?  _

_ Was Remus okay?  _

_ How did I get my shoes on my feet? _

She felt a seatbelt being buckled and a phone being placed on her lap. Picking the phone up, she realized it was hers. She needed to call Grams and Gramps and Mrs McGonagall.

Lily looked towards her dad and he nodded at her. She didn’t know if that was a sign to call them, but she took it as one. Scrolling through her contacts, she clicked on Grams’ number.

“Lily, dear,” Grams said cheerfully. “How are you?”

“I- You need-” Lily broke down crying again, her sobs felt like they would break her chest open but she couldn’t stop.

“Lily, dear?” Lily could hear the concern in her Grandma’s voice. “What is going on?”

“Remus… hospital… help.” Those were the only words she could manage. She wanted to stop crying, she needed to be strong for Remus. She tried so hard to stop her crying but it wouldn’t stop. Somehow, Grams knew exactly what she was trying to get across.

“Oh, Lily. We will be right there. Are you with someone? Is someone driving you?”

“Dad is driving,” she managed to say.

“We will be there soon, dear.”

Lily took a moment to try to compose herself. She tried to take some deep breaths, but they came out broken and irregular. She couldn’t even reassure herself that Remus was alive… She didn’t know anything. Scrolling through her contacts again, she called Mrs McGonagall.

“Lily? Is everything okay? We just talked a couple of hours ago.” Lily knew Mrs McGonagall didn’t mean it in a rude way, she spoke the truth though. Through her irregular breathing, Lily managed to get some words out. She knew her voice sounded broken, but she didn’t care.

“Remus tried to… He just… Hospital,” as soon as Lily would try to talk, her sobs would start back up. Remus couldn’t be gone, he couldn’t leave her.

“Oh, Lily,” McGonagall said. She could hear the brokenness in Lily’s voice and she knew that her words would sound almost the same in just a matter of moments. “I’m on my way, dear.”

As Lily hung up the phone, she reached for her dad’s hand and held onto it tightly.

_ Why didn’t he ask me for help? _

_ Why didn’t he tell me he needed me? _

_ I should have been there… _

Lily felt herself being guided out of the car and into the hospital. Through her tears, she could tell that she was sitting across from Remus’ parents and Grams and Gramps. She continued to hold onto her dad’s hand tightly, listening to Mr Lupin tell them what was going on.

“Remus coded once in the ambulance,” he said in a tired voice. “They brought him back and they pumped his stomach as soon as they could.”

“How is it looking?” Gramps asked in a worried voice. Lily had never seen anyone around her cry before but now they were all crying as they waited in the hospital for the doctor to eventually tell them what was going on.

“I don’t know,” Mr Lupin said. “I don’t know...”

The family sat quietly as tears rolled down all of their faces. They never imagined they would be sitting here for this reason. Lily didn’t want to be here for this reason… She never wanted to see Remus in a hospital again. He had to pull through… Lily wasn’t ready to lose him yet.

A fresh wave of tears fell from Lily’s eyes as she leaned over and covered her mouth with her hand. She couldn’t lose Remus… She almost lost him once, she shouldn’t have to lose him again.

She felt a soft hand touch her shoulder. Looking towards the person, she saw Mrs McGonagall beside her. Without a moment of hesitation, Lily pulled her into a hug and sobbed openly into her shoulder.

“He didn’t say anything to me,” she cried.

“It’s not your fault, dear,” Mrs McGonagall whispered. “Let it out, Lily. You don’t have to pretend to be strong.”

The rest of the family watched quietly as Lily embraced the vice principal in a hug. Most of the members in the waiting room knew about the close mentorship between Mrs McGonagall and Remus and Lily. Most of them knew, but they were still surprised to see tears fall from the usually strict lady’s face as well as the untidy manner she was in. Whenever the parents/grandparents saw Mrs McGonagall, she always had her hair in a tight bun and her back was straight. She always looked put together and had an air of no-nonsense. Today, however, part of her hair was in the once-was tight bun and she was slouched over while hugging Lily. It wasn’t that they didn’t expect her to care at all, it was more so that they didn’t expect her to be as attached to Remus as she was. In the hospital waiting room, Minerva McGonagall acted like an honourary aunt to Remus rather than his vice principal.

The family stayed seated in the hard hospital chairs, occasionally taking turns pacing the area between the chairs or crying. Every second the clock ticked seemed to take hours when in reality it was only a mere second. They sat and waited, sitting up in their seat every time a doctor or nurse would walk past the waiting room in hopes one of them would update the family.

At 8:43 pm, a doctor walked towards the family and finally called out what they were waiting to hear.

“Family of Remus Lupin?”

Mr and Mrs Lupin stood up quickly, latching onto each other to stay balanced.

“That’s us,” Mr Lupin said. “We are his parents.”

“Mr Lupin is stable right now. We will continue to watch him through the night, but,” the doctor stopped and looked at the rest of the family who were also listening to his words. “Would you like to discuss this in my office or-”

“No,” Mrs Lupin said immediately. “This is his family. They need to know as well.”

“Okay,” the doctor nodded before continuing. “We had to sedate him when he woke up. He started screaming and telling us to ‘let him go.’” 

When Lily heard the doctor tell them what Remus had said, she started sobbing again. How could Remus not see that this was another chance? How could he not see that he was able to try again? Something switched in her brain and she pulled the three envelopes out of her pocket and placed them on her lap. She needed to read hers… He would have left her some answers, right? Lily heard the doctor continue and tried to control her breathing, much like what Mrs Lupin was trying to do.

“Usually we would leave the decision up to the parents, but we have decided to give him a psychological evaluation tomorrow. We do not believe it would be safe to send him home any time soon, so we plan to keep him for a minimum of three weeks.”

“Keep him where?” Mr Lupin asked, trying to keep his voice even.

“To keep him as an in-patient in the Addiction and Mental Health Ward here in the hospital.”

A silence fell over the family as they tried to process the news. Before she could stop herself, Lily spoke up in a quiet and broken voice.

“Will he be okay?”

“With careful observation and the right resources, Mr Lupin should be okay.”

“Okay,” Lily said quietly to herself. She stared at the envelopes in her hands.

Turning to face Remus’ parents, the doctor continued speaking. “If you would like to come see him you can. Only immediate family is allowed in the ICU but we can bring you back here in a little bit so you can tell the rest of the family anything you need to.”

Mr and Mrs Lupin followed the doctor down the hallway after assuring the others that they would be back in a while.

“Lily, dear?” Mrs McGonagall said, breaking the silence. “What are you holding?”

“Remus wrote letters… they were beside his note to whoever found him,” Lily said quietly.

“Lily?” Mrs McGonagall asked, knowing that she didn’t need to finish the question for Lily to understand what she meant.

“He wrote three. One to Grams and Gramps, one to me, and one to you,” Lily explained, handing Mrs McGonagall the one with her name and Grams and Gramps the one with their names. “I don’t know if I want to open it.”

“What are the pros and cons, Lily?” McGonagall asked. She knew that Lily needed to make the choice for herself but was unable to make a clear decision at the moment. “The pros are that you would know what he was thinking. You didn’t know what was happening and you still don’t know what was going through his mind. The cons are that you don’t know what is in the letter.” Mrs McGonagall grabbed Lily’s hand and gave her a small smile. “There are more pros and cons, but I think those are the only two you need to weigh at this moment.”

“Thank you, Mrs McGonagall.”

The waiting room turned quiet once again. While Lily was talking to Mrs McGonagall, Mr Evans had walked to the vending machine and returned with five bottles of water, handing them out to the family in the waiting room. They were all tired and dehydrated from the crying. Most of their throats were sore as well from the crying. The waiting room remained silent as the five people sipped from their water bottles. One by one, the recipients of letters opened theirs and began to read silently.

Grams and Gramps couldn’t believe the letter they had read. Remus, their own grandson, was stretched thin through his years of life and he couldn’t take it anymore. He had done everything he could to hold on but he couldn’t anymore.

_ I should have tried harder,  _ they both thought.  _ He wrote not to blame myself, but I should have noticed. _

Tears fell down their faces as they held onto each other as tightly as they could. They couldn’t lose Remus… Why hadn’t he come to them? Why hadn’t he told them?

“Is… was this the reason he requested three weeks off?” Grams quietly asked her husband. “Is this why he made sure we didn’t schedule him for a week after today?”

She felt a heartbreaking ache in her chest. Why didn’t she notice the signs? She knew his smiles didn’t reach his eyes, but he never expected him to try to kill himself. Why hadn’t he told her?

“I don’t know, my love,” Gramps replied. He didn’t know for sure, but he was almost certain that asking for three weeks offs was for this. Why hadn’t Remus come to him? Was there something he did that made Remus feel like he couldn’t? He had noticed the change in Remus the last couple of months, but he didn’t know Remus would do this… Why hadn’t he reached out to Remus? Why hadn’t he reached out like a grandfather should do?

“Remus deserves all of the pleasures life has to offer too,” Grams muttered quietly into her husband’s chest.

McGonagall stared at the envelope in her hands. Remus had written her one? Dabbing the tears from her eyes, she opened the letter and started reading.

_ I lost myself and I’m sorry _ .  _ I couldn’t fight anymore and I didn’t want to fight anymore. _

A fresh wave of tears fell from McGonagall’s eyes. Remus remembered their talk in September and he quoted it. She knew that Remus knew life would only get better if he fought and he stopped. One of her favourite students, no, one of her children stopped fighting. One of her children stopped trying to fight for a better life and he gave in. No one should have had to fight as hard or as long as he did, especially at 15. She knew that he tried to fight, he had been fighting for so long.

_ I counted you as a close friend and I even considered you as a part of my chosen family, Mrs McGonagall. _

McGonagall loved Remus and Lily, she loved them so dearly and her heart broke as she read that Remus considered her as family. If she had admitted that she considered him family as well, would he have changed his mind? Would Remus have held on longer and got help? Remus was like the son she never had and now she was slowly losing him to himself. He had drowned in the broken pieces of his soul and now he would have to try to build it back up from the beginning.

_ I’ll take care of Lily,  _ McGonagall prayed silently to herself.  _ But I’ll be taking care of you too, Remus. I’m not going to let you fall again. _

Lily played with the corners of the envelope, staring at her name on the front.

_ Why would Remus do this? Why would he want to leave? _

_ The envelope will have answers,  _ she reminded herself.  _ But do I really want to know what was going through his head? _

Slowly taking the letter out of the envelope, she noticed it was folded in thirds.

_ This is an official letter… It wasn’t just written on a scrap piece of paper like the one last year… Remus thought about what to write and folded it. Did he write this before today? It had a different ink colour than the short letter on his desk. _

She unfolded the paper and stared at her name,  _ Dear Lily.  _ It was formal… it was a formal letter. She felt the need to cry but she had already cried all of her tears. She needed to cry but she couldn’t… Closing her eyes to take a deep breath, she felt ready to read the letter.

_ I know that you are most likely so, so mad at me. I can’t blame you, I’m mad at myself. I tried to hold on, Lily. _

She was mad, Lily couldn’t deny it. She was so mad at her brother for trying to kill himself. How could he be so selfish? How could Remus just think that he could kill himself and leave her here? She knew it wasn’t about her, but she couldn’t stop herself from thinking that he was selfish. She wanted to not care that he was mad at himself, but she felt her heartache a little more when wrote it. Remus tried very hard to never be mad at himself, but this is why he was mad… He was mad at himself.

_ Please don’t think I made this decision lightly, I tried so hard to fight just for you. _

_ You should have tried harder,  _ Lily thought. She couldn’t get past her anger. Why did Remus have to be selfish? Why couldn’t he see how selfish he was for doing this?!

Putting down the letter on her lap, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back.

_ Why didn’t you just tell me? I would have tried to help you… I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you.  _

She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. Her eyes burned with tears she didn’t have. It hurt so much, but she had to finish reading. Taking a deep breath in and allowing a broken sigh to leave her mouth, she picked up the letter and continued.

_ I know you will think I’m selfish and if I’m being honest with myself, I know you are right. I was selfish for doing this to you and leaving you, but I got you through the first year of high school like I said I would. You’ll be okay, Lil’s. _

_ I’ll only be okay because you didn’t die, you selfish son of a bitch.  _ Lily knew her head wasn’t in the right place, Remus was the most selfless person she knew. He never put himself first and this time he did but with the wrong thing. Why couldn’t he have just put himself first and sought help? Why didn’t he just get help?

Remus did get her through the first year just like he said, but she wouldn’t have been able to do the rest of high school or life without him. She needed him by her side.

_ It does not do well to dwell on dreams as forget to live. Live life, Lily. Never stop chasing your dreams. _

_ I could say the same to you. Why didn’t you stop chasing your dream for life to get better? Why did you stop? _

He was alive though. Lily had to keep reminding herself that Remus was not gone, he was just in another room. He was okay and he would get better. She would see him smile with his eyes again, she would make sure of it. Remus needed to grow old with her.

_ You’ll be okay, my love. Your next stage in life is only beginning and I will be cheering you on from the finish line. _

_ You’ll be cheering me on right beside me, Remus. We are finishing this race together. I’m not going to let you lose yourself again. _

As Lily finished reading the letter, she carefully folded it back up and put it in the envelope. They were going to be okay. They had to be okay.

Lily broke out of her trance when she felt a hand on her arm. Looking up, she saw Mrs McGonagall holding out a sandwich.

“I’m not hungry,” Lily said quietly.

“I know, my dear,” Mrs McGonagall replied, sitting in the chair next to Lily. “No one is, but it won’t do us any good to not eat. Remus wouldn’t want that.”

“And I didn’t want Remus to try to fucking kill himself and yet here we are.” Grams, Gramps and her Dad looked at her, shocked at the language leaving her mouth. McGonagall, however, let out a small laugh along with a tiny smile.

“You are a lot like him. That sounds like something he would say if the roles were reversed.”

Lily let out a sigh before taking half of the sandwich from her teacher.

“I don’t understand why he wouldn’t try to find help,” Lily said. “I don’t… I just can’t… Why would he do it?”

“What did the letter say? What did he tell you?”

“He told me that he tried to fight as hard as he could.”

“Do you believe him?”

Lily took a bite of her sandwich, thinking over the question her mentor had asked her. Did she believe him? Did he really try to fight as hard as he could?

“I don’t want to,” she finally admitted. “I want to pretend that he didn’t fight as hard as he could. It would be easier to be mad at him that way.”

Mrs McGonagall put her arm around the child and responded.

“Sometimes it’s easier when we believe what we want. If you believe that Remus didn’t fight as hard as he could then you wouldn’t feel guilty for being mad at him or for calling him selfish. If you believe that he fought as hard as he could, then you almost understand why he did it. It would make more sense and it would break your heart more than anger you.”

“He was going to leave me, Mrs McGonagall. He was going to leave me alone on this earth and I was going to have to try to figure everything out on my own. I couldn’t bear to do that.”

“I know, my dear. But he didn’t leave you. He’s still here. Close your eyes for a bit. Your family is all here and we will wake you up when Mr and Mrs Lupin come back.”

“You promise you’ll wake me up?”

“I promise, my dear. None of us are leaving.”

Allowing herself to relax against her teacher’s shoulder, Lily closed her eyes and welcomed the exhaustion that greeted her.

As Remus felt himself glide towards the light, he allowed himself to relax. After so long, he was finally free. Lily would be okay, he made sure to ask people to take care of her. As the warmth of the light was embracing him, he heard a strange sound before his vision faded to darkness.

Beeeeeeeeeeeep

“Clear!”

What was happening? Where was the light? He was so close, he needed to find it.

“Can you hear us, Remus?”

_ What was going on? I was almost free, where am I?  _

His eyes felt heavy and he felt something in his mouth. __

_ Is there a tube in my mouth? What was happening? Where the fuck am I? _

“Remus,” he heard someone call. They sounded far away.

_ Was that normal? Was this the afterlife?  _

“We have a breathing tube in you while we pump your stomach. You’re going to feel a pinch in one, two three… All done. Hang in there, Remus.”

_ They’re pumping my stomach? What was the pinch? What was happening? _

The person kept talking to Remus and Remus continued to question what was happening. He eventually felt the tube be removed from his mouth. Fighting to open his eyes, he was greeted with faces of people he didn’t know.

“Hello, Remus. Do you know where you are?”

Remus looked around his environment, eyes widening in realization.

“No...” Remus said. His throat hurt and his voice sounded scratchy. “Let.. let me go! I was almost gone...” Tears welled up in his eyes. He was so close… Why didn’t they let him go?

“Remus,” the doctor said. “I need you-”

“Let me go! Please… Let me go, I was so close!” Remus tried moving but it was slow and sluggish. What was on his arm? Looking down, he saw that an IV was inserted into his arm. “Stop! Please!”

“Remus,” the doctor tried again. “You are safe here!”

“I don’t want to be here! Let me die, please!” Tears were pouring out of his eyes. He had held on for so long, why couldn’t they let him go?

“We are going to sedate you if you can’t calm down, Remus. We are trying to help you.”

“I don’t want help, I want to die!” His voice croaked as tears continued to fall down his face.

He saw a nurse walking towards him with a needle. He tried to move away but the other nurses and doctor held him still. He started to feel drowsy as the nurse emptied the needle into his arm. 

“Please...” Before Remus could finish his sentence, he was plunged into the darkness. He was so close, why couldn’t they have left him for just a couple of minutes longer?

Mr and Mrs Lupin followed the doctor through the maze of hallways.

“Before we go in,” the doctor said, standing outside of Remus’ hospital room. “We need to go over some details about the Addiction and Mental Health Ward.”

“Okay,” Mr Lupin answered. “What do we need to know?”

“Well,” the doctor started. “From what I have seen so far, I believe we will be keeping Remus anywhere from four to eight weeks. We will know for sure as the weeks go on and how he progresses.” The doctor paused as a nurse walked out of the room and handed him a stack of papers. After a quick nod of thanks to the nurse, he continued. “These are the papers I need you to sign.”

“Okay,” Mrs Lupin replied, taking the sheets before tucking them under her arm. “What are they all for?”

“There are questions about his health information that we need to know, there is a sheet about giving the hospital permission to try different medications that could help him, and other questions about that. There also is a sheet in there about visitors.”

“He’s allowed visitors?” Mr Lupin asked, surprised at the news.

“Yes and no,” the doctor replied. “He is not allowed to see friends, but he is allowed to see you two, his grandparents, family, etc. They do have to call us beforehand to set up a time, but only those who you give permission to visit can. We prefer small groups, such as one or two people at a time as visitors. We encourage you to keep the list short and keep in mind Remus when you allow or refuse to give someone permission to visit.”

“What about Lily?”

“Lily?”

“The young girl with us. She is Remus’ best friend and she is like a sister.”

“Because she is not a blood relative or mentor, she will not be allowed to visit. When we grant Remus passes, he may see her then but she cannot visit him here.”

“Passes?”

“As Remus gets help, his therapist and psychiatrist will work together to decide when he is well enough to receive a day pass and then a weekend pass. These passes will allow you to check him out for the scheduled time.”

“Oh, okay… Would Lily be able to see him before he gets admitted?”

“I believe we can make that work. When he wakes up tomorrow, we will assess him. If he seems okay to see Lily then she can see him for a couple of minutes before we bring him downstairs.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Mr Lupin said. “May we see him now?”

“Of course. If you want to go back to the waiting room after, just let one of the nurses know. You can both stay the night in his room if you would like. Because we have sedated Remus, he will stay asleep until at least 7 am tomorrow morning. Nurses will be stopping by to check his vitals every 30-45 minutes.”

Mr and Mrs Lupin thanked the doctor before turning the doorknob and entering their son’s hospital room.

“Lily?” Mr Evans put a hand on his daughter’s shoulder and gently woke her up. “Mr and Mrs Lupin are here.”

Lily quickly sat up, letting her eyes adjust to the room. Looking around, she saw everyone still in the same place as they were when she fell asleep with the exception of Mr and Mrs Lupin walking down the hall towards them.

“How is he?” Gramps asked when the Lupins were in earshot.

“He’s still asleep,” Mr Lupin said. “We just need some of you to sign a paper if you don’t mind.” As Mr Lupin handed the paper to Grams and Gramps first, Mrs Lupin turned to Lily.

“Lily,” she started. “We tried to get you permission to visit but because you are a friend and not a blood relative or mentor, you won’t be able to visit him here. We talked to the doctor and you will be able to see him before he gets admitted tomorrow as long as he is okay to see anyone. The papers Mr and Mrs Crouch and Mrs McGonagall are signing are to allow them to visit him.”

“Oh,” Lily sighed quietly. “Thank you for hopefully letting me see him tomorrow.”

“Of course,” Mrs Lupin smiled tightly. “When he gets day passes and weekend passes, we will make sure you know so you can see him.”

“Thank you.”

While Mrs Lupin and Lily were talking, Mr Lupin was explaining everything to Grams, Gramps and Mrs McGonagall.

“You have to call before you visit to make sure that Remus won’t have any appointments or anything, but it should be fine. We thought about it and we believed that you three would be the ones Remus would really wish to visit him.”

“Thank you,” Grams said. “Are we allowed to bring things?”

“It would be best for you to ask when you call but I don’t see why you couldn’t.”

“Mr Lupin,” McGonagall said. “Are you and your wife sure that you are both okay with me visiting your son?” McGonagall had no problem with visiting Remus, in fact, she was honoured that she would get to. She worried that they were only letting her because she was sitting with the family for so long that it would be weird to not add her to the list.

“We are,” Mr Lupin replied. “We have heard from Mr Evans how much you have helped Remus and Lily. We appreciate your position in his life.”

“And if I may,” McGonagall added. “Did you tell the doctor about Fenrir Greyback? I believe Remus was telling me that they were trying to find a court date this coming fall. I think it would be important for them to be aware of that.”

“Thank you for reminding me, that actually wasn’t on my mind. I will let them know.”

Mr Lupin grabbed his wife’s hand when she stood next to him.

“Thank you all for coming,” Mrs Lupin said with a tight smile. “We will try to keep you updated on what the doctors tell us but please feel free to visit him. Lily, we will call you and your dad tomorrow to try to let you see Remus before he gets admitted.”

With a nod to the family in the waiting room, Mr and Mrs Lupin walked back down the hall as the rest of the family walked out to the parking lot.

“Call me if you need anything, my dear,” Mrs McGonagall said to Lily. “If you want to stop by just shoot me a text. Take care, my dear.”

“Thank you, Mrs McGonagall. I will see you soon hopefully.”

July 16

Remus slowly felt his senses come back to him.

_ That fucking beeping needs to stop. _

_ There’s still an IV in my arm. It’s pinching me again. _

_ My mouth feels like the Sahara desert. _

_ Did they bathe me in hand sanitizer? That’s all I can smell. _

And eventually, he opened his eyes.

_ Why the fuck are the lights so bright? _

“Good morning, Remus,” a nurse said with a smile.

“Is it?” Remus replied. He didn’t want to be here, he should have been dead.

The nurse gave him a sad smile before adjusting his IV bag.

“Your parents just stepped out to have breakfast. I will put an order in for food to be delivered soon and I’ll let the doctor know you are awake.” Before Remus could say anything in reply, the nurse had left.

He looked around the room and saw that his parents’ stuff was, in fact, in the room. He didn’t expect them to stay the night but apparently, they did. As he continued to study the room, a doctor walked in.

“Good morning, Remus,” she said. “How are you feeling?” As she asked the question, she took a seat on the remaining available seat.

“Well I wish I was dead, so there’s that.”

“Ah,” the doctor said, writing on her clipboard.

“May I ask what you got from that to make you write a note down?”

“Nothing you need to worry about,” she replied with a smile. “Now, let’s talk about what happened.” The doctor stared at Remus after she finished her question.

“Was… was there a question I missed?”

“Why don’t you tell me what happened last night?”

“I tried to kill myself and I failed?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

Remus mentally shook his head. Who was this lady and was she serious?

“Well I wasn’t asking if I failed, I can see that I failed quite clearly.”

“What was the reason you tried to kill yourself? Take your time.”

“Well, I wasn’t doing it for shits and giggles.” Remus mentally rolled his eyes. He was tired and he didn’t have the energy to lie to this lady but he also didn’t have the energy to contain his sarcasm. “I tried to kill myself because I was tired of living. I don’t want to be alive anymore.”

“Past tense or present tense? Did you not want to be alive or do you still not want to be alive?”

“Well failing at my attempt did not change my mind.”

“How did it make you feel?”

“When I failed?”

“No, Remus. How did it feel when you woke up?”

“Were you here last night when I woke up?”

“I was.”

“Okay, well then you obviously knew that I was not happy. Did you just imagine I was being hysterical and wanted to have someone sedate me?”

“No, I did not. However, there have been instances where once the sedation wears off that patients realize how lucky they are to be alive.”

Remus stared at the doctor in front of him. Was she serious? Her talking made him wish more and more that his attempt was a success.

“Doctor, may I be honest with you for a moment?”

“Please, yes,” she said with a smile.

“I still wish I succeeded. I am tired of life and I want to die. If I could I would try again and just make sure to lock my doors so no one came in before the job was done.

“I am sorry to hear that, Remus.”

“I’m not.”

“I have one more question for you if that is okay?”

“I really don’t think I have a choice, do I?”

Remus knew he was probably being unfair to the doctor, but he didn’t care. He was so tired and just wanted to die. 

Choosing to ignore his question, the doctor continued.

“On a scale of 1-10, how suicidal are you? 1 is you aren’t suicidal and 10 is you would attempt suicide again as soon as you are able to?”

“I literally just told you that I would try again if I was able… I’m pretty sure that classifies as a 10, does it not?”

The doctor ignored his question and continued to write on her clipboard. After a couple of minutes, there was a knock on the door and the doctor stood up.

“It was lovely chatting with you, Remus. I will pass your results to your doctor and he will tell you what happens next.”

_ I thought you were my doctor? Who the fuck are you?? _

“Thank you. Have a great day,” Remus replied.

As the doctor left the room, his parents entered the room along with another doctor and a nurse carrying a food tray. Remus’ parents sat down on the chairs that had their coats draped over them while the doctor sat down on the chair previously occupied by the other doctor who apparently wasn’t his doctor. The nurse rolled a bedside tray towards him and left the food on it before leaving.

“Please eat, Remus,” the doctor said.

Slowly nodding, Remus uncovered his food and slowly started eating while alternating between looking at his parents and the doctor.

_ I hope I never have to eat hospital food again. I’ve taken four bites and I’m already disgusted. _

“So, Remus,” the doctor began. “I have your results here and I have discussed the options with your parents and we have come to an agreement.”

“Sorry, uh what results are you talking about? When did this happen?”

“Oh,” the doctor said, a frown falling on his face. “Have we checked you for short term memory loss? The doctor who just left the room before we came in asked you a bunch of questions. Do you remember that?”

“Oh!” Remus exclaimed. “Oh no, I remember her just fine. I mean I wish I didn’t but I remember her. Was that a test?”

“It was a psychological evaluation.”

“That makes so much more sense. I’m assuming I’ll be seeing more of her then?”

Remus saw his parents’ looks of confusion but chose to ignore it. He honestly didn’t care what his parents thought. They had always been cold to him and they grew more distant after Greyback attacked him. He didn’t care anymore.

“That is correct,” the doctor replied. “We will admit you early this afternoon, a nurse will bring you down.”

“When do I get to wear normal clothes?”

“48 hours. Your parents will bring them in a couple of days. We have to make sure you are safe enough to wear your own clothes.”

“Serious?” Remus asked with a small laugh. “Are you worried that I will try to strangle myself with the legs of my pants?”

“Remus!” His mother exclaimed in horror.

“I’m not wrong!”

“Anyways,” the doctor interrupted. “Your parents have filled out all of the forms so we just have to wait for a bed to open up down there and then we can send you down.”

“May I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

“Without my parents in the room?”

“Of course.” The doctor turned to address Mr and Mrs Lupin before continuing. “Would you two mind waiting in the hallway? You can make the call for Ms Evans to drop by. Remus will be moved within five hours.”

Remus watched his parents walk out the door and almost let out a sigh of relief. He felt suffocated by their presence and was thankful they left, even just for a moment.

“What is your question?”

Remus stared at his hands while he tried to figure out how to word his question. He wanted to die, he really did, but would this help? Would being here help him get better?

“Does… How is… sorry,” Remus said, shaking his head.

“Take your time,” the doctor said. “Let out the sigh of relief now that your parents are gone. I know how parents can be. Ask me when you’re ready.”

Remus let out a small laugh before he closed his eyes and tried to string his words together.

“Will this work?”

“Can you expand on that question?”

“Will being here help? Will I want to live after this?”

“That depends on you, Remus.”

“No offence, doctor, but I literally tried to kill myself less than 24 hours ago. I don’t think this should depend on me.”

The doctor let out a laugh that gave Remus a small smile. 

“You’ll be safe here. The doctors and nurses are there for you. Your parents have given the staff a list of people who can visit you. They will call us and if you are able to then they will meet with you.”

“What about Lily? I’m assuming that was who my parents were calling?”

“Because Lily is not an adult, blood relative or mentor, she will be unable to visit you here. Your parents asked if she could stop by before you got admitted.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

A knock sounded on the door which caused the doctor to stand.

“Do you have any more questions?”

“Just one. Will the food in the mental ward be the same as this food?” Remus asked, motioning towards what was left on his plate.

“Oh yeah,” the doctor said. “No matter what ward you are in, hospital food will always taste like that.”

“Oh fuck… this is going to be a long summer.”

“Hey, Rem,” Lily said quietly as she entered the hospital room.

“Hi, Lily,” Remus replied, not looking up from his hands. He could look her in the eyes, he was worried to see disappointment in her eyes. He could see her close the hospital door and walk closer to him out of the corner of his eyes.

“How are you feeling?” Lily sat down on the foot of his bed. She knew that his parents had just finished scolding him about depression and suicide, hell, the whole hospital probably knew. Before Lily came into the room, she was asked to wait until Mr and Mrs Lupin finished talking to Remus and that once they came out that she could go in. The room felt cold and tense and Lily hated it. Remus shouldn’t have to be here but he had to be.

“I could be worse.”

Lily stared at Remus. She knew that he didn’t want to look at her, but she needed to see him. She needed to see his face. She couldn’t have the last time she looked at his face be when she thought he was dead.

“Look at me, Remus.”

Remus shook his head, trying desperately to wipe his tears from his eyes. He couldn’t look at her, not after what his parents said.

“Remus, my love,” she whispered. Getting up, she moved closer and sat next to him on the bed. Putting her hand on his cheek, she lifted his face so he had to look at her. When he finally made eye contact, she gave him a sad smile. “Hi, there.”

“Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

Lily felt her heartbreak at the question. She wanted to yell at him last night, there was no doubt about it. She wanted to march into the room and yell at him until she lost her voice. She was so mad that Remus tried to take his own life and she was so angry that she fought off her feeling of checking in on him sooner. If she saw him last night then she would have yelled, but she was seeing him today and she had been rereading his letter since she got home.

Lily’s anger had faded through the night and turned into heartache for her best friend. Her chest physically hurt when she thought about what he tried to do. She felt a literal tightening in her chest when she thought of her brother having to sit down and write her a letter. She wiped a tear from Remus’ eye and pulled him in for a soft hug.

“Would you like me to yell at you?”

“No. I don’t think I could handle it. Are you mad at me?”

“I was,” Lily replied, pulling back from the hug. “I was mad last night when I had to sit in the waiting room for hours not knowing what was going to happen. I was mad but throughout the night it went away.”

“Why?”

“Because I tried to do what you always do. I tried to put myself in your shoes. And I realized some things.”

“What did you realize?”

Lily shifted in the bed. Instead of facing his, she was sitting up next to him leaning against the propped up end of the bed. She held his hand and turned to look at him.

“I realized that you were doing everything you could and you held on for a long time. After thinking about it, I came to realize that you didn’t make this decision lightly. After my anger washed away, I just felt this heavy sadness when I tried to picture making the decision of ending my own life and leaving you behind. You fought so hard and eventually you broke. I was mad, but I know you fought as hard as you could. You just need a bit of help now and that’s okay.”

Remus leaned his head against his sister’s shoulder. He was thankful she was here and he was really going to miss her.

“So, how are you feeling? You didn’t answer that honestly.”

“I’m so tired, Lil’s. I’m just so, so tired and I’m tired of fighting. I just wanted to be able to stop.”

Fresh tears filled Lily’s eyes at the honesty in Remus’ answer. She couldn’t even begin to feel the amount of pain he was in.

“I’m so sorry, my love,” she sighed. “I’m so sorry you feel like this.”

“I just want to feel okay. Even just a sliver of ‘okay’ would be nice.”

“You’ll get there, I’ll make sure of it.”

“You’re not going to get tired of hauling my ass around?”

Lily let out a tiny laugh and put her arm around Remus.

“I’ll never get tired of hauling your ass around. Can I ask a question?”

“I can’t promise I’ll answer right now, but of course you can.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not a deep question. I’ll save those questions until I see you next or until you’re ready for them. How did the psych evaluation go? I mean obviously not well because you’re here, but how did it go?”

Remus let out a laugh that started Lily. It wasn’t a happy laugh, it was the laugh he gave when he did something stupid.

“Remus,” Lily said in a warning tone. “Please tell me you didn’t say anything stupid...”

“If I said that I would be lying… I may have slightly been sarcastic and swore at the lady...”

“Remus!”

“She was asking stupid questions!”

“What is the definition of stupid questions?”

“Okay,” Remus said, holding his hand up to stop Lily from saying anything. “First I need to tell you that she never introduced herself and I didn’t know it was a psychological evaluation! She asked me to tell her about what happened that night and I didn’t know if she was serious or not so I just said ‘I tried to kill myself and I failed’ but it was phrased as a question because I wasn’t sure if that was what she was asking so then she asked if I was telling or asking her...”

“Remus...”

“So I told her that I wasn’t asking if I failed because I knew that I hadn’t. Pretty much I just swore at her a lot and answered her questions truthfully but also sarcastically. I then found out after that it was a psych evaluation so I realized very quickly that I most likely failed.”

Lily let out a tiny laugh and sat up when she heard a knock on the door.

“I guess that’s my cue to go,” she said with a sad smile. “I know I don’t have to worry about you in here, but I probably will. Come back soon, please. I mean take your time but I’m really going to miss you. We’ll work on your swearing and sarcasm when you get out, you need to lower those levels.”

Remus gave Lily a tight hug before taking her hand and responding.

“Don’t get too bored out there. Just tell Severus I’m on house arrest or something. I really don’t want him knowing about this.”

“I won’t, don’t worry. I’ll see you soon, love. Take as long as you need.”

After pressing a kiss to his forehead, Lily left the hospital room.

When Lily left the room, Remus had exactly seven seconds to gather himself before a nurse came in with a wheelchair.

“Are you ready, Remus?”

“No,” he replied honestly. “But I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

The nurse took out Remus’ IV and put a bandage on his arm. After making sure it was secure, she helped Remus out of the bed and into the wheelchair. 

It felt weird being pushed around in a wheelchair, but Remus almost enjoyed it. He sat and tried to memorize the turns. They finally reached what seemed to be the end of the hospital and the nurse walked them into an elevator.

“I know you’re a teenager, but do you want to push the button? Press the ‘Lower Level.’”

Remus smiled to himself before pushing the button and the elevator went down, down, down. When they left the elevator, Remus saw the giant sign hanging from the roof.

_ Addiction and Mental Health (Inpatient)  _

Remus was scared. He was scared about being admitted to a mental hospital, terrified actually.

He was terrified that he was going to be locked up and he was terrified that it wouldn’t help.

There were two fears Remus had when he was told he was being admitted to a mental hospital. It was two fears that he wouldn’t tell anyone until either he succeeded in his next attempt or he was healed. The first fear was that the hospital wasn’t going to help. He was worried that he would either be locked up for the rest of his life or spend his last weeks in a hospital before he finally succeeded in his next attempt. The other fear was the one that he was more scared of. He was scared of the unknown. He didn’t know what it would feel like to be happy as a teenager… he hadn’t experienced that yet. What did this mean for him? If he made it to the other side, what would that feel like? What would it feel like to not be plagued with nightmares and to wake up not wishing he was dead?

Remus was scared about experiencing the unknown happiness that everyone else had. He was comfortable with the emptiness… Well, comfortable wasn’t the correct word. He was more familiar with the emptiness, loneliness, and hopeless feeling in his chest every minute of the day. He was used to the ache in his chest day in and day out. He knew how to put on a fake smile and how to pretend to be interested and invested in a conversation. What would happen when he started to heal? Would he be ready to jump into the deep end of the unknown or would he back out and hide? Remus didn’t know, but he was going to have to find out.


	9. Chapter 9

July 16

“Everyone, please come meet our new friend!”

_ Oh good lord… Please don’t let this lady be the leader for however long I’m here. _

“Everyone,” the nurse said with a very ecstatic voice. “Meet Remus! Remus, meet everyone!”

Remus had left the wheelchair almost as soon as he got off the elevator. Once he had arrived, a new nurse had greeted him and brought him through the different security points. After making sure he hadn’t smuggled anything in (not that he could smuggle anything in when he only had two hospital gowns, one worn normally and the other worn backwards so no one could see his exposed back), the nurse brought him through the doors where a bunch of teens were sitting in a circle. As soon as the doors opened, all eyes were on him.

“Now, Remus,” the nurse said, grabbing his attention. “I’m going to give you a tour and I’ll go over the rules with you. Does that sound okay?”

“Do I have much of a choice?”

“Well, that doesn’t sound very positive! We will work on that over the next couple of weeks.”

Remus looked at the other kids in the ward and very quickly realized that everyone has a least favourite nurse and that was the nurse he was with.

_ This is going to be a very, very long summer. _

July 17

Remus was asleep on his bed in his shared room when the lights flicked on.

“Good morning, boys!”

_ How is she still here? How is she so happy? She is literally working in a place where kids want to kill themselves. _

“My, you boys must be tired! Are you awake?”

“Yes,” both boys groaned.

“Perfect! Breakfast is in 10 minutes!”

Remus heard the nurse leave and he finally sat up and stared at his roommate.

“Is she always like that?”

“Oh yeah,” the guys said. “A smile never leaves her face and it’s awful.”

“I can tell,” Remus said, shaking his head. “Her optimism makes me wish I succeeded in killing myself more than before.”

“Believe me, man. We could all see from the look on your face when she introduced you yesterday.”

“Great. Sorry, what’s your name again?”

“Frank Longbottom. And you’re Remus...”

“Remus Lupin.”

“I’m assuming you’re also in for suicide?”

“Yep. You also failed?”

“Believe it or not, I did.”

Remus faced the door and he waited for Frank to change. He may already hate being here, but he was glad there was someone his age. When Frank finished getting dressed, the roommates walked down the hall to the area where breakfast would be served.

It was almost funny how short the tour was the other day. When Remus walked through the door with the nurse, he was in a big square-shaped room. The wall to his right was a giant desk where the nurses sat behind. The wall continued down for a while but there was a door that separated him from that hallway which was also where the nurses station stopped. The wall on his left also had a door that separated him from a hallway as well. The nurses' station, the two doors parallel to the walls they were attached to and the wall to his left made the giant square. From that giant square, there were two hallways that continued from the walls on his left and right. Down the hallways were the patient rooms, each having a bathroom with a sink and toilet. There were also two showers in the ward, one in the hallway on the left and the other in the hallway on his right.

When he entered the main room of the ward, there were a few couches, a TV, a shelf of board games and card games, a couple of square tables to play the games on and finally seven circular tables with two chairs each where they would eat meals.

The tour all in all took about two minutes and the rules took about five.

_ Don’t hurt yourself or another person. If you hurt yourself, please tell us so we can help you. _

_ Don’t share food. _

_ Take the medications we give you. _

_ Be honest. _

_ Don’t trade food. _

_ Don’t swear  _ (Remus was going to have a very hard time following that).

_ You must have a shower once a day. _

_ Blah blah blah _

There were a lot of rules, but they all seemed to be based around common sense. The one fun fact Remus learned was that apparently patients used to trade food with each other and that apparently caused one patient to pass out from iron deficiency. 

When Remus and Frank reached the tables, they quickly grabbed one of the available ones and sat across from each other. They sat and waited for their name to be called so they could grab their trays and start eating.

Five minutes later, both Remus and Frank were sitting at the table eating their breakfast and talking.

“So when did you get down here?” Remus asked.

“Two days before you actually.”

“Damn… Wait, did you get out of finals?!”

“Fuck yeah I did!”

“Mr Longbottom!” A nurse yelled. “Language!”

“Sorry!” Frank yelled back with a laugh.

“Damn,” Remus muttered quietly. “ I shouldn’t have waited until the end of school.”

“Why did you?”

“I promised myself that I wouldn’t leave Lily until I got us through freshman year.”

“Lily? Is that your girlfriend?”

“Oh, fuck no!” Remus explained in disgust. Sure, he loved Lily but she was his sister. He couldn’t imagine dating her.

“Mr Lupin!” The same nurse from earlier exclaimed. “Language, please!”

“Sorry, ma’am!” Remus yelled back, rolling his eyes. “Lily’s my best friend and my honourary sister.”

“No feelings for her at all?”

“Not at all. I’m also way to gay to want to date her.” As soon as the words left Remus’ mouth, he abruptly stopped. He probably just fucked up this ‘friendship,’ or whatever you call friends in the mental health ward. He looked up to Frank with eyes widened in fear. “I’m so sorry, I-”

“Remus, man,” Frank said with a laugh. “You’re all good, no worries!”

“You aren’t going to demand the nurses to switch you to a different room?”

“Nah, I enjoy our conversations too much.”

“Thanks,” Remus said with a small smile. “What about you?”

“I am as straight as a straight man could be.”

“Thanks for not hating me.”

“Don’t bank on me not hating you yet. If you beat me in Uno this afternoon I will fucking destroy you. I’m the winner of the floor right now and I’m not ready to give that title away yet.”

“Mr Longbottom! Stop swearing! It’s 8:30 am!”

Remus and Frank let out a laugh at the nurse. Her poor, poor soul. Remus and Frank were going to end up making her retire by the time they got released.

July 19

“Welcome to group today,” a therapist said as four of the teens entered the room. “Now, let’s go around the table and say our names and our ages.”

“My names Frank and I’m 15.”

_ “Hi Frank.” _

“My name is Marlene and I’m also 15.”

_ “Hi Marlene.” _

“My name is Remus and I’m the same age as all the other teens in this room because they literally grouped us by our ages for group.”

_ “Hi Remus.” _

“My name is Dorcas and I agree with what Remus said.”

_ “Hi Dorcas.” _

“Awesome! I’m so glad we were able to meet today.”

The four teens shared a look with each other, all having the same thought.  _ We didn’t have a choice. _

“Now, this is going to be a fun time for us all! I think we should start with an activity called ‘shoes.’ Has anyone heard of it?”

“Ma’am?” Remus politely asked.

“Yes, dear?”

“I think I speak for all of us teens here when I say that any of the games or activities you leaders do in group none of us have heard of.”

“Really?” The leader questioned. “Have none of you ever played these games?”

“Miss,” Marlene added. “Most of the activities involve our trauma so none of us have played it outside of group therapy.”

“Well,” the leader said with a smile. “I’m glad I can teach the games to you all!”

“Are you sure they don’t test our leaders for drugs before they come in?” Remus quietly whispered to Marlene.

“I have no idea, they should though,” she whispered back.

“Now, let me explain the game ‘shoes.’ What you are going to do is write on this piece of paper,” she said, passing the papers to each patient. “As you can see, there is a shoe outline on it. You are going to write about what someone would experience if they were to walk a mile in your shoe.”

“How much do we have to write?” Marlene asked.

“Everything!”

The group stared at the lady who had a big smile on her face.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said. “You’re telling me that you want me to write my life story on this piece of paper?”

“Yes, exactly!”

“Are we shredding the papers after?”

“No, Remus. We are going to share with each other what we have gone through.”

“What is the fucking point in that?!” Remus shouted, startling the other teenagers. Remus wasn’t one to shout in anger and his friends in the ward knew that even though he had only been there for four days.

“Remus, dear,” the lady said with a small frown. “Swearing will not help-”

“Fine! Forget the swearing for a second. You’re telling me that you want me to share with all of you what I have gone through to make me want to die?!”

Marlene, Dorcas and Frank all looked at Remus in confusion and slight pride. He was standing his ground firmly, but something bad had obviously happened in his life that put him here. Of course, they all went through things, but the way Remus was fighting was something different. 

“It is a safe environment-”

“I don’t care if it’s safe,” Remus interrupted. “I am not going to share what happened with a bunch of strangers,” turning to them he quietly muttered a ‘no offence’ before turning back to the leader. “I got the police to tell my parents and I’ve only told two people. I’m not going to share my whole story with any of you.”

“Remus,” the leader said. “I understand-”

“No,” Remus said, shaking his head in disbelief. “I don’t think you do.”

The group sat in silence as the leader stared down Remus, hoping for him to break first and give in to the game.

“Hey,” Frank said. “Ma’am, I think you are being unfair to Remus. Why does he have to share everything? I believe that forcing him to not only recall whatever happened but trying to force him to share with people who honestly don’t need to know isn’t fair. There is no reason for him to share those details. Can he just write other stuff that doesn’t dive into what happened?”

The leader looked back and forth between the kids and finally gave in, realizing she was outnumbered.

“Fine,” she said. “If you must, Remus, then don’t dive into it. I believe it would benefit you to dive in but if you don’t want to listen then don’t.”

“Thank you, Ms Umbridge.”

“Thanks for having my back in group today with Ms Umbitch,” Remus said as he played his turn in the Trouble board game.

“No problem,” Frank said with a smile.

“Umbitch, I like that,” Marlene said with a laugh.

“It was unfair of her to ask that,” Dorcas nodded.

“Still, I appreciate it,” Remus said.

“We’re here for you,” Frank said.

“Can we keep calling her Umbitch when we talk about her?” Marlene asked.

“Fuck yeah!” The three other teens cheered.

“Mr Lupin and Mr Longbottom and Ms Meadowes! Please, stop swearing!”

July 23

“I never thought they would let us see the sun until we were released,” Dorcas said, leaning on top of the picnic table.

“Yeah,” Marlene replied. “Just ignore the giant fence around us so we can’t escape and we have a lovely view.”

“You know,” Remus said. “We could probably climb the fence if we wanted and just run.”

“Remus, man,” Frank said, shaking his head in amusement. “Love the energy, but I don’t really want to miss dessert tonight. We finally get ice cream.”

“Fair point,” Remus muttered. “Next time.”

Because the Mental health ward was on the ground level, they had access to a playground/yard. It was mostly just a 10 metre by 10 metre area with some benches and tables for the inpatients of the ward could sit in if they had permission. Somehow, the four teens were given permission to enjoy the summer weather for a couple of hours. 

“Do you guys think we will ever see each other in the real world after this?” Remus asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” Marlene said, answering first. “I mean it’s possible but who knows where we will be in a couple of years. Who knows, maybe I’ll have purple hair and none of you would recognize me.”

“It’s a small world,” Dorcas said. “I mean I wouldn’t be ashamed seeing any of you on the street one day, but I think it’s all up to fate.”

“I don’t know either,” Frank said. “Who knows, maybe we will all end up living in the same city or we all will be living in different continents.”

“I know we can’t keep in contact when we leave here, but I wouldn’t mind running into you guys.”

“If I see you guys,” Frank said with a smirk. “I’m just going to start yelling shit at you all.”

“Yelling the actual word ‘shit’ over and over again? Or-”

“For fucks sake Remus!” Frank laughed, pushing him slightly. “Not literally, you idiot! I would just start a fight with you all. I would love to scare the shit out of anyone near us.”

“I would totally join in,” Marlene said with a laugh. “Can you imagine us all just running into each other and just start swearing at each other? We all have a spouse or friend with us and they all think we are going to start a street fight? Fuck, that would be so much fun!”

“I really hope I see you guys in the streets now,” Dorcas says with a laugh.

“Me too,” Remus agrees. “That would be amazing.”

“Mr Lupin, Mr Longbottom, Ms Meadowes and Ms McKinnon!” A nurse yelled from the door.

“Yes?” The teens yelled back from the table.

“Time to come in! And Mr Lupin, you have a visitor!”

“Maybe it’s your parents?” Dorcas asked.

“Fuck,” Remus muttered. “I hope not.”

“They haven’t come to see you yet, man. You’ve been here a week.”

“They don’t care too much-”

“Come on, kids!” The nurse yelled. “I will make you lose outside privileges!” She turned and called into the building something the teens couldn’t hear.

“Who do you think she’s talking to?” Remus asked.

“Probably your visitor,” Marlene said. “Maybe you’ll be able to sit out here.”

Remus stopped in his steps when he saw who walked through the door with a book under her arm, two cups in her hands and a gentle smile on her face.

“Remus?” Frank asked. “Who is that?”

“That’s Mrs McGonagall,” Remus said with a smile none of his friends had seen him wear yet. It was one of love, joy and thankfulness. Remus ran ahead and greeted his teacher.

“Mrs McGonagall,” he said.

“Remus, my dear,” Mrs McGonagall said with a bright smile. “Take one of these cups and the book so I can give you a hug.”

Remus quickly took a cup and the book, leaning into the hug his teacher gave him.

“Now,” she said. “I have gotten permission from the nurses to let us have tea and talk out here. I also brought you one of the books I read this past week in my garden. It was an amazing read and I thought you would enjoy it.”

Remus and McGonagall walked towards the table the group of teens occupied less than five minutes previous. As they sat down, Remus took a sip of his tea and smiled. It had been a long time since he had tea and he was thankful that his teacher brought him one. Picking up the book, he read the title.

“The Princess Bride,” he said aloud. “I’ve heard of it but I’ve never read it. I look forward to reading it. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, my dear.”

Remus and McGonagall drank their tea as a silence covered them. Remus knew that Mrs McGonagall had read the letter and he didn’t know what to say. He was worried that he had disappointed her. He wanted to ask but he was scared of the answer. He didn’t want to have disappointed her.

“Remus?”

“Yes, Mrs McGonagall?”

“How are you doing?”

“Honestly how I’m feeling or how I want to answer?”

“Honestly, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I’m really struggling,” Remus said quietly. “I understand that there were other ways I could have dealt with how I was doing, but I was so tired and just done. I remember… it was so weird. I remember my life flashing before my eyes. I felt the warmth of the light I was walking towards and I was right there… I was right there, Mrs McGonagall.” Remus looked up from his cup and made eye contact with his teacher. “I was so close and then I got ripped from it. I’ll be honest and I’m so sorry that it probably won’t be what you want to hear. I still go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. I still close my eyes and pray to whoever is listening that they just let me die. I’m really struggling with still being alive and I’m sorry that wasn’t the answer-”

“My dear,” Mrs McGonagall said, reaching out to grab Remus’ hand. “I didn’t come here expecting you to be okay. I know you are struggling so hard and just the fact that you are being honest with me tells me some things are changing. And before you ask, I am not disappointed in you and I promise that. I am not disappointed that you are here or that you felt you couldn’t live anymore. You fought as hard as you could and I knew that. Now you just need a little bit of help and that’s okay.”

“Thank you,” Remus said with a smile. “Thank you for being here. You’re my first visitor.”

“What about your parents?”

Remus just shook his head with a small smile.

“I’m sorry, dear. Now, why don’t you tell me some trouble you’ve gotten into with your little gang?”

“My little gang?”

“Oh yes,” Mrs McGonagall said with a laugh. “I saw you four and I immediately knew you four were causing the grey hairs of the nurses. Give me a good story.”

Remus laughed as took a sip from his cup, thinking of the best story over the week.

“Oh!” Remus exclaimed, sitting a little straighter as he got ready to tell the story. “We started an uprising! The staff alternate between two movies. ‘Back to the future’ and a documentary about the dangers of the internet. So when the nurse left for a moment, the gang got all of the other kids to harmonize the work ‘fuck’ while the four of us bargained with the nurses to let us watch ice age once.”

“Oh dear,” Mrs McGonagall said with a loud laugh. “I sure hope you never start an uprising in Hogwarts over the next couple of years.”

“Don’t worry,” Remus said with a smirk. “If I do I’ll make sure you won’t know it’s me.”

“Mrs McGonagall?” Umbridge yelled from the door. “15 more minutes before Remus needs to come in and clean up. Remus, do not fight with me.”

“Thank you,” Mrs McGonagall called back before turning to address Remus. “Are you fighting the nurses?”

“No, just Umbitch, sorry I mean Umbridge.”

“Umbitch?” McGonagall said with a raised eyebrow. “Care to explain?”

“She’s a bitch and I really don’t like her.”

“I’m assuming she’s in the wrong? You don’t seem to go out of your way to hate people who haven’t done anything wrong to you.”

“She tried to force me to talk about Greyback in our group therapy session and I refused to and the gang backed me up. Now she’s just out to get me.”

“Are you serious?!” Mrs McGonagall looked murderous as she stared back at Remus.

“I am-”

“Do you want me to talk to her? I will! I can fuck her up if you want, my dear?” Somehow Mrs McGonagall’s voice was filled with a lethal tone but in the most loving way. It was confusing but Remus appreciated it.

“Not yet,” Remus said. “I’m not trying to get stuck here longer. I think if one of my visitors murdered a nurse for me then they might keep me here longer.”

“Let me know if you change your mind, then. Do you have any questions or comments for me?”

“Specifically about murder or just in general?”

“Preferably in general, but I can try to answer murder questions.”

“How is Lily doing?”

“She’s okay. She really misses you but she knows you need to be here. She asked me to tell you to not cause too many problems here but I think you are well on your way to burning this ward down from the chaos you and your gang cause.”

Remus gave his teacher a small smile. He really missed Lily and wished he could be with her. He also wished that Mrs McGonagall would come back soon, maybe this was a one-time thing, but he wished it wasn’t.

“What’s on your mind, dear?” Mrs McGonagall said softly, holding her child’s hand. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I really miss Lily and I want to leave this hospital.”

“But?”

“But if I left now I know I would last maybe a week before I tried. I still really want to die and I don’t know if that desire will ever change in here. It’s lonely here, I mean I have Frank, Marlene and Dorcas but I miss you, Grams, Gramps and Lily.”

“I’m sorry, I wish I could help you.”

“You’re my first visitor, you helped.” Remus gave his teacher a teary smile before continuing. “I don’t know how much you and Lily have talked, but my parents yelled at me a lot before they left the day I was admitted. They haven’t come to see me.”

“They haven’t stopped by? At all?”

“Oh no, they’ve stopped by but they never came to see me. They would drop whatever it was off at the desk and then leave.”

“I’m sorry, my love. What else is on your mind?”

Remus sat quietly and stared at his empty cup. Would it be too selfish to ask Mrs McGonagall to come back again? Maybe this was just a one-time thing. He didn’t want to make her feel guilty or like one visit wasn’t enough.

“Just tell me, Remus. What do you want to ask?”

“Are you… Is this a one-time thing? Are you going to come back again or was this the only time?”

“Oh no,” Mrs McGonagall said with a smile. “I’ll be back each week with two cups of tea and a new book for you to read.”

“Really? You’ll come again?”

“Of course, Remus. I consider you family and I’ll be back.”

“Time is up,” Umbridge called. “Remus, if you are not inside in the next two minutes then you can forget about dessert tonight.”

“Wow… I can see why you call her Umbitch. What dessert is being served tonight?”

“Ice cream.”

“Let’s get you in then.” Giving Remus a hug, Mrs McGonagall walked him to the door and whispered in his ear one last thing before leaving.

“Take your time, dear. Don’t fake being okay just so you can get out sooner. We will all be waiting for you no matter how long you need to be here.”

“So,” Frank said as the group was sitting around one of the game tables while they played Uno. “Who was the lady?”

“That was Mrs McGonagall,” Remus said. “She was someone who Lily and I met with every couple of weeks to talk and play games with.”

“Is she a guidance counsellor?” Dorcas asked. “Uno.”

“Not at all. She’s the vice principal.” Remus said, placing his last card down. “I win.”

“Fuck you, Remus,” Frank said quietly, not wanting his ice cream privileges to be taken away. “How did you manage to become friends with a vice principal?”

“Lily and I asked her if life got better or easier and then she somehow decided that she liked our company and would call us out of class every couple of weeks to hang out in her office.”

“Damn,” Marlene muttered. “I wish I was best friends with my vice principal.”

“Mrs McGonagall called us a gang earlier and as soon as she saw me with you guys she asked what trouble we have caused.”

“She sounds great!”

“She also offered to fuck up Umbitch a bit if I wanted her to.”

“You are living the best life, my man.”

“Frank? We are all literally sitting in a mental hospital being supervised while we eat ice cream because they are worried we will stab ourselves with our spoons.”

“Fair point. Never mind then.”

July 25

“How are you feeling today, Remus?”

“Not too well,” Remus answered honestly.

This was Remus’ most honest hour of the day. When he was in his personal therapy session, he had decided to be completely honest. He would try to act okay when he was in group or when he was around the others, but he was completely honest in front of his therapist.

“And why is that?”

“I woke up and I just really wished I was dead.”

“And what did you tell yourself when you realized your thoughts?”

“Well, the first thing I thought was that if I succeeded in my attempt then I wouldn’t have been having that thought.”

“Ah,” the therapist said, making a note on her clipboard. “And your second thought?”

“It’s a new day.”

“And how does that make you feel? Do you like it or should we come up with a new one? Has it been helping?”

“New one, please. I promised I tried this phrase but it is doing nothing for me.”

“Okay. How about I send you with that as homework? You try to come up with a phrase and we will discuss it tomorrow in our session?”

“That sounds good, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

As Remus and the therapist stood up, the therapist cleared her throat. 

“Remus?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know if I am allowed to tell you yet, but your parents are coming tomorrow.”

“Okay?”

“I just want you to be prepared. From what you have told me about your relationship, their presence could set you off a little bit.”

“Okay, thank you then.”

“How does it make you feel, knowing that your parents are coming tomorrow?”

“Um… I guess it makes me a little annoyed?”

“Why?”

“Because they haven’t shown up or visited yet.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

_ Ma’am… we just went over that… I said annoyed… _

“Annoyed.”

“Okay. Well, we will check in tomorrow. You have a good rest of your day.”

“You too.”

“I never want to hear ‘and how does that make you feel’ ever again,” Remus said, flopping on the couch beside his friends.

“Ditto,” the three others said at the same time.

“I’ll fucking-”

“Mr Lupin! Language!”

Remus stared at the nurse as he lowered his voice so that only they could hear his next words.

“I’ll ducking murder someone if they ask me that question again.”

“Ducking?” Marlene asked with a laugh.

“I don’t want dessert to be taken away from me! Sue me if you must!”

July 26

Remus, Marlene Dorcas and Frank were sitting on the couches when they heard the doors open. 

Turning around to see what was happening, Remus felt his breathing stop as he looked at the people entering the ward. Not only were his parents there, but also two police officers and a lady with a briefcase and a suit. Now he understood why his therapist had given him the warning… This had to do with Greyback.

“Remus?” Frank asked, seeing as his friend stopped breathing. “What’s going on.”

“Nothing good,” Remus whispered as he walked towards his parents.

“Mr Lupin,” the man in a suit said in greeting. “The doctors have given us permission to use the group therapy room to discuss these matters. Shall we go?”

With a small nod, Remus followed the group back out the doors and into the group therapy room.

“What is this all about?” Remus asked once everyone was sitting down.

“We have set a date for the trial against Greyback,” the man said. “It will take place in London during the week of November 22.”

“Oh, okay.”

“There will also be other witnesses there. We have found three other boys who are willing to testify against Greyback.”

“And?”

“Everything seems like it will be in our favour and he will be locked away for life because of all the charges.”

“So what do I have to do?” Remus asked. 

“You will have to give your story to the court. Other than that, you don’t have much to do. We will allow you to be in the court session when they make the decision on Greyback.”

“Okay,” Remus said quietly.

_ I’m going to have to see him again… _

_ Will he be able to hurt me or talk to me? _

_ I really don’t want to go… I never wanted to see him again. _

“Do you have any more questions?” The man asked.

“Will Greyback be able to talk to me or hurt me while I’m there?”

“Not at all. These two officers behind me,” the man said as he motioned towards the two other people in the room. “Will be with you and whichever parent decides to go with you. You will be safe and he won’t be able to get near you. Any more questions?”

“No, thank you.”

“Of course. Thank you for your time,” the man said as he stood up. “I will be in contact with your parents up until the trial.”

The man and the officers left the room. As soon as they had left, Remus’ parents and Remus stood up and walked back towards the ward. Remus didn’t expect his parents to visit with him after, but he didn’t care at the moment. Too much was going on in his head and he was not prepared to deal with his parents and their thoughts or comments. Once the nurse opened the door, Remus nodded at his parents before walking through the door.

“What was that all about?” Frank asked as the four friends were sitting at a table eating supper. They had pushed two of the tables together so the four of them could talk and they would always eat meals together.

“You guys can’t tell anyone.”

“We won’t,” Dorcas said. 

“We solemnly swear,” Marlene added.

“I’m going to start using solemnly swear, that sounds amazing,” Remus said before shaking his head to continue. “Anyways, very long story short, a man raped and abused me for about five years and then attempted to murder me but he made the mistake of leaving me to die alone. Which honestly I should have but somehow and someway I was very set on seeing Lily once more and telling her she was my best friend so I walked home with four broken ribs, a punctured lung and a fuckton of internal bleeding. Oh, I also stopped talking when I was 13 so I planned to verbally tell Lily that she was the best sister I could ask for. Now here I am a year later and the man has a court date set because he has murdered many young boys and does a lot of crime with The Death Eaters.”

Remus continued to eat his food as the three other people at the table completely stopped eating and stared at him. After a moment of realizing that there was silence at his table, Remus looked up to see Frank, Marlene and Dorcas all looking at him horror written all over their faces.

“Uh,” Remus said in confusion, looking between the three people. “You guys okay?”

“How… Did… Fuck man!” Frank eventually managed to say. “How the fuck didn’t you kill yourself sooner?”

“No offence,” Dorcas added, “But seriously, how the fuck didn’t you try committing suicide earlier?”

“I’m with them on this,” Marlene added.

“I told you, I had to get Lily through freshman year.”

“You are insane,” Frank said, shaking his head. “I mean that just sucks what you went through.”

“Thanks,” Remus said with an awkward smile. “Can we, like, drop my trauma talk and talk about Umbitch or something?”

“For sure,” Dorcas said with a smirk. “Okay, let’s talk about her hairstyle today.”

July 31

“How are you doing, my dear?” Grams asked as she sat down across from Remus.

“I’m okay,” He said quietly, looking between his Grandparents. “How are you both?”

“We are doing well,” Gramps answered. “How have the past two weeks been?”

“They have been as okay as they could be,” Remus answered politely.

“What have you done?”

“A lot of therapy,” Remus said with a small smile. “Mrs McGonagall came by with tea last Saturday and again yesterday. I don’t enjoy being here but I know that I need to be.”

Remus stared at his hands. He wasn’t uncomfortable in his grandparents’ presence, but he was worried about what they were thinking. He didn’t want them to be mad or disappointed in him, he was just doing what he thought would help him best.

“My dear,” Grams said, reaching out and taking his hands. “Whatever is going on in that smart brain of yours, you must put it to rest.”

“Grams? What do you mean?”

“We are your grandparents, son,” Gramps said. “We can see the wheels turning a thousand miles per minute. We know you and we are guessing that you’re worried about what we think of you now. Lily told us what went on with your parents but we are not like them. We know you tried and now you just need a little extra help. We wish you had come to us before but that’s in the past. You just take your time getting better and then when you’re out we will move from there.”

“May I ask a question?” Remus asked quietly.

“Of course.”

“When I get back on my feet and I get better, would you let me come back to work?” Remus knew they might not want him to come back but he hoped that they would let him. Working in The Order was one of his favourite things.

Grams and Gramps shared a look before turning back to Remus.

“Once you are back on your feet and feel ready to come back, we will welcome you back to The Order with open arms. We just need you to promise us something.”

“What is that?”

“If you are ever feeling too sick mentally to come in, you just call us. If you feel like you can’t do a shift and you just need to disappear in a book, just call us. Not as a punishment, but we want to make sure you’re okay. We don’t want you to start thinking of working at The Order as a punishment for how you’re feeling. Can you promise us that?”

“I can,” Remus said with a small smile. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. We love you very much.”

August 3

“How are you feeling, Remus?”

“I’m feeling alright today.”

“Really?” His therapist asked. “How are you feeling on a scale of 1-10? One being you are the lowest you’ve ever been and 10 is you feel ecstatic beyond belief.”

“Um… that’s a big gap. I’d say that I’m maybe around a five? My first thoughts when I wake up hasn’t been that I wish I was dead in a couple of days. I’m still struggling, but I’m slightly happy that I didn’t die.”

“That’s really good, Remus,” the lady said with a soft smile. “That’s good that you’re getting there. Can I ask you to be very honest with me on this next question?”

“I’ve always tried to be honest with you, but sure.”

“If I gave you a day pass, what would you do?”

“I would go see Lily,” Remus said with no hesitation.

“And what would you do after you saw?”

“I would go to The Order with her and then walk around the park until my time was up to come back.”

The therapist gave Remus a smile and started writing on her clipboard. While Remus waited for her to finish writing, he stood up and walked toward the window.

“What are you looking at, Remus?”

“The gardens,” he replied. “The flowers and trees are always beautiful at this time of year.”

Remus continued to stare out of the window for another minute before he walked back to the chair and took his seat.

“I think I have made a decision,” the lady said. “I want to give you a day pass for this coming Saturday.”

“Are you serious?” Remus asked, a tone of hope hidden in his words.

“I am. How does that make you feel?”

“I feel like I really don’t want you to be joking… I really miss Lily.”

“Then let’s do that. I’ll call your parents and they will pick you up around 10 am and you have to be back here before supper is served. How does that sound?”

“It sounds perfect. Thank you!”

“Dude, are you serious?! You’re finally getting your day pass?”

“I am!” Remus said with a laugh.

“About time!” Dorcas said with a laugh.

Marlene, Frank and Dorcas had already received their day pass the weekend before. Marlene and Dorcas were receiving their weekend pass for this weekend as well. Once weekend passes were done, if the patient seemed to be okay then they would be released around two weeks later. If the weekend pass didn’t go well (it was too difficult for them at home or they tried to harm themselves (yes that has happened)) then they would start over with trying to earn a day pass again.

“Well excuse me for taking my time! Maybe I just want to hang out with you guys more so than my parents.”

“Fuck that,” Marlene cried. “You would 100% prefer seeing Lily over us any day!”

“I agree with that,” Frank said.

“I second that accusation,” Dorcas also said.

“Fuck you guys!” Remus said with a laugh. They weren’t wrong though and all of them knew that.

“Language!”

“Sorry, Umbridge,” the four teens called out in a sickly sweet voice.

“I can’t wait to not see her for a day,” Remus muttered quietly.

“Imagine being free of her for a whole weekend,” Dorcas said just as quietly. “I get to experience that and I’m so excited!”

August 6

“We want to leave to go back to the hospital by 5:30,” Remus’ mum said as they walked into the Lupin household. “Can you be here before then?”

“Of course. I’ll be here around 5:15. Does that work?”

“Yes,” Remus’ dad said. “Have fun.”

Remus ran up the stairs and once he was in his room, he immediately opened his window and crawled into Lily’s room.

Lily was sitting on her bed facing away from the window and Remus used this opportunity to surprise her.

“Wow,” Remus said with a small smile as Lily jumped and turned around. “I thought you would have been excited to see me.”

“Remus!” Lily shouted, running towards her best friend and pulling him into a bear hug. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“I missed you too, Lil’s,” Remus said, hugging her back just as hard.

“Have you gotten taller?” Lily asked, pulling back from the hug and staring at him.

“Probably. I mean, I feel like I’m getting a kink in my neck from looking down so far to see your face.”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Lily said with a laugh, slapping Remus’ chest. “So what’s the plan?”

“The Order?”

“Sounds perfect!”

The two friends spent the afternoon at The Order being stuffed with iced lattes and fresh baking from Grams and Gramps. They talked for hours until Remus’ phone went off at 5 pm, alerting him that he needed to start getting ready to go home.

“Do you want to walk home with me? We can get in a little bit more talking?”

“I’d love to,” Lily said as she and Remus stood up from the couch and waved goodbye to Grams and Gramps.

“Rem?”

“Lil’s?”

“May I ask how you’re really doing?”

“I’m okay, Lily,” Remus said with a small smile. “I’m getting there but this is going to be a lifelong struggle.

”What? You’re going to be battling sui-”

“No no no,” Remus said, eyes growing wide in realization. “Sorry, depression is going to be a lifelong battle. I’m going to be struggling with it probably forever.”

“I’m sorry, Rem. I’ll try to find a way to help.”

“You don’t have to-”

“You’re my baby brother, Rem. I’ll be there whenever you need me.”

“Thanks, Lily. I promise I’m trying.”

“I know, love. You’re doing the best you can. How are the new meds working?”

“I hate that I’m on them but they seem to be working so that’s good.”

“You’ll be okay?”

“I will be,” Remus said with a smile. “I’ll come back soon, I can’t have you getting bored without me.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Lily said, giving her best friend one last hug as they stood outside of the Lupin vehicle. “Also, Mrs McGonagall said something about you having a gang and causing trouble and mayhem?”

“In my defence, one of the nurses is a bitch!”

“That would be Umbitch, correct?”

“Exactly! Mrs McGonagall told you the story?”

“She did, I’m completely on your side. Come back soon and don’t cause too much more mayhem that might get you stuck there for longer.”

“I won’t don’t worry. I’ll see you soon, I love you Lil’s.”

“I love you too, Rem.”

August 9

“So in today’s group activity, we are going to play a new game!”

“I swear,” Remus said under his breath to Marlene. “She needs to get tested for drugs.”

“Mr Lupin,” Umbridge said. “Something you would like to share with the group?”

“Sorry, ma’am,” Remus said in the most sincere voice he could muster. “I was just telling Marlene that I was really excited for another game. I have been looking forward to this since our game on Thursday.”

The game on Thursday was awful. They went around the room and named positive things about themselves for over an hour. The game was awful and they all hated it.

“Oh, my,” Umbridge said with a genuine smile. “I’m so glad you liked that game!”

“How are you finding these new medications, Remus?” The psychiatrist asked him. “You’ve been on them for about two weeks, are you feeling the difference.”

“I am, thank you,” Remus said. “I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like a haze has been lifted from me and I can think. Does that make any sense? I don’t know what to call it or anything.”

“It makes sense, Remus. That is what you should be feeling, so that’s good. I think with these new meds, as long as you stay on top of them, you might be here for just a couple of more weeks.”

“Really? Are you serious?”

“I am,” the doctor said with a small smile. “I think we will be able to look towards a weekend pass soon and I’ll pass that word onto your therapist. As long as you remember to take your meds and attend your outpatient therapy session, we will get you out of here before the end of summer.”

August 13

“You know,” Marlene said, sitting down at the picnic table with Dorcas and Remus. “I’m not going to miss being here, but I will kind of miss you guys.”

“I’ll miss you guys too,” Dorcas said. “It’s nice being here with you guys because you know what it’s like. Once I’m released then I have to go back to people who don’t know what it’s like.”

“At least you guys are getting released this week,” Remus added. “I haven’t even gotten my weekend pass and Frank is on his now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so excited for you guys but I’m going to have to be alone in here with the other people for a little bit longer.”

“You’ll get out soon, Remus. I was here alone before Dorcas came in and then Frank came in a couple of days later. And then you joined and we started causing trouble,” Marlene said with a laugh. “What I’m saying is that no matter how long or short you are without us in here, more people will come and eventually you’ll leave.”

“I know,” Remus said with a tight smile. “I’m just not going to be able to talk to anyone about Umbitch anymore. I’ll have to continue talking to myself.”

“You can talk to Mrs McGonagall,” Dorcas said with a smile, standing up from the table with Marlene.

“What?” Remus asked in confusion. Turning around, he saw his favourite teacher walking into the yard. 

“We’ll see you inside, Remus!” Dorcas called as she and Marlene ran inside.

Standing up, Remus walked over to meet Mrs McGonagall, taking a cup of tea and a book from her hand before giving her a hug and making their way to the picnic table.

“Thank you, Mrs McGonagall.”

“Of course, my dear. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing well, honestly. The new medications I’m on are helping and they think I’ll be released before summer ends.”

“That is so exciting, Remus,” Mrs McGonagall said with a sweet smile on her face. “And how are you feeling about going home?”

“Good. I’m a little nervous to be going back to live with my parents but I’ll be excited to be going home and being able to crawl through a window to see Lily.”

“I bet. Have your parents stopped by lately?”

“They stopped by to tell me about the court date but they haven’t stopped by since then.”

“I’m sorry, my dear.”

“It’s okay,” Remus said, looking up at his teacher. “I almost prefer it to be that way. Maybe we will grow closer later in life but it’s too hard trying to mend a bridge that they burnt down.”

“I’m glad that you have come to that realization. You don’t owe them anything, Remus. They were the ones who burnt the bridges and it is up to them to fix them.”

Remus shared a smile with his teacher before taking a look at the book he brought her.

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?”

“It was very interesting, I thought you might want a more interesting one than heartbreaking this time.”

“Thank you,” Remus said, silently reading the back of the book. “This looks amazing.”

“You’re very welcome.”

August 15

“Well,” Remus said as he stood beside Marlene and Frank, saying their goodbyes to Dorcas. “I hope you enjoy the freedom.”

“Don’t forget us,” Marlene added with a smile.

“And don’t forget to go fuck yourself,” Frank said with a smirk.

“I’m going to miss you guys,” Dorcas said, starting a group hug. “I feel like we may have broken the nurses by the number of times we said ‘fuck you’ or ‘go fuck yourself’ because Frank didn’t get yelled at.”

“Well,” Frank said. “It would be rude to interrupt such a sentimental goodbye.”

“You just told Dorcas to go fuck herself,” Marlene said with a raised eyebrow.

“She tells us to go fuck ourselves so often! I was being sentimental!” Frank exclaimed, trying to get the others to see his point.

“Frank,” Dorcas said with a smile. “If I ever see you in public I’m just going to tell you to go fuck yourself.”

“I look forward to it.”

“I hope to see you all again, but not in the mental hospital. Marls? Take care of our boy for me,” Dorcas said motioning towards Remus before she turned around and walked out the doors she came in 35 days ago.

August 16

“Good luck in the outside world, Marls,” Remus said, giving his friend a hug.

“Don’t forget us or forget to go fuck yourself,” Frank added.

“I’m somehow going to really miss you guys,” she said. “I hope to see you all sometime in the future. If fate is on our side then we will.”

“I mean, I don’t have fate,” Remus said with a shrug. “But I have luck because somehow I’ve escaped death twice. Maybe luck will be on our side?”

“I mean if it isn’t, I’ll just track you all down at some point in life. Take care out there, Marls.”

“Thanks, guys,” Marlene said with a laugh. “Frank, take care of our boy for me.” Marlene turned around and walked out of the door she came in 40 days ago.

August 17

“Frank!” Remus said, collapsing on his bed after dinner finished.

“Yes, Remus?” Frank said in a cautious tone. “Please don’t make me lose my pride anymore in Uno, I’ve accepted the fact that you are the Uno king and that I am just a peasant in your sight.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Remus said as he rolled his eyes. “I was just going to tell you that I got my weekend pass.”

“That’s great! Way to go!”

“You make it sound like it was so hard to achieve a weekend pass.”

“Remus, man,” Frank said, shaking his head in amusement. “Marls, Dorcas and I were worried you were never going to get out of this loony bin! I’m honestly so glad you got it.”

“Thanks, Frank. Not for the thinking I was never getting out of this place, thank you for sharing my excitement.”

“Anytime, man.”

“Hey, Frank?” Remus said after 10 minutes of silence. “You still awake?”

“I am. What’s up?”

“Do you think we will ever see each other again?”

“I don’t know. The world we live in is so large but at the same time, it’s small. For all we know, we might not even remember each others’ names in five years or we will see each other in a retirement home and remember each other.”

“I wouldn’t be upset if I saw you in 10 years walking down the street.”

“I wouldn’t be upset either, Remus. I would probably still start a fight with you just to confuse whoever is with me or you.”

“I’ll be disappointed if you don’t follow through with that, Frank.”

“I know you would, my majesty. After all, I am just a peasant in your sight.”

“Shut the fuck up, man!”

August 22

“So, Remus,” the therapist started. “How was your weekend home?”

“It was good,” Remus said with a smile. “No offence, but it was nice being away from you and your colleagues.”

“No offence taken,” the therapist said with a laugh. “Do you think you’re ready to go home?”

“What do you mean? I was just home.”

“For good, Remus. Do you think you are ready to go home for good and start living life out of the hospital?”

Remus sat quietly for a moment and thought about the past five weeks. Was he ready to go home? What happens if he slipped up and fell again?

“I think,” Remus began. “I think that once I have an appointment set up with you as an outpatient that I’ll be ready.”

“Can you explain what you mean, Remus?”

“I don’t want to leave unless I have an appointment set. I want to make sure that if I slip up that I will still have a therapy appointment and I won’t feel like I have to live perfectly from now on.”

“How do you feel, Remus? How do you feel when you remember that you tried to kill yourself and you failed? How do you feel in comparison to how you felt when you came in here almost six weeks ago?”

“Excuse my language, but I’m thankful as fuck that I failed. I’m ready to leave here and I’m ready to continue living.”

“Okay,” the lady said with a big smile. “Let’s start working on your going home plan. We need to establish a list of coping skills, resources, do’s and don'ts, and we need to figure out how often I’ll see you as an outpatient.”

August 25

“Good luck on the outside, Frank,” Remus said with a sad smile.

“Good luck on the inside, Remus,” Frank said with a matching smile. “You’re coming out next week, right?”

“No, I came out about a year ago,” Remus said with a laugh.

“I fucking hate you, man!”

“No, you don’t. You’ll miss me.”

“I probably will.”

The two teens stared at each other for a moment before embracing each other in a brotherly hug.

“Stay safe, Frank. Take care of yourself and don’t forget to go fuck yourself.”

“You too, Remus. Stay safe and good luck when you get released. Fall back on Lily if you need to, she’s there for you.”

As Frank pulled back from the hug, smiled at Remus.

“No one else is left, so you take care of yourself for our group. You’re our baby boy so take care of yourself like we would.” Frank turned around and walked out of the door he came in 41 days ago.

August 29

Remus stood on the inside of the doors and looked around the ward one more time. He had entered this ward being mad at himself for not dying and now he was leaving being excited and scared for the future.

_ Good luck on the outside world,  _ he imagined Dorcas saying.

_ Don’t forget to go fuck yourself,  _ was what Frank would say.

_ You’re our boy, take care of yourself like we would,  _ Marl’s voice echoed in his head.

“I won’t let you down,” Remus said quietly to himself. Remus turned around and walked out of the door he came in 44 days ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both stories 'The Gang is Back Together' and 'Never Have I Ever...' contain mention of The Gang.


	10. Chapter 10

“Lily!”

“Oh, Rem! You’re home!”

Remus had just crawled through Lily’s window. From the moment he walked out of the hospital doors to the second he got home, all Remus was waiting for was seeing Lily. Now here he was finally back where he belonged.

“I’ve missed you so much, Lil’s.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Lily cried, digging her face into Remus’ chest. “Ever since I came in and saw you on your bed I just-”

“Wait,” Remus said, pulling Lily away from him. “What did you just say?”

“I missed you too?”

“No, after that...” Remus could see the wheels in her head turning before a look of shock covered her face. “You were the one who found me?...”

“I was… Your mum asked me not to mention anything when I went to see you before you got admitted… I’m sorry, I thought she would have already told you.”

“You… You were the one to find me?”

“I was, what’s wrong?” Lily pulled Remus to sit on the bed as tears fell from his eyes. “What’s the matter, love?”

“I’m so sorry,” he cried. “I’m so sorry you were the one to find me, I’m so sorry you-”

“Remus, love,” Lily kneeled in front of her brother, holding his hand and looking up at him with a sad smile. “It’s okay, it’s all okay now. I’m glad that I found you because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.”

“Is that one of the reasons you were so mad?”

“Not the reason why I was mad at you.”

“What do you mean, Lily?”

“I had a bad feeling in my chest as soon as you left me on that day. I had this awful feeling in my chest and I couldn’t explain it. I tried to fight it but when I eventually gave in and went to go talk to you, you were already out.”

“I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“It’s okay. Can you promise me you won’t do it again or is it too much to ask right now? If it’s too-”

“Lily,” Remus interrupted. He pulled her up to sit beside him and continued to hold her hands. “I pinky promise I won’t try to kill myself again.”

Lily let out a deep sigh before pulling Remus into another hug.

“I love you, Rem.”

“I love you too, Lil’s.”

**September**

September 8

“Mr Lupin and Ms Evans?” Mrs Sprout said quietly to the two students as she stopped by their desks.

“Yes, Mrs Sprout?” The two teens replied simultaneously.

“Mrs McGonagall has dismissed you both from your next class to see her in her office. Once you leave here just go straight to her office, okay?”

“Okay,” Remus answered for the two of them. “Thank you.”

After the bell rang, Remus and Lily made their way to Mrs McGonagall’s office. After knocking on the door and gaining a reply, the two students walked in and took their place in the seats they usually sat at.

“Lily and Remus,” Mrs McGonagall said with a smile. “How are you both doing today?”

“I’m good,” Lily replied. “Happy to have this idiot by my side again.”

“Yes,” Mrs McGonagall said with a laugh. “It was weird seeing you without him this summer.”

“Thanks, guys,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “To answer your question, Mrs McGonagall, I am doing well. I’m happy to be able to drink tea again as well.”

Mrs McGonagall gave Remus a smile as she placed the cups of tea on the desk.

“Now,” she said. “Part of this visit is formal because I am a vice-principal and therefore must carry out duties but I thought Lily wouldn’t mind hearing as well because you, Remus, are most likely going to tell her every detail if I called you by yourself.”

“Okay,” Remus said. “What is the issue?”

“No issue,” Mrs McGonagall replied. “I was contacted by your therapist and she asked me, as the school vice principal, to let you know that if you need to talk that both my door and the guidance counsellor's door are open to you.”

“Ah,” Remus said with a small smile. “That sounds about right. She said she would call you when school started. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Of course, my dear. Now, I believe we left off last year discussing whether paperback books or hardcover books were best.”

“Easy. paperback,” Remus stated.

“Easy. Hardcover,” Lily said at the same time.

“I guess this will be an argument that lasts us forever,” Mrs McGonagall said with a smile. “Lily, you start defending first.”

**November**

“Mrs McGonagall?” Remus said quietly as he knocked on his vice principal’s door.

“Come on in, Remus,” she replied. “Where is your other half?”

“Lily is in Chemistry right now but I needed to talk to you. Is that okay?”

“Of course, my dear. Come sit down.” McGonagall studied Remus as she waited for him to sit down and make himself comfy. He looked nervous, scared, and even uptight. “What’s going on, Remus?”

“You know how I leave on Monday morning for the court trial?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Um...” Remus fiddled with his fingers trying to gain the courage to bring up what he needed to bring up. “Can I ask you this as a friend and not as a student?”

“Of course, Remus. What is going on?” McGonagall was worried about Remus. She knew he was worried about the trial and had been getting more nervous as the weeks passed. If she could do something to put him even slightly at ease, she would do it without hesitation.

“You know Severus Snape?”

“I do. You two used to be friends, right?”

“We were. And he and Lily are still friends. The thing is,” Remus took a deep breath before unskillfully blurting out the problem. “He’s a member of The Death Eaters and Lily refuses to admit that and now I’m going to leave for a week where I know there’s a chance Severus might be tasked with trying to get information about the trial through her and might not keep her safety in mind.”

“I was not expecting that,” McGonagall said quietly to herself. “Okay, so what would you like me to do, Remus?”

“Could you just make sure she gets home safely from school each day? If she walks with Severus is there a way you could follow at a distance and drive her home if things go south?”

Mrs McGonagall stared at her student. He had put a lot of thought into this problem and it was worrying him.

“I will do that. Would you like me to tell her-”

“No no,” Remus said quickly. “I’ve already tried talking to her and I’ll talk to her once more before I leave but she can’t know that I’ve asked this of you.”

“Okay. I’ll make sure she is okay while you are gone.”

“Thank you, Mrs McGonagall.”

“You’re very welcome. You come back in one piece, okay? Take care of yourself and I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“You’ll call me if you need me?”

“Of course, Lily. And you’ll call me if you need me?”

“Remus, you are the one going to testify in court. I think I will be okay in our little city here.”

“I know, but be careful. Lily, I need to tell you something.”

“What is it, love?” 

“I know you don’t want to believe it so I won’t drag it out. Severus is a Death Eater and-”

“Remus, you-”

“Lily, please just let me say this, okay?” When Lily nodded her head, he continued. “I am not supposed to tell anything about what happens in court and you know that. It could be punishable if I release details so you know I won’t be able to tell you anything until I get back on Friday. But I know that Greyback is on trial for not only what he did to me and many other kids, but for claims about him being a member of The Death Eaters. I cannot tell you anything else but that is why I am so worried about you hanging out with Severus this week. Lily, please just be careful. If the other members know how close you and I are then they could possibly try to get to you to get information out about the case.”

“But I won’t know any information...”

“But they may not believe that! Lily, please just tell me you’ll be careful. That’s all I want.”

“Okay, love. I’ll be careful, I promise.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, I know you don’t like it when I bring it up but I’m just really on edge.”

“I know and I understand. You’ll come over once you get back on Friday?”

“I will. You’ll leave your window open so I can crawl through?”

“You know I will. Come back soon, I can barely manage a weekend without my brother let alone an entire week,” Lily said with a smile as she hugged her best friend.

“I’m a pretty great brother, aren’t I?” Remus said with a laugh earning him a light slap on the arm. “I’ll be over the moment I get home. I love you, Lily.”

“I love you too, Rem.”

The trial week was a blur for Remus. He remembers minimal parts of it because he blocked it out. There was only one part that he didn’t block out and it was the highlight of his month.

_ The jury has come to a decision. With the evidence and witnesses we were presented with, we find Fenrir Greyback guilty on all charges. _

Those were the words that Remus heard over and over again in his head as his dad drove them back home. As soon as Remus was back inside his house, he crawled through the window and into Lily’s room.

“Hey, Lil’s, good book you were reading? You didn’t hear me almost fall out of the tree while trying to climb over here.”

“Oh, I missed you so much! How did it go? How are you?”

“I’m okay. He was found guilty on all charges.” Lily pulled back and stared at her friend with her jaw dropped. “He’s going away for good, Lily. It’s all over now.”

“Oh, my love! I’m so so happy. You can move forward.”

“I can try to move forward. Thank you for helping me through it all, Lily. You’re the best sister I could ask for.” Remus smiled at Lily, but it quickly turned into a frown when he saw a look of sadness on his friend’s face. “Lily? What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You told me to be careful around Severus-”

“Lily, what did he do? What happened?”

“On Wednesday we were walking home from school and he brought me to meet with some member of The Death Eaters to answer questions without me knowing about it. They were going to hurt me if I didn’t give or have any answers and Severus brought me. Thankfully, Mrs McGonagall drove by and saw so she picked me up and drove me home.”

“Mrs McGonagall picked you up? That’s crazy, doesn’t she live on the other side of town?” Remus said quickly, making a lie in efforts to make sure Lily didn’t find out that he talked to Mrs McGonagall. He was quickly cut off when Lily started laughing.

“Love, she told me you talked to her.”

“Lily, I’m sorry. I-”

“Don’t apologize, Remus. You knew I wouldn’t listen even though you wanted to believe I would. I’m okay because of you. Don’t apologize for that. Thank you for making sure I was taken care of while you were out of town.”

“You’re welcome. That’s what big brothers do.”

“I’m older than you though.”

“Let me have this, Lily! Now, pass me your phone so I can block Severus. I don’t want him trying to apologize and play a pity card. If he wants to talk to you, he’s going to have to do it in person while I glare at him.”

“I love you, Rem.”

“I love you too, Lil.”

**December**

(  **Remus** /  _ Lily  _ )

9:34 am:  **Hey Lil’s. I’m not feeling too well today. Can we reschedule our zoo day for another day? I’m sorry.**

9:35 am:  _ Of course, Rem. Mental or physical sickness? _

9:36 am:  **Mental. I’m just not up for doing anything.**

9:37 am:  _ I’ll be right over then. Get into those stupid pajamas we exchanged on Christmas and I’ll wear mine. _

9:38 am:  **You don’t have to come over, Lily.**

9:39 am:  _ I promised you I would always be by your side during these types of days. Now unlock your window so I can come over. _

After unlocking the window, Remus climbed back into his bed and laid under the covers.

“Hey, love,” he heard Lily say before she closed the window. “Scooch over, I’m coming into the warm blankets too.”

Remus moved over and watched as Lily climbed into his bed. He stared at her with an eyebrow raised.

“I’m not going to let you struggle alone anymore, Remus. I’ll be here until you’re better. You do whatever you need to do and you let me know what you need me to do. Eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what you need me to do but until then I’ll follow your lead.”

Remus stared at his sister for another moment before tears built up in his eyes. 

At seeing the tears, Lily pulled her best friend into a hug and ran her hand through his hair.

“We’ll get through this,” Lily said quietly. “You’ll get through this and I’ll be right here the entire time. I’m not leaving anytime soon.”

The day was spent laying in bed, watching the Twilight movies, drinking tea, and laying under a heated blanket. Lily would get up to change movies, get food to eat, and make more tea while Remus stayed in bed. Remus couldn’t fight today, but that was okay. Lily knew he would need help every once in a while and she was able to provide that for him.

**March**

“Welcome to the world of being 16, Rem!” Lily exclaimed as she crawled through Remus’ window.

“Lily,” Remus groaned from the heap of blankets on his bed. “It’s too early for this.”

“It’s 9 am, love,” Lily said, pulling the blankets off of Remus. “Also we have work in 30 minutes.”

“Fuck!” Remus exclaimed, jumping up from his bed and started to get ready. As soon as Remus was off of the bed, Lily took his spot and waited for him to get ready. “Why didn’t you wake me up sooner?!”

“It’s your birthday so I let you sleep in.”

“Lil’s, I love you,” Remus said as he buttoned his shirt up. “But there’s this thing called breakfast that I need because I take antidepressants.”

“Grams and Gramps are making cinnamon buns for us. Also, I’ve got your pill in my purse already so as soon as you are dressed then we are good to go.”

“You’re the best, Lil’s. Thank you.”

“Of course I’m the best,” Lily commented, rolling her eyes. “But you’re welcome.”

  
  


**July**

July 15

“Hey, Rem,” Lily said as she climbed into his bed. “How are you feeling?”

“I could be worse,” Remus said with a small smile.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Just hang out with me. I don’t think the anniversaries of me almost dying are very entertaining.”

“No worries,” Lily said with a smile. “I’m here for whatever you need.”

“Can I tell you a story?”

“Of course. Is it a real one or a fictional on?”

“It’s real and it’s from last year.”

“Okay… What happened?”

Remus shifted in his bed, unsure of where he wanted to start. Does he need to start at a specific spot?

“You know how they say that when you die, life flashes before your eyes?” Remus asked. He watched the confusion in Lily’s eyes grow as she nodded her head in response. “My life flashed before my eyes last year when I overdosed and you were in all of them. You can take what you want from that but I’m going to tell you what I took from it.” Remus took a deep breath and grabbed Lily’s hand before continuing. “You are the light of my life, Lily. It’s like you’re my soulmate but not in a romantic way. When I’m at the happiest point in life, you’re right beside me. I remember seeing your smile in each memory and it made me warm every time. Your smile was one of the things I was really going to miss. I saw us playing on the swings, me coming out to you and your dad, and arguing about Mr Bingley and Mr Darcey. I remember those moments and every time I look at you I see your smile and I’m reminded of how thankful and lucky I am that you decided to crawl through my window.”

“Oh...” Lily breathed out. She didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t mad or upset, she was so taken back at the fact that Remus saw her when life flashed in front of him. “I love you so much, Rem… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Remus said with a gentle smile. “I love you too. Thank you for saving me over and over again.”

**September**

September 4

“Second last first day of school,” Lily said as she sat on the swing next to Remus. “How does-”

“Lily I swear to any fucking god that if you ask how that makes me feel, I will end you!” Remus had heard ‘how does that make you feel’ enough in the mental hospital and he was so done with that phrase. Lily would try to sneak it into a conversation but he always managed to cut her off before she could finish.

“Sorry, sorry,” Lily said laughing, looking not at all sorry. “How are you feeling about school starting up again tomorrow?”

“I’m excited, honestly. I’m really excited to have a spare and spend an hour every Tuesday with Mrs McGonagall. I can’t believe she managed to pull that off!”

“I know right?! She passed it off as a mentorship or internship program, right?”

“Yep,” Remus said with a laugh. “Man, I love Mrs McGonagall. She’s amazing.”

“Me too,” Lily agreed. “Hey, did you know that you say ‘man’ a lot more now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean exactly what I said. You say ‘man’ a lot more often since you got out of the hospital last year. For example, you just said ‘man, I love Mrs McGonagall.’ Why?”

Remus hadn’t told Lily about the friends he made in the mental hospital. He wasn’t ashamed of them or embarrassed, it was more that he wanted to hold on to that memory just for himself right now. He would talk about the hospital with Lily, but he never dived into details or names. Remus wanted to hold on to those memories for a little longer.

“That’s weird, I guess I didn’t realize. They tried to stop us from swearing so maybe I used that instead subconsciously?”

_ Remus knew he picked it up from Frank. Remus knew fully but he needed to keep those memories for himself right now. _

“Hmm, that would make sense! So what do you think the last two years will hold for us?”

“I don’t know, Lil’s,” Remus said, closing his eyes and enjoying the breeze on his face from the motion of the swing. “I honestly have no idea. Maybe we will get new friends or maybe we will finish high school just the two of us.”

“I wouldn’t mind if it was just the two of us but I also wouldn’t mind if we gained a couple more people.”

“Whatever happens,” Remus said with a smile. “We will always have each other and that is more than enough for me.”

“Me too, Rem. We’ll fuck up anything life tries to throw at us.”

“Maybe it will throw some hot men at us...”

“Remus!”

“Tell me having boyfriends wouldn’t be great?”

“...”

“Exactly, you can’t! Man, I’d love to-”

“Remus John Lupin! I’m going to stop you right there before you scar me for life!”

“I love you, Lily,” Remus said with a laugh.

“I love you too, you fucking idiot.”


End file.
